A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Should i break up for good or not?I am 28 and i have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. We have split up before a few times but always got back together after a few weeks. Recently though thinks seem to be getting worse, we argue constantly, and even when we are not i make excuses not to spend time with him. I love him but i don't think we could ever live together (he wants to but i keep putting it off!). I am confused!I am afraid to be single after all this time, and i am afraid of making the wrong decision! I keep crying when i think of having to split with him, but no matter how hard i try i can't seem to shake the feeling that we are never going to change. What should i do? x
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi I have not summoned up the courage to split with my him yet and some of the comments were hard to accept, but i know that you are right. I have just been avoiding his phone calls as i know what i have to say but i don't know how to say it :(
Thanks for all the advice though,it helps to talk to someone x
A
male
reader, childof1981  +, writes (6 February 2007):
 You should never feel that a bad relationship is better than being alone. Six years is FAR too long to not have any idea where you stand with somebody. You are obviously not happy in the relationship, neither of you have made a serious commitment, and your only compelling reason to stay is fear of the unknown. You seem to be melding "love" and "significant emotional investment" into a single entity when they are separate things.
I think you know this relationship is not right for you, but it is "stable" and has been a significant part of you life for a long time so it's hard to walk away. Remember the time you spent together fondly and move on. Establish firmly in your mind your needs from a relationship and search for a compatible person. In the future be aware that a successful relationship is a mixture of both Love and Relationship Needs that are in sync, and that having one and not the other will not work out well.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (6 February 2007):
 You have got into a habit of being dependent on your boyfriend. You know it's not working but the thought of you being on your own scares the hell out of you! If you stay with him though, it will just get worse and you'll become more and more unhappy, you need to move on love and I'll give you some tips to help you.
Have your mind made up. This is the hardest part. Make sure this is what you want. If you think there is still something left inside of you for this person, chances are you will go back and will repeat these steps over again.
Make a written list of all the reasons why things will be better if the relationship is over. Think of what will happen if you stay with this person, and how many years of your life you could end up spending on an unhealthy relationship. Keep this list close to you at all times.
Think ahead. Have a day when you decide it's over and you are going to move on. Don't just jump up and leave on an impulse. If you can, talk to that person and say, "When rent is up this month, I am going to find another place" or "I'm moving in with my parents" or "You need to leave at the end of this month." This gives the person time to make arrangements. And, it's much easier to go back on an impulse then it is to go back on a calmly and clearly stated intention.
Keep the peace. Don't allow the person to suck you into the same old arguments, guilt trips, or drama. State your intention and walk away. Case closed. There's nothing left to do but follow through.
Once on your own, treat yourself. If you don't, you may get bored and call this person. Make some new friends and constantly have something up your sleeve. Do things that you were not able to do because of this person. This will let you know that you have still got it and make you feel good inside.
Cut off all communication. Even if you intend to stay friends, it's a good idea to avoid contact with this person for at least a month after you break up. Otherwise, it's extremely easy for them to slip right back into their old role in your life and start the cycle all over again.
Try not to think about or bring up old memories. If friends start talking about this person, tell them you don't want to talk about it, whether good or bad. Get rid of gifts, photographs, and any other relics of the relationship--or at least put them way out of sight.
Prepare for the possibility that your ex may say things to your friends, family or co-workers and make you look bad. He or she may not have been ready to let go like you did. Be the mature one and laugh about it. Eventually it will stop.
Remember that this was just not the "one." Oh well, things couldn't work out. This is life. Make sure you still have what it takes to be good to the next person you are with. Remember the traits of the person you left and compare them to the person that you are interested in. This will help it from happening again.
I hope this helps.
Eve
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A
female
reader, deeps  +, writes (6 February 2007):
From experience I can honestly say that it depends on the intensity and topics you argue about. It also depends on who makes the first move to patch up and how quickly. Do you argue over the same issues time and again or is it simply that every little thing that once didnt bother him now does and warrants arguements.
I'd say you should probably consider a mutual staying away from each other for a while. Spend time by yourself locked away where you can think logically and clearly.
Sometimes silence can give you the clarity of thought. I cannot provide you an answer, that lies within you. Unfortunately, sometimes, that little voice of reason inside of us is drowned out by the loud noises, the volatility of the emotional situation we find ourselves in. Detach for a while, find that voice, listen to it and then speak softly, gently and unambigiously.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007): Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I think that you need to split up. You say you love him but that's only natural after 6 years, but I'm not convinced you are "in" love with him, and even if you are, it doesn't seem to be enough. If you're finding things so bad now, imagine how they will only get worse years down the line. You seem to not want to leave him because of habit, and because you feel you will miss him. But you are 28 and have your whole life ahead of you to meet someone who will make you a lot happier - and then he can too.
I hope that helps.
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