A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:lately people around me tend to think i am being a pain in the but or a jerk. i can not really figure out why this would be? i am one of the those people or at least i have become one of late who speaks there mind who doesn't take shit from any one. who says things that are offensive but need to be said because if i don't no one else will. a lot of my friends seem be resenting me of late because of my new found attitude. i can also be very controlling and want to do things my own way.you may take from what i said that i am a strong and independent person. i am strong but no where near independent. i have to ask people to do things for me all the time. they seem to be less willing to do so now that i have become more out spoken. some people find me very intelligent because of my new found attitude but most find it annoying because i am always trying to lecture and give my opinions. i am a very opinionated person. some people say that is why i will never get a girl friend. because i will drive her away with my constant complaining. i can be a very sweet person if treated right. but if i dont think im being treated right i do get ugly. most people say i dont sound mean just stuck up like i think im better then everyone else. not better then every one just certain people i always like to say.lol some friends say i need go through a attitude change or ill wind up alone. but i dont want to change just to please them. i am who i am and they should just deal with. i never intend to come off like a smart Alec but apparently that is how i am being perceived by others. based on what you have read do you think i need to change into a person who keeps there opinions to himself or embrace who i am no questions asked? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 July 2011):
 It sounds like you never really tried to talk with her, but gave up. Your first challenge was to overcome your fear, and not run away. But you never got the point of having enough courage to talk to her first. Who knows what could have happened if you did.
But also, I think your actions show you aren't over what happened. Next time you meet a girl, you will start at the same level as you ended at with this girl. Thats unfortunately (or fortunately) how it works. We only learn through experience. You had to build up a lot of courage, and while it at the time wasn't enough to approach this girl and talk to her... next time you might be ready. When the next girl comes along you'll be more brave than you were with this girl, simply because you've been working on yourself and building up your self esteem.
So next time, because of this first failure, you will do better. Isn't much of a comfort to you now, I know, but it is something.
By the way, looks don't matter. She didn't date this or that guy because of looks, it's all about chemistry, if you get along with the person or not. As for your face twitching... try not to take things personally. Maybe it was rude of her to laugh, but she could have been laughing at something else, or she could have been thinking you were funny and laughed at it in a more innocent way, like when someone slides on the ice, that too can be very funny. Even if it is politically incorrect to laugh. If you had been her friend and she laughed, you'd probably have laughed with her. I'm just saying.. you don't know her intentions. It could have been mean, but it could have been harmless.
Someone with confidence can make a fool out of themselves, or look like a freak, or walk out of the bathroom with toilet paper hanging on to them, or fart loudly, and just laugh it off and people will laugh with them and not at them. If you worry too much about what others might or might not think of you you miss out on all the fun of being yourself and you also miss out on meeting the people who will love you for who you are. You will be limiting yourself if you try to act what you think people want you to act like (this is why we keep telling people to be themselves, in a nutshell this is what it means). Being yourself doesn't mean you can be rude or mean to others... but it means that if your face twitches uncontrollably at times, then so be it, and it doesn't make you any less of a person. And when you know that within yourself, then you wont worry if others think less of you for it.
"Those who care don't matter, and those who matter don't care".
