A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi there, anyone got any advice about this? i have left my abusive partner of 20 years. yes we have split up time and time again before but this time i have spoke out and told him exactly what i think of him and told him all the nasty things he has done to me and the kids.I am now suffering from depression and really not very well at all in my mind. He constantly blamed everything on me and threw accusations at me. I have now thrown it all back at him and told him that everything is his fault and believe me he has done some terrible things.Because he suffers from anxiety, which I think is a result of all his guilt, he seems to be very angry that I have stood up to him and he tried to say that I have made him ill when I told him that I am on antidepressants. So then I broke my sim card up so he couldnt carry on blaming me for anything else.Do you think that he knows everything is his fault and just cant handle his guilt?
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female
reader, Sharon1111  +, writes (27 February 2010):
 No, I don't think he understands what is going on. We all see through our own mindsets and nobody has the full picture.
Perhaps you could learn more about abuse and recovery from it. We all need to keep learning.
There are things you can do now to deal with your depression. A good therapist might help and there is good literature out there.
You can help yourself and move on even if he doesn't.
A
female
reader, chrissies +, writes (10 October 2007):
 What does it matter if he feels it's his fault or not? You're out of the relationship, so please don't return as that's what I think I'm hearing.All that matters is how you think and feel. His proglems with abuse then and now are his. YOu're left, so concentrate on your feelings and life of which you can now enjoy, feel from, pain and guilt of any kind that he put on you.Enjoy the life you have now been given and let him be.Good luck to your new life. Enjoy it to the fulelst. It's your time now, so enjoy!Tray x x x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): I was in an abusive marriage for 20 years and i got away. I was a battered wife for most of that. Why do you care what he thinks, run and dont look back for one minute. When any thoughts of him spring into your mind, blot them out with nice things. Plan your future, you have a one now. Dont for one minute go back, you will end up dead. I ended up being depressed years later, everything just fell around my head, but i climbed out of it and i am here today, alive, well and a stronger and better person. Please stop worrying about what he thinks and does, he is in the past and leave him there.
take care and keep in touch if your want.
xx
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (19 September 2007):
 Family Shelter Service.org
Check out the information at this website (Dupage, Illinois - US Google - not sure if it come up on British search engine). There is a lot of very supportive information, both about the victim and the perpetrator. There is a checklist to point out all the different behaviours that are abusive.
I think that you are being very strong and doing the right thing for yourself. You know that he is abusive and will proably never own his responsibility in being abusive. Frankly, he's not worth thinking about. I'm with the other writers here - Who cares what he thinks?
You are going to get through this. You have already taken the Biggest step and you were right to stop him from contacting you through your sim card. Control is his issue and you are taking back control of your own life. I hope that you are feeling stonger soon, take good care of yourself.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (19 September 2007):
 Hi Honey,
I really do believe that this type of person never really gets it that they are to blame. To them all there actions were well founded.
The main thing is it shouldnt be your worry now. You have made the right move and left him.
Who cares what he thinks, or what he say's. Believe me I know first hand. If you go to the question that I asked yesterday you will see I had a very similar problem. And I got some great advice of the other Aunts on here. And that is to ignore him and anything that he says or does.
Take care XX
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): Can you see something odd going on here? Who cares what he thinks, why are you disecting his motives and defending yourself like this. You know why. It is because you are the victim of abuse. Abusers always say their victim deserved it. Do some good reading about domestic abuse and violence. It takes ages to get out of this thought cycle, I should know. What helped me was understanding the process/cycle of abuse and how it affects the victim at each stage. He owns his violence, you and the kids were simply the place where he put it. The other thing that helped me was cognitive behavioural therapy with a therapist which you can start trying on line at www.moodgym.com free of charge. Something happened to you in early life which made your self esteem low and made you willing to accept this kind of behaviour. Spend some time thinking what it was in childhood that upset you. I bet there is something there and that you should not be surprised about what you are going through. For me it was that my mother did not want any of us children. She blamed me for her stretchmarks, my brother for arriving too soon after marriage and she tried to abort my sister. She told us all this and also blamed us for not being able to develop her career. We are all OK now, but it was the feeling of worthlessness that came from it which affected me for most of my life and I was in a similar situation to you with my marriage. You can get through it, you will be yourself again and happy.
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