A
female
age
51-59,
*hotochoose
writes:I am married to a wonderful man. He is smart, kind, has a good job, and is a hard worker. In fact, I love him - but only as a friend. I don't want a physical relationship with him at all. I have told him I want a separation, but I am not sure if it is the right thing to do. Like I said, he is a good friend and very handy to have around. Kinda like a comfy pair of house slippers. Am I making the right decision on splitting up with him? I don't think I ever did love him in a way that I should have married him. But my heart tells me to split, and my head tells me to stay. Which do you follow? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (21 September 2009):
 I am so sorry then. Well it seems that you liked this man, but if you were never really in love with him, other than as a friend; then it might do well to separate from him.
I won't belabor the other issue about the motives for marriage. But it seems at least he has been kind to you and your folks. You're right though. You deserve to be in a marriage where you love the person that you're with and have true, emotional connections and feelings rather than just feelings of friendship.
A
female
reader, whotochoose +, writes (20 September 2009):
whotochoose is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone for your input. I appreciate it very much and the best of luck to all of you who are in or have recently been in a similar situation.
I want to clarify something for Mr. Softtouch cause I appreciate what he is trying to tell me too. That is, why did I marry him and stay with him 9 years? I think I made a mistake. He was always more of a "father figure" to me rather than a "lover" figure. He is quite a bit oder than me, and that may have something to do with it, I am not sure. But when he started coming around, I couldn't get rid of him. I tried a couple times, but again, he was handy. He was coming over and doing all kinds of things for my mom and dad, who I live beside. So the second time he asked me to marry him, I thought why not, I kinda owe him that much, and he is a nice guy. So I don't think there ever was any real chemistry in our relationship. Just me trying to re-pay him for what all he had done for my folks. And I know now that was the wrong thing to do, but I done it and now I have to try to fix it. But it is breaking his heart. And I absolutely hate that.
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A
female
reader, UnfinishedSymphony  +, writes (14 September 2009):
 I follow my heart. i don't trust my brain and i know it constantly wants me to make the wrong decision so that the next morning i'm like...wow that was a missed opportunity.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (14 September 2009):
 Hell yeah. Let him go so he can find someone who does want to be intimate with him, and likewise for yourself. People aren't "comfy slippers", (ie; here for our convenience and comfort), though I know what you mean. Seriously, it will be painful, but does anyone really want to stay together for friendships sake? A true friendship will survive a separation. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (14 September 2009):
Its hard to say in this case. At the age bracket you're in, many women feel like their the old brown shoe in the marriage.
The real issue is why is he not physically attractive to you? If you love him then why isn't there a deeper emotional connection?
Certainly when the two of you met, and decided to marry, there was something there? Maybe what you're thinking is that the spark has died.
Maybe there's something he's not doing for you that he would do for you if he knew what it was?
Its very hard to say at this point. But splitting may not be a good idea.
I suppose if the two of you mutually believe this is right, that is splitting up, then you could try.
However, everything said and done, your heart always dictates matters concerning your love life. Not your head. If this is what you truly want, then its what you want and no amount of logic is going to change that.
I would say at the very least you might want to sit down with him and tell him what's concerning you. If he does really love you, I think he could find ways to make you feel differently than you do now.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (14 September 2009):
 Which you follow is really more of a matter of what you want out of life. If it is your desire to find romance again and maybe be with someone who rocks your world AND can be your comfy slippers other times then I think you follow your heart.
But whether or not you find someone is anyone's guess. It's sort of like finding the matching glass slipper. But since you have comfortable slippers are they good enough to wear to the ball?
We here can't give you the answer for you but I will tell you that I left my comfy slippers and I really did care about my ex-husband too. I feel I was given a heart to live my life and if it can't be in the game of life then for me, there really is no life. I am hopeful that I can have both, a comfortable relationship with some romance.
I wish you the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): You have to follow your heart. I'm in the same exact boat and have recently decided to follow my heart and ask for a separation. I feel like I'm out of prison and it's the best feeling ever. I'm sure you don't want to hurt him, and it's easy to stay, but life is too short to just skate through it. Live life! You'll feel like a whole new woman once you make the jump. Follow your heart, your brain won't be far behind. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): ".........very handy to have around.......... Kinda like a comfy pair of house slippers."
well if this is how you feel then do yourself and him a favour and release him. his life is precious as well. no use in wasting 2 lives.
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