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok. i shall tell you all the begging and the end of my so called crush on her. it began in august of 2009. i was in high school at the time. it happened rather suddenly. i remember seeing her turn around a bright smile on her face. in that moment i new i had to have her. not because i had the right but because if i did not i would be become very depressed. for a while i try ed to avoid her. eventually i realized if i did not do something nothing would be resolved. first i thought if maybe i walked around close to her she would speak to me. this proved in effective. this was mostly my fault. because it was difficult for me to get close to her with out wetting my pants. one time she came up behind me and out of instinct ran from her. the friend i was with reportedly tole me later she said"why did he run" after i had left. i was so angry at myself for not being brave enough to face her. later i asked one my friends to ask her if she would go out with me. i know that no one would ever go out with some one they did not know but back then i was stupid. of course she said no. my friend did not even get to mention my name before she declined. later i try ed asking another friend who new a friend of hers to ask if she would go out with me. i thought maybe if it came from some one she new she may reconsider. this is when i received the answer no i will not go out with you i have a boyfriend response. i also did not mention that this girl i liked was on the basket ball team though she is not that tall. so she mainly dated guys on the basketball team god forbid. sure they where tall and athletic but looked like pot heads in the face from my observation. i have been told by many people that i have a hansom face. like a would belong in the classic movie error. so i am not bad looking but do not have that many muscles on me. i know this is very long but i wish to tell everything. later on i saw her go thorough two boy friends. some times i even checked out and left because i could not take seeing her with another guy. it sicked me. the first time i cried was when i ran from the parking lot inside the school building as i did every morning. i have Ocd as well. the type where some times i can not control my twitching. like if i start to run and not think about what i am doing i can make weird face's unknowingly. she saw me run in and as i passed she laughed all the way. laughed at something i could not control. i really got depressed then. i didn't want her to think of me as type of freak. my last attempt to win her over was when i had launch period with her. i thought that perhaps if i stared at her for days and weeks she would see me. this plan worked! she did see me. stared back even from another launch table. my plan was to get her over to my table and talk to me. because if she said something to me first i could talk back no problem. i also was able to talk some of her closes friends into talking to her for me. and they did there very best and i love them for it. but sadly around this time she got another boy friend. after all my hard work that had to happen. i officially gave her up on the last day of school. i began to approach her she was with her boy friend by the way. by this time she new well who i was. she saw me coming. i stopped in front of her table. made the conclusion that she was not worth my time or presence and walked away while shaking my head . this was my tragic tale. if you where brave enough to stay with me through it all. what do you make of it?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 July 2011):
I think you're right about the episode with the girl you couldn't get. I don't think this attitude you now show is you at all, it's just how you are when you are upset. You don't have to still have feelings for her to be upset about how the situation was, and to still feel frustrated about it. I think the way you express yourself now is a reaction to what happened, maybe you are trying to come off as strong and smart and build a wall around yourself so you can't be hurt again.
But this wall you build isn't the true you, the true you is the one you try so hard to protect, the one behind this wall of an attitude. I think you try to provoke others, and be offensive and rude, so that people will get pushed away from you. Because you are worried of being hurt if you stay the one you truly are (since part of who you are is being vulnerable, as you have feelings for others). Maybe you also worry that unless you make a stand, and make everyone notice you for better or worse, you wont disappear into the crowd, you will surely be noticed this time. Maybe you are acting out this way because you seek attention, attention you didn't get back then from that other girl.
Whatever it is, you're not doing yourself, or those around you, any favours. However if it is a reaction to the episode with the girl then this is a phase you will get over in time. Like this being your grieving period, a period where you try to build up again, make yourself strong again and get back up on your defenses.
I know from myself that when I have been dumped, or left a guy, it's easy to grow a hatred towards the world and sulk, and just be a negative person. Because then you wont get hurt. If you feel hurt inside, but aren't allowed by society (or yourself) to express that hurt, you will channel it through other mediums. Such as suddenly getting a bunch of negative opinions and a sudden need to yell them out, a need to tell people offensive things (with the excuse that they needed to hear them). And all of this has nothing to do with your opinion, or other people deserving the negative "truth", but it has everything to do with how you feel inside and how you choose to reflect it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): why don't you figure out a way to get rid of your anger and bitterness, rather than limiting yourself to either "embracing" it or hiding it disingenuously? why not work at truly eliminating your anger and cynicism so you become a more positive person from the inside out. then you can embrace who you really are without causing collateral damage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmost comments made so far have been nice and polite ones. two however are very rude. i would like to say to those individuals that this site is meant to give people advice not bash them over there heads. one of you spoke of me as arrogant however it is you who are the arrogant one. why this may be? because you have the arrogance to say things that are harsh. you may have meant well in your advice but fell short of actually helping the situation. the other one came off has misguided yet strong. i get the reason why you felt the way you did. but over all some great comments!
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (12 July 2011):
you may be having depression. Anger and constant irritability is a common symptom of depression, in a way anger "protects" you from feeling other negative emotions like hurt, sadness, pain, and shame. And difficult life events can certain trigger depression. You may be in a depression due to having been deeply hurt from the experience with that girl, and you haven't been able to deal with that rejection in a healthier way yet.
