A
female
age
30-35,
Patient1
writes:O.K. here it goes......My husband is an alcoholic. When I fell in love with him it wasn't a problem. We met in our early 20's so we partied together, nothing uncommon. We have since had 2 boys (5 and 3) and I have matured and calmed down. He has only gotten worse. He has gone from 6-12 beers in a regular day to 12-36 (no kidding) a day. He has become a different person than the man I married. His mood swings are very unpredictable, he has gotten physical with me in the past, and he can be straight up vulgar. On some occasions he doesn't remember, sometimes he is so sorry and can't live without me, other times it "must" have been my fault somehow. Any way, I've grown so tired of living this way. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that he will get help, but it seems like everytime he gets closer to getting help he just endulges further into the alcohol. I do love him dearly and my boys love him too. But I'm afraid of the negative affect he has and will have on our children. I have never loved someone so much and hated them at the same time. With the stress of him and my kids I feel like I am losing my mind. I've tried leaving him and he pulls me back with his kindness and sincerity and things will be good for a little while, but then when it gets bad again, it gets really bad. I don't know what to do anymore. Do I keep holding on or do I finally let go?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): I live with my partner who also an alcoholic. We both drank alot when we were younger and then i got pregnant with our first child. I stopped drinking while my partner went from social drinking to just drinking in the house. He drinks the same amount every week. It never gets any more or less. He claims he is not an alcoholic, and i know that he suffers from an obsessive behaviour disorder although he has never been diagnosed with it. He can be morbid and depressing after he drinks and isnt pleasant when he is drunk but he is not violent and never has been. If your husband is violent then i think you need to seek proffesional help as soon as possible. The drinking has really changed our relationship over the years though and i feel like we stay together merely because of the responsibilities that we share. I don't think that he can see what effect his drinking habit has on his family. My kids are old enough to see that he drinks too much and see him as pathetic. I told him recently after my father collapsed from liver failure, that i would not put up with him like my mother did my father until we're old, me always nagging him and him allways talking about the good old days when it was just us and it was fun. Yeh, the first three months we were together, when i joined him in the drinking, never mind the 15 years since and the three children i have brought up and all the happy memories this brings me. He murmured then as he often does when i feel brave enough to tell him what i really think, "yeh i'll try". Then he starts drinking half an hour later that night and goes back to normal the next. I think you have to throw caution to the wind and just up and off. Leave them to sort themselves out. Afterall a lot of the drinking problem is caused because of lack of confidence in the first place and men are especially vunerable to this i think. I think leaving them can be the kindest thing because they will then have to stand on their own two feet for a change. Maybe one day i will take my own advice. But it can never be too late.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): CD I have lived with a problem drinker for 26 years of marriage. I waited for my children to get older. While they have moved on, with their lives I am now the one left to deal with the abuse? The sickness? Putting up with the behaviour of a man I do not know any more". Even if i do leave, at 49yrs where could i go? There was so much help and support when my children were young. I still have one young man at home. He HATES alchohol. Being co dependant has ruined my life. I am too afraid to leave "in case he ends up dead" and we walk on egg shells while i stay. I would say to any young person - LEAVE .... do not enable another person to control your life or affect your own welfare. I have tried everything ... my life has been lost and wasted because i have been too afraid to move on. I am the one accepting councilling and taking anti depressants because i live with an alchoholic. My dad passed away in late November 07. The fmily who would have helped have either passed on or moved abroad. I would hate for anyone to end up in my positon. My sincere prayers to ALL who suffer in silence. A lonely mom and wife...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Get yourself to an Alanon meeting a.s.a.p. You will find very helpful, sincere and truthful people there. It will make you feel so much better to know you are not along.