A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When I was working in another job I used to earn an okay amount of money. My husband and I have a joint account and every month we would both put in £700 / mth that would then pay off all our bills for the month - ie mortgage, electricity, water, gas etc etc.Fast forward to now - I have been unemployed and looking for a job for quite some time now. When this happened, I could not afford to put £700/mth like before so I just started putting in £400/mth from the little savings I had and odd jobs I did here and there. My husband then started putting £1000/mth instead into our account. He would also now pay for groceries or maybe if we ate out etc. I am not at all high maintenance though - quite the opposite: whenever we shop or eat out I always look for bargains or discounts etc!! I finally found a job, but because the economy is so bad right now I ended up taking a job that is paying me half of what I was on before at that other job. I will get paid about £800/mth after tax so I can not afford to do anymore than £400/mth as I need to also keep money for my travel, lunch, other bills etc.Ever since I changed to £400/mth my husband occassionally makes snide comments about it. Dont get me wrong - he is a lovely man and very kind and nice, but I do feel bad and guilty at times and he does feel the need to bring it up from time to time. Now he is bringing up the point I wont be able to afford to put more in and how its unfair he has to pay more - which of course it is, but I can not help it. I always tell him how I feel and how unfair he is being, and how much it upsets me when he says these things and that I can not help it and how unreasonable he is being - which I tell him every single time he brings it up! Yet he always does it!My husband earns £2500 / mth after tax so he earns far more than me so I feel he can afford it. I know the situation is unfair - and if I could earn more and put more in the bank and pay for more things then I would. But then I know it is also unfair as the relationship doesnt seem equal as he is bearing the brunt of the costs. If I were him I would probably feel the same.I am just curious what other people's take on the situation is - especially men regarding your own personal experiences. Are you in a position where you are having to stand majority of the costs / bills etc. And how does it make you feel?
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, loving arms +, writes (29 March 2009):
Let's get this right this 'lovely man' earn 2500 a month after he has put his 1000 contribution into the household funds he still has 1500 to play with as he pleases. You on the other hand earn 800 a month and will be left with 400 after your contribution to the household fund.
So this wonderful man actually has more to play with than you earn and he's got problems????
Does he do half the washing? ironing? cooking? cleaning? child care? If the answer is no then start billing him for all the WORK you do after you have finished a days work while he sits on his arse!
A marriage is a partnership he obviously does not understand that as a partner you work together and sometimes that means putting in more money than your spouse. Really you should both put in a percentage of your wages not an equal amount. So you already put in half of your wages. Work it out babe. He is not a good man, he is selfish to keep moaning when he knows you are doing all you can.
I hope one day life changes and he needs your help. Let's hope you have more compassion and love than he does.
A
female
reader, SweetSerendipity +, writes (29 March 2009):
He sounds like a very contemporary person, not old school, who thinks that every able bodied person in a household has an equal share in maintaining that household. Irrespective of the external conditions.
If he is "driven" by financial concerns, you need to speak the same "language" as his. That means, you do your breakdown of income versus expenses to the very last detail. Use a spreadsheet in the computer, so that you would have both a column on £ and 2 column on % (toward the monthly income and on expenses toward certain classification, e.g. house, or health, or food, etc). He needs to do the same too.
The two sheets (yours and his) should correspond in order to be compared, i.e. the criteria of expenses should be the same. And if he had budget lines that are different than yours, or yours different than his, leave it blank (his would be filled in, your would not and vice versa)
Your discussion should be based on this. If you putting in more money means a larger percentage of your income goes into the savings, then your discussion can start from there. Or you might not need to have a discussion because he will see that you are you are indeed pulling the same weight as he does (as the percentage towards income shows).
Also, you might want to remind him, that the table could be turned at any time in this economy. No one is immune against losing a job these days. Would he like it if you made those snide remarks to you? Or even if he still is the main breadwinner, what happens when you fell ill, or you take a maternity leave, or something (when you are on a full time job, but you're not getting 100% of your salary)?
If he still makes snide remarks after this discussion, mention again that since he is bigger than you, he uses more water when taking a bath/shower, drinks and eats more food, etc etc etc lol. Or you can tell him that you are ready to sacrifice eating less and taking showers and washing your clothes less because you put in less money too lol.
Hope it will work out with you two. He is worried of the financial future in your family, but then many people are. Being there for each other, and support each other will be much healthier in your relationship than being negative. Don't you think?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): I haven't experienced this, but I have planned for it. For me, equality is about putting in the same percentage of your total money. This disregards income, to a certain extent. So if you agree to 50%, or 75%, or whatever percent you wish, then that's what you both have to put in. I don't think that both putting in 700 per month when you are earning 1000 (or even 800) is equal, because for you it is 70-90% or so of your income, and only 30-40% of his. He has almost 2000 left over, and you have 100. So how can he possibly be snide about that, when he's been making out like a bandit all this time?This also means that if you start earning more, your contributions should go up accordingly, without having to have a huge discussion/change about it every time.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): I am sorry, Anon, but I think your Hubby is a butthead. I don't know any other words for him. Well, I do, but I can't say them here... My mom and dad both worked all their lives. Mostly my dad made the most, except when he was getting shot at every day in WWII. ..for three years. But, nobody ever talked about 'who made the most'. That would have been a stupid comment from either of them. They just weren't that kind of people. Mom could not work when she was pregnant with and nursing one of us "urchins", of course. But my dad worked two jobs to make up for her not being able to...They were great people...and a great pair bond (parents). I wish I could tell your hubby a few things, but I can't. Luvs, Tom
...............................
A
male
reader, Alessandro +, writes (29 March 2009):
Well, I've not personally been in this situation, but all I'd say is that if it upsets you then he shouldn't keep on bringing it up. I mean he earns a significant amount more than you, you are contributing the best you can, end of story. Call me idealistic but if I could I would enjoy supporting and providing for the person I loved and would certainly not wish to make that person feel bad about it.You seem to be a really conscientious person and your partner should perhaps recognise that and realise that you are well aware of the situation and don't need constantly reminding about it.I can relate a bit because I know a guy, very closely, who employs his partner, and has done for a few years. He often makes references to the fact that he's the bread-winner in a way that strikes me as at times as rude and insensitive. His partner puts up with it but I don't think that she should have to. Your partner doesn't seem as bad as that but either way he should be sensitive to how you feel and know that you are trying your best.Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (29 March 2009):
I'm an army wife so the fact I actually pay my way in my marriage is really rare. Most women I know here think their job is to raise the kids and make the tea and the man goes out and brings home money. My husband actually got taken to one side and asked if everything was ok last time they were in Iraq, as they were chatting about how much cash they send their wives every month and when he said "none, she can go out and earn her own" it was met with stunned silence.
So for your husband to get snide about your bad luck in the job market (and lets face it, you are hardly the only person out of work or taking a pay cut at the moment) is not very supportive.
Apart from turning round and asking him what the hell his problem is and starting a row (which may be constructive, but only you know whether your relationship does arguing well, or if it makes things worse.) you could always wait till he is in a good mood and then just tell him calmly "you know, it really hurt me when you said XYZ the other day."
He may not even know he's being snide, he may think he's just teasing, or he may be taking out his money worries on you and not thinking.
Other than that when he says something then turn round and say that you should sit down and try and reduce your outgoings.
Turn the heating right down, make sure you are on a cheap tarrif for your power, contact the bank and ask to go interest only on the mortgage for a while, get a water meter put in, follow him round a turn things off after him.
If you start sorting these things out and he is not happy with you doing that then tell him that he either has to put up with the fact that you aren't earning as much as you used to, or help you make the relationship more equal in financial terms again.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
|