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female
reader, Fate100percent  +, writes (12 July 2011):
You are who you are (and if we were all the same, what a boring world it would be!)I am also a very opinionated person, and I just say what I think most of the time. (I am a lot older than you though, and I have to say I have toned it down with age (not really intentionally, I guess you just sometimes learn to bite your tongue lol)! Also, in work situations, you can't always say exactly as you want,(or you would probably get the sack!!!) but you can still get your point across!)Sometimes you have to think how you would feel on the receiving end of what you say to others? Sometimes, it's better to think a lot of things, smile and say nothing (knowing no-one can access you thoughts makes you lol!!)If your friends are resenting you, and you value these friends, the old deep breath and count to 10 before you speak is a great trick. I really envy my very chilled out friends who take what negative people say to them with a pinch of salt. (funny how i choose very chilled out friends?!!!) lol x
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (12 July 2011):
 So this all boils down to you having been terribly disappointed in love. You don't say whether she simply ignored you when you tried to win her over, or (worse still) might have actually been rude and unpleasant - I hope she wasn't that.
You know, we've all, at some point or another (and often more than once) fallen in love with someone from a distance (i.e., without having an opportunity to get to know them) and received the cold shoulder. Yes, it hurts. I can well understand you shed tears over this one.
But it's a undeniable part of life that we don't always get what we want. Others have choices as to how they respond or don't respond to us. I'm sure seeing her go through several boyfriends, and then when she was on her own, STILL not come around to your overtures, was all the more upsetting and made you feel rejected and angry. Your feelings are quite natural - you tried and ut didn't work.
Well, again, that is very disappointing and can be demoralizing as well.........but it DOES NOT mean that some other woman won't be attracted to you and want to get to know you! That's the good news. Not only that but you are only 21 (if that) and have time to meet someone.
However, you will improve your chances greatly if you can talk yourself into an "attitude adjustment" and benefit from the good advice others have offered here!
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok everyone. maybe this will help solve my case. i should have mentioned this before but hear it goes. i noticed a drastic change in my mood last year when i desired a certain girl. i mean i wanted to do everything for her. she was so beautiful and it just felt like love at first site. i would never direct the attitude i described towards her for i did not have it yet. but sadly i was unable to get her to like me. i spend a year and a half trying. after words i gave up. it just made me so anger that she did not notice me. could not see me. she went through at least four different boy friends as well when i was trying to win her over. there was a large period of time when she was single. i thought that was my chance to steel her heart but then she wound up with another. i could not take it any more after that. i cried 2 0r 3 times over it as well. lightly mind you. today i feel nothing for this girl. but sense then a new attitude seems to have risen. before i was very shy and timed and still can be but that was when my out spoken nature first arose. i have thought if this event may have triggered it. note i no longer feel anything for the girl i could not win. i no when i have been beaten.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (11 July 2011):
Heated conversation can be good, two way conversation that is. Being lectured to and told someone else's opinions without asking for them is very tedious and boring. Try and reign things in a bit. You can still make your views known without annoying people if you think about others as well as yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): It's really easy to stay your mind and be boorish towards someone. The secret to making statements about someone is to find something unique about them and make a positive and statement that take's balls. Let's face it it doesn't take a genius to state the obvious. ''You are boorish, unless your name is Frank"
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): You have mistaken a ranting mouth for independence and strength. Actually the contrary is correct...it takes strength to contain ones mind AND mouth.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 July 2011):
 You are making yourself walk a very fine line between good manners and being forthright. They aren't mutually exclusive but in your case they appear to be just that. Being aware and sensitive of other's feelings is not being dishonest to yourself. If you can't learn when to speak up and when it put a sock in it you WILL be a lonely guy.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (11 July 2011):
Well, to be quite blunt about it, you come across in your post as a pain in the neck!
What has caused you to become as outspoken and critical as you are, do you think? Have you been experiencing a lot of frustration/depression about your life lately? Perhaps if you were happier with your circumstances you wouldn't feel the need to lash out.
I'm wondering about the fact that you said you are nowhere near independent and have to ask people to do things for you all the time. What sort of things are you talking about? Getting people to give your rides to places, do small repair jobs for you???? If you are unable or find it difficult to do for yourself, it's not too surprising that you may feel the need to control others.
In other words, your lack of ability to carry out certain actions you want to perform translates into harsh criticism directed outwards to your friends, instead of to yourself.
Nobody is saying you're not entitled to your ideas and opinions, but to express them so harshly is earning resentment and resistance from your friends.
It strikes me that you are experiencing a lot of frustration and/or unhappiness in your life and circumstances, for whatever reason. This would be worth some self-exploration.....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): You sound arrogant, and that's the one trait that is really horrible to have. Many arrogant people are very lonely. I don't mean to sound flippant, but just lighten up a bit! Stop taking life so seriously and stop thinking you have the right to pass comment or judgement on other people's lives.