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): I have been married for thirty years my husband stayed sober for twenty four years and then fell off the wagon after some hard times we were facing in life. Our children are grown and in the past year I have been through literal hell. I left him last May moved three hours away to start a new life for myself. Guess what? he made all sort's of promises saw the errors of his ways so I kept my apartment but went back home gave up a good job and six weeks later I was back again, no job and for the past six months with him sober I have moved back and forth from my apartment to home with him in tow. He has been sober supposedly for six months although you never quite believe it if you are not with them 24/7. We are now in financial ruin forced into a bankruptcy and we have driven our three grown sons who none drink completely nuts. All of them love him but tell me daily mom what are you doing still hanging on??? For the most part he is trying like the devil to make things right he is sober as far as I can prove, but the pain the dissapointments the non trust I feel for him and my suspicion will not heal. He is not the same man anymore, his drinking for those few years have seperated us regardless if he is sober or not now. You can not take away all the hurt and the loss you went through as the one on the other end of their abuse and neglect. I spent so many night's crying myself to sleep while he partied in the basement by himself with his dog. I now hate the dog who still is his number one friend!!!!!!!!!! This disease destroys the family as well as the one addicted. You become addicted to the addict. I am now back in my apartment and he is still in the house three hours away trying to find a way to make thing's okay and that will never happen. Too much time spent, too much hurt and too much pain. I will never trust him again and so this time I am going to let go. He wants out deep inside because he resents me for not being able to drink, I see it in his expressions, in his mannerisms toward me, in his isolation that he got so accustomed too. My marriage is over after all the years I put into it but I can not change it. What is done is done.Some may recover and some may actually make it but I say you have to do what is best for you. For me I have a man who is sober but he still thinks like the alcoholic, his character is damaged and he can never fix that with me. Why should I make him pay for his mistakes the rest of his life. I hope for the best for him but now if he stay's with me he will be destroyed. I can no longer recover.............
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): alchohol is a disease,hate the disease not your husband. why does he drink? ask him. he in the process will destroy himself, you and your children, boys who may grow up repeating the same story unfortunetly. maybe take a break from him and threaten that unless he checks into rehab then you dont go back, i know this is killing you right now but unless a step is taken now then you will only destroy yourself and most importantly,your children.it is not his choice to drink, he wants to, but since alcholisim is a disease, its so hard, it takes over you mind, body and your soul, it clouds your way of thinking and eats you up slowly and painfully, but its up to you to change this. check him into rehab or some serious help, let the boys know how horrible is alcohol. just remember you are a strong woman, who knows whats right. goodluck and god bless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007): You are better to get out. YOu only cause more hurt and pain for you and your children. No matter how hard you want him to stop drinking he has to do it you can't. Drinking is a choice, which becomes and addiction. Either way, it is something that the alcoholic must stop. My husband and I of 22 years just slit up. All he could do was drink and work, mostly work, ....I couldn't take it anymore.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): Prepare yourself and what / where you will go or how to get hime out....I was married to my eX for 15yrs and I suspected after two years.....foolishly stayed for my boy my experience is no matter what you do or say will not change them...if they are in deniel they are a lost hope.....my advice is to cut your losses and move on ...or be prepared for a rougher passage ahead... think of your children, they need a role model and they will not necessarily choose the right one to follow.....I was angry at first, when I divorced and she got the lion's share of the settlement, but I feel sorry for her now, no anger!I left the matrimonial home when my son was in his last year at school and she took an over dose of beta blockers and denied she had done so to the paramedics...enough was enough I gave 15 years...... for what? Only you know how bad things are...only you can decide what is right for you......by the way, my son chose to come with me saying " when you dad have a drink, you become happy, when mam has a drink she becomes evil....sad really. Its been hard to cope with when you loved someone so much but, you have to think about the children and what they are making out of the situation and how it will effect them. bye and good luck in your life I say you deserve a better life...you have to choose noone can do it for you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2007): i really know how scaered, alone, confused, angry, frusterated, insane, isolated and sad you must feel. i'm in a relationship with a man whos basically addicted to everything mind altering, booze and haroin are the main ones,i have three kids two with him. its so easy to say what to do when you don't acctually live in the situation. i never in a zillion years thought i would ever have stayed and put up with one% of what i have put up with and theres no way in hell i would have put my children through it, but i have and i do. but in a relationship with addiction there dosn't ever seem to be a clear, right desision. alanon really can and does help, it helped me. it nice to be with, talk with and have the support of people who have gone through the same things. i still deal with the unbelievable "symtoms" of this disease, its just easier to deal with life now. its a family desease everyone gets sick so when he does get help for himself his treatment probibly will recomened that his spouse go to alanon, thats how i started, glad i did too.
