A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a divorced man in my early 40's. My new partner is also in her early 40's. I have had a difficult time getting established in a career until the last 2 years. I have a good job, though I would like to live in another community ideally. I have been with my new partner for about 4 months and everything has been really good, except recently. My partner lives in a large city and said she is supportive of my career but that she will not move to live with me in my current town. She has never had a stable career and works 2 part-time jobs and wants me to give up my work and move there. With my job, I can't just transfer work, I'd have to give it up entirely. Also, at my stage of life, giving up a good job I've worked hard for is very stressful to me. I don't think I can just start over as it would mean going back to school, taking on more debt, and be hard on me finanically and psychologically. I don't love my job but I am satisfied with it and good at it and it affords me financial stability and much time off.My partner has many great qualities, is very loving, and if I could have a similar job in her city I would move there. But she says she loves me unconditionally, wants to be with me, has plans for marriage, then puts an obvious condition on where she's willing to live. Am I over-reacting to having feelings that I should break up with her over a job?
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female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (7 December 2007):
 We have needs and we have wants.
So often, we say "Everything would be perfect if only ..." and then think the other person is being difficult for not finishing the sentence properly.
It's not reasonable for either person to expect the other to do what he or she is also not willing to do. If you do break up over jobs and relocation issues, will that be better than one of you feeling you were bullied into leaving? Of course, only you and she can answer that. Even if twenty of us here thought she should join you, what would that prove? Only that twenty people agreed with you, but not that you were right.
Could you two slow down and see what happens? Continue to commute to see each other. One of two things will happen: one or the other will move or other faults in the relationship will contribute to the end.
Are you willing to die on this hill?
Best wishes to both of you.
A
female
reader, Megan Deetes  +, writes (7 December 2007):
 Hmmm.... changing your job will give you much aditional stress i don't think you could cope with :S this could have a major impact on your relationship and be a financial disaster- after all weddings aren't cheap and there will be no way you can afford a wedding if there is no trace of an income :( your partner will have to mover whether she likes it or not. Two part time jobs which don't require a high level of training can easily be replaced, however, yours can't and you need to make these factors very clear to her. Do not break off a good healthy relationship unless you can talk this through and sort it out, because, by losing your partner you may aquire some new stress and find it has a major impact on your job. Are there any equivalents that have a simular level in pay and a relativley close qualification or can you both agree on completley relocating to somewhere you can both agree on with a place of work relevant to you. Talk to her rationaly and doo not break it off unless you are certain of what you want to do Good Luck message me if you have any further queries xxxxxxxxxxx
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