You sound cruel to me. I wouldn't be friends with you. Which is just as well, as I live miles away!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): yes you have the right to say whatever you want, whenever you want. But other people have the right to react to you accordingly as well however they want.so it's up to you. if you don't mind being ostracized then no need to change what you're doing.if don't want to be ostracized, well can you blame people for ostracizing to you if you're being a jerk to them first all the time?my brother in law is always unpleasant to everyone, he says he sees no need to censor his thoughts and derides that as being phony. OK...so he's now...divorced, living alone, no friends, his one friend eventually stopped contact with him, his own family pretty much avoids him as much as possible. But he claims this is all just fine with him since obviously no one can handle his candor so who needs them. well he's happy with being all alone and a hermit so whatever floats your boat.(however humans are biologically by nature a social species so it would actually be unnatural or deviant to truly be happier being ostracized than to be accepted socially)
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 July 2011):
Your new attitude is tiresome, that's why. It's annoying. We don't always want to hear lectures, nor are we dead interested in your opinions. It's also ignorant to believe you are so intelligent that everyone should shut their yaps and listen to your holy word. Or up the lines of that. It's annoying.
If you want to keep it up, fine. But don't pretend to not understand why people dislike it.
Your friends are dealing with it. Just get on with the fact that "dealing" with it means they'll ditch you. So yeppers, you'll wind up alone. It isn't a threat. It's a matter of fact. You take your pick.
You aren't really "embracing who you are". Do you really think no one else has opinions? I feel like giving you a knock on the head now. Of course they have opinions. Of course they are smart, maybe smarter than you. But you scream the loudest, that's what's happening. And people don't like to play with you now that you've turned for the worse. Be who you are, as in keep your opinions, and be outspoken, but be modest! Be humble. Show some good quality sides of yourself in addition to the horrible. Be polite. Being who you are is no excuse for not being polite, nor is it an excuse for not respecting others.
People aren't ditching you because they don't like who you are as a person, or they don't like your opinions, or whatever. They ditch you because of the way you express yourself. There are other ways to express who you are, ways that include you being nice to others and being a functional member of society.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (11 July 2011):
since this is a recurring pattern of many people telling you that you're being offensive and negative, then I would say that you need to change something about yourself. that is unless you want to end up isolated with no friends or any close relationships.
Perhaps you just need to learn when it's appropriate to speak your mind and then how to do it in a way that doesn't come off as being offensive. And maybe you need to learn better judgment of when it's better to keep your opinions to yourself. So basically this would be learning better interpersonal communication skills. you can read articles on the web or books that teach you communication skills. Or you could see a counselor or sign up for various professional development courses (at work or at school) that also teach interpersonal communication skills.
I understand you don't want to be a fake, but it's also not productive or beneficial to express every opinion that comes to mind. For example, if you think one of your friends is ugly, would you actually say to him or her "I think you're ugly"? What good would that do? and does it hurt you so much to with hold that opinion? So, at other times when you find yourself wishing to express a negative opinion, ask yourself if it really is productive or if it would be counterproductive to do so.
If you're upset about something that some one did, then you do have a right to say something. If someone has crossed your personal boundaries, definitely you should speak up and not just simmer in silence (otherwise chances are they'll do it again). But there are ways of bringing things up without driving people away or creating bigger problems than originally existed.
Finally, another aspect from your (rather vague) post is that if you find yourself constantly feeling negatively about everything - to the point that most of your opinions are of a negative nature and you don't see many things to speak positively about - then consider if you have depression and it's clouding your view of the world. Depression may be biological based, or it may be due to real and external circumstances but still is a sign that something in your life needs to change if you're always feeling very negative.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): In my opinion stay true to who you are. Some people find it difficult when faced with an upfront person who says what they think. Those people tend to be the one's who talk behind people's back, you have a right to your opinions and to be heard. As far as people saying you will always be alone, they have no idea what they are talking about. I have known many people who are outspoken like you, and they have found their partner, My father was the most outspoken person I have ever met, and he was married for 50 years to my mum. People find it hard to deal with change, and your friends are simply finding it hard to face the change in your attitude, but by no means should you change for them, they should accept that you are your own person and have your own way about you.
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