try to take care of yourself
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2007): LET GO!!! He is becoming angry and angry is one letter away from "DANGER"! He's NEVER going to change. Before he can love you and the kids he has to first love himself and that may never happen. I grew in an alcoholic environment and it was insanity. My father would drink and then beat my mother up. While my brother was pulling off my mother I was dialing 911. I bit my nails for years because I was so traumatized by what I saw as a child. The best thing you could do for your kids is to leave him. When my parents use to fight I would yell and tell them to get a divorce. They never divored, but my mother finaly kicked him out and that was the best thing she ever did. Ten years after she kicked him out he finally joined Alcoholics Anonymous. If you don't do it for yourself. At least do it for the kids. It's not healthy for them to grow up with an alcoholic. If they see their father drinking. I'm afraid when they grow up they'll be the ones drinking. Let them know it's wrong and unacceptable. LET GO AND LET GOD!
Take care.
God bless you and your family.
Love, Daisy
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2007): Your husband sounds just exactly like mine. I recently left our beautiful 3500 sq. foot home and took an apartment 3hours away. I quit my job of nine yrs. and am starting over focusing on myself. However our boys are grown so its a hard choice. Get into Al Anon support it will help you. All I can say is that I love my husband (29) yrs. but I was so tired of all the crap and how I was becoming a person I did not like very much. I have turned the focus on myself now and it is lonely, scary and hard. I am not filing for divorce I am just taking a break to regain some of my life back. They suck everything out of you and you end up becoming almost as sick or sicker than them. He is still drinking, although this has begun to make him really think he is now alone to be responsible for his own actions with no one to blame. He talks to me frequently and says he is going to get help but been there and done that already rehab and all to no avail so time will tell. I tell him I love him and I support him but I have to consider myself now bottom line. You will know when enough is enough. My husband did not drink for 23yrs. and in the last four he has ruined his relationship with our three sons because of the abuse they cause with their drinking. Kids are damaged by Alcoholic's just as spouses are no matter what age they are. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Zoey8 +, writes (3 February 2007):
Last month was the worst in my life. My sweet sober husband was a very mean drunk. He drank everyday starting about 3 in the afternoon. Things came to a head the first of Jan. I packed up some of his belongings and sent him away. I filed for divorce, put a two year no contact order on him. Since the day he left he hasn't had a drink, is attenting AA, getting couseling, and is back in church. He agreed to the divorce if that is what I wanted. I never thought he would change even for a day. I felt bad for enabling him to drink and never really giving him a chance to change. I dismissed the divorce. He still isn't home. We are working on ourselves right now. I know we both love each other and have hope in living a Christian life together. Prayer has helped me. We have a big hill to climb. There can never be alcohol in our home. I've stopped listening to people who say he'll never change. AA is filled with people who have quit drinking.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2007): my dear, i can totally understand where u are coming from. i know how much i love my husband, how much i would go through for him, however i don't think given the choice he would go through anything for me. It's sad to say but when faced with an alcholic they only have one master. i'm not living with my husband just now, i made a choice not to and believe me i regret it at times cos i miss him so much. I know the man i knew is still inside there somewhere but i also know that if i allow myself to hold on to that ideal for much longer i will become something really sad. He is still involved in our lives but it's time for me to call things to a halt. Otherwise i'm just allowing him to feel it's ok to drink and still have a family when he feels like it. I'm enabling him if i allow things to go on like they are and that's wrong for him as well as me. The hard answer is NO, you can't make it work until he acknowledges and deals with his problem. Yes you can live with it, if you choose to. nothing will change unless u decide to make a change. for my part, yes i love my husband enough to live with him the way he is, but i love my children more to allow them not to live with him. thats my choice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2007): dear only you can deciede what you want but remeber your choices will affect your kids so you have to think carefully about this the fact that you have asked this question is showing that you are considering leaving do not do it to punish you husband as this will not work you have to do for yourself and your kids lastly along with all the other post i too have lived with an alcholic and it only gets worse unless they want help which sadly is used as an excuse to keep you there.
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A
male
reader, goodbutnotgifted +, writes (27 January 2007):
 willywombat raises a good question, In this situation its dificult for me to put myself in your shoes but my inlaws story is alot like yours, its sad so strap in. before they got married "Bob" had a problem but he managed to hide it from "Sue" until well after the reception was over. They had two kids a boy and a girl and life was functioning. "Sue" worked almost constantly to try to pay the bills and "Bob" was in and out of jobs driving truck and other various odd jobs. when he was out of work he simply tended the cows and chickens and goats on his land turning as much profit from that as he could. well the problem is "Bob" was also abusing the kids, nothing freakish no sexual stuff. he just insulted them and shot them with pellet guns in the house screaming at them if they tryed to flee. eventualy word got out and "Sue" was receiving calls at work from both friends and police reporting the abuses and even instances of friends of the kids parents trying to take the kids from the home at the point of a riffle. True stories can save lives so here's the bad part. You can imagine "Bob" was wreaking havoc on these kids mental states, and about 8 years ago their eldest son shot himself at a party surrounded by friends, as "Bob" and "Sue" live out of town from this party the daughter had to id the body. You can imagine. This sounds like streching but with Alchoholism now taking its toll on "Bob" and no sign of quiting in site before it kills him his poor sons life is meaningless. unless of course his story can help you save the lives of your children. I have nothing but the greatest respect for "Bob" but untill something happens to tell him his drinking is actualy destructive he WILL NOT QUIT!! I have tried everything, and I mean everything. I even tryed to sue him after he killed my dog after tricking everyone uot of the house. He shot her in the head 7 times with a .22. thats beyond inhumane, thats surpasses rage. The hard part is that your thinking "well he's not that bad" I have seen relationships with drunks first hand not just this case, but this would be a book, please get him help or get out of that mischiver, all the prayer in the world wont erase what "bob's" done. dont let your man be the next "Bob" There is realy no option here. but I know your "sue" in a sence, but you should know "Sue" keeps "Bob drinking becasue she can control him, he's like her minion its twisted. She does it because its her way of revenge, and I dont want to see that anywhere else. Like I said I have tryed everything. God bless you and good luck
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female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (27 January 2007):
 I am sorry you have found yourself in a marriage with an alcoholic. My uncle is an alcoholic and he is 70 years old and dying of lukemia, because alcoholism kills bone marrow cells.
Alchoholism is a progressive disease as you have watched over the years your husband becoming one, now the disease has taken over his life and his free will and his personality is literally disentegrating before your eyes, he is in essence mentally ill, that in itself is a reason to leave for yourself.
For your husband to change, he actually would benefit from you leaving him, as your staying is actually enabling him because you have probably adopted a pattern of behavior where you condone, you care take, and you cover up and protect him from the scrutiny of others. The only way an alchoholic will change is if someone with power over them either financial or emotional power like you do as the mother of his children, actually promise, not threaten to cut off all ties with him until he becomes sober....this is the catalyst he needs to go into detox and rehab.
Don't try to do this alone if you can. Contact a professional in your area that is trained to conduct interventions to help you do it properly without judgement and with no exits for your husband....you need help in order to have the best results.
If he refuses help, then you need to put yourself and your kids first and leave the marriage....no one deserves to live with a person in their disease, it is especially damaging to your children, trust me, my cousin, the daughter of my alchoholic uncle, almost lost her life to crack cocaine addiction, and the real kicker is that both of these people are doctors, anesthesiologists---so no amount of education or social class causes alchohol to discriminate on it's insidious control over a person that is susceptible to addiction.
My prayers are with you.
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (27 January 2007):
 Patient1, can I ask you this, does he recognise that he has a problem with alcohol or not?
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A
female
reader, finchy +, writes (26 January 2007):
 hi, i am 17 well i think you should leave him!! not because i am being horrible its just the affect that it will have on the children. My dad was an alcoholic for the whole of my life! He would always say he was going to stop and he never did. He started being violent towards me and my mum and would always apologise afterwards and say it would never happen again! then after a few years he stopped appologising. He even stopped as low as to say he wished id never been born! imaginge if he said that to your kids. I am now contemplating seeing a counciler because of the effect it had on me!.. He is still an alcoholic now and my guess is he will always be one! Because i was with him my whole life i have grown up to hate him! Do you want your kids to hate their father??
We tried to leave and my dad found us and threatened to kill me unless we moved back in! i now live in a differant country.. so what i am saying is get out before it is too late.
sorry to seem so negative!
xx
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A
male
reader, Dr Pete + ♥, writes (26 January 2007):
 Hi Patient, you asked for a male perspective and I've read your question, I don't think someones sex will change the advice but, I would agree with everything that Irish has said. I actually have experienced alcoholism in my family. I've seen a niece grow up with an alcoholic mother and God only knows the kind of trauma she has suffered, I dread the days when she becomes a teenager and it all comes out. Her mum has been sober 4 years now but my niece, who is 9, shows obvious signs that she has had a difficult childhood.I do not believe your husband will try and seek help until he has something to truely fight for. Things for him will probably have to get considerably worse. Rock Bottom. Before he will be able to tackle his alcoholism. They will for you too, because leaving your husband and refusing to accept them back until they are sober has got to be the most difficult things ever, but you need to think long-term and be tough to be kind.Please, please think about your children as they are looking at every single little thing in the way that your husband is doing and if you do not act, they risk growing up to not respect women, and be prone to having emotional / anger problems and drink / drug problems. Your children are literally like a sponge sucking up everything that they see from their environment. Whilst your husband is drinking he is not the man you married. You need to be very strong and brave and trust that once he has been sober he can properly realise what special amazing people he has in his life... but like I say, until he is able to face reality and stop drinking, he will never be able to see that in the way you do. I do wish you all the best and I hope you have family or friends you can turn to for additional support.
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female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (26 January 2007):
 I am sorry..how hard this must be for you. You are very right to be concerned about you boys. Being exposed to a parent who suffers from alcoholism, can and will have life long, negative, painful effects on them. I can only tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes. You can decide if this is the best suggestion for you. Firstly, he's definitely out of control and he's addicted and he's in serious, serious denial. You need outside help. I would contact his family doctor and get a referral for a detox/ rehab center with counselors and write the number down. Then I would sit him down and ask him to go, with your full support. Hopefully he will go but it's highly likely he won't. If he doesn't want to go, then you need to ask him to leave the home. Immediately, not in two weeks or a month...right away. If he refuses to budge, then you and the kids need to go. Have a plan of action in place. Let him know that his drinking is no longer going to be a part of you and your son's lives anymore. Be strong and follow through. Give him the number to the family doctor and rehab center and tell him, there will be no reconciliation until he is a sober, trustworthy, loving Father and husband. Because he is abusing you and the children, you need to protect your children. I can't impress that enough on you. I know this will be the hardest thing for you to do, but your courage and strength will teach your children that no one should just tear their young lives apart..they will learn to take a stand by role modeling you. They need to see you do this. Your husband's alcoholism is a HUGE boundary breaker in this family and your husband needs to be 'backed into a corner'. Hopefully he'll get the help he needs and will become a man, that can attain a better character. But note, if he gets the help he needs, remember he is an alcoholic--this will always be temptations. But stick to your boundaries. Boundaries are important with partners who suffer from addictions and your strength can pull this family through. But he needs to realize he has a problem and get the help for himself. If he doesn't get the help he needs, and shows no redress to achieving sobriety, that will be your cue to go and visit a lawyer. A divorce may be your only option. Again, I am sorry...but please, be strong, take a stand and protect your children. My heart is with you, dear.
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A
female
reader, electronica +, writes (26 January 2007):
 Hello dear,
Since he hasn't been violent before the alcohol, I would probably say it's the alcohol! I suggest you stand by him and tell him to ask for help.
But if he is not willing to get any help, you have no choice but to take your kids and move away until he realizes his loss.
Update us please if u can,
May God help you!
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (26 January 2007):
 While I think that when kids are involved, it's imperative to work as hard as possible at a marriage you mention he's been violent which means it's endlessly better for your boys to be in a safe one parent family than a dangerous two parent one. Leave him, for them and for yourself.
CD
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