A
male
age
26-29,
*am Wilson
writes:So its been quite sometime since I left DC.And I really wish I came back with some better news, but hey life is life and it doesnt always go your way. So on with it.Its been over 6 months since I said to myself that I wanted to start dating again and since then Ive been on ZERO Dates. Of course the problem is me as I know Im being too picky, I dont think its really fair to girls but Im a Nerd and I want to have the same interest with girls and have deep conversations....and so far I havent found her, with work and friends and all I still cant find the time or deep desire to actually go looking for one.(well except in lonely nights when you crave romance...but hey everybody gets that)So on to my question recently Ive come across the opportunity to be set up. Coworkers and Bosses alike has been pestering me for months about setting me up and well I guess Im to afraid to take the chance.A coworker of mine recently told me about how Perfect I would be with GIRL A...and the only reason Im entertaining the idea is because Ive seen her around... and well Ive come to develop a small crush on her...and I hate to bring this up again but shes a Coworker. Do I just take a chance? If Im being set up does this mean she is kinda interested in me too. Im all up for dating again but this seems artificial or unnatural. Ive never actually met people this way before and Im kinda nervous what will happen if I say yes.I know this is probably very basic...but I just can stop entertaining the idea of saying yes. I know there are only two answers the Smart One NO because shes a coworker... and YES be Stupid and take a chance. But I barely know her and I really dont want to go by who people think would be perfect for me.Again Im sorry for going back and asking these types of questions cause I know your bored to death by these, but hey if you wanna know more about my situation she happens to be this girl... http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-it-okay-to-ask-out-a-girl.html
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 June 2019):
 Thanks for the update, Sam :)
I think it was good that you ASKED her yourself. Because you ARE an adult and should be able to "pick and choose" who you want to date.
I think if you two get along it might be nice to ask her out. IF you think she is interested too.
And I think from now on, if ANYONE at work wants to set you up you SHUT them down. You can do it with humor or just be straight forward.
I set my two best friends (guy and a girl) up on a blind date, about 30 years ago... and well, they have been married 25 years with 2 kids, a farm and everything. However, I KNOW why that worked. I knew both of them VERY well, and they had seen each other but not really talked so they had an idea of who the other person was, plus they had heard me talk about them A LOT over maybe a 2 year period or so.
I set my brother up with a friend of mine who had a massive crush on him and well... they have been together for over 30 years. (but again he KNEW who she was)
So being set up is NOT always a bad thing. I just think it's a little inappropriate for coworkers to "meddle" in other people's love life. For THEIR entertainment. I know, the probably mean well, but you know if you don't put down your foot they will keep pushing.
I think it's actually a little cute that you two bonded over feeling AWKWARD at being set up by coworkers. See IF it works out long term there will be that story. :)
IF you ask her out, don't mention it at work. It will only encourage the meddling people...
Having an ACTUAL real date could be a good idea to see how 1. you feel about dating, 2. getting a little dating experience (as an adult ) 3. if you really get along.
She might not BE someone you want to date, the only way to KNOW that is to actually go on a date.
It doesn't have to be crazy love-stuck from the get go, to work. I wasn't into my hubby at first. It took time. Once we clicked though, it was pretty amazing. Been married over 20 years... :)
Just remember DATING is like a vetting period where you have to get to know the other person, see if they are a good fit. So IF you decide to go on more dates with her, keep it light, keep it fun and SAVE the sexy time for when you ACTUALLY think SHE is someone I want to date.
Good luck! And don't ever feel bad for asking questions or updating us :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2019): Your reaction and mindset are pretty much the common reaction people have to "blind-dates," or being set-up.
I suspected she was also put on the spot and egged-on by co-workers; but it's really most inappropriate for this kind of atmosphere in a business environment. As I mentioned before; you could take a liking to her, but she may not reciprocate. Even if she accepts a "date-date;" it could be out of a sense of obligation or politeness.
It's just placing too much on-the-line, considering the high-risk of liability; and the possibility of things hitting a snag. If she feels pressured or harassed; that places your employer in an awkward position. Thar's the reason why our internationally-known company has so many seminars and meetings regarding sexual-harassment, protocols, conduct, and work-ethics...mandatory I might add! #ME TOO has brought this to the corporate workplace.
People must learn to mind their own business; and nothing works like spontaneous chemistry between two people who find each other. In some cultures there are arranged-marriages and courtships that are matched by others (who happen to be family); but allowing people you work with to get involved in your love-life also leads to a lot of questions, gossip, and inquiries. Nosy busy-bodies want to know "why this" and "how come that?"..."What's wrong with him, or her?"
So, if you want privacy; speak nothing of your interactions outside the workplace, at your workplace! Show her that much respect, as a gentlemen should.
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A
male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (2 June 2019):
Sam Wilson is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well I have an update if any of you are interested.I didnt go through with the set up and just asked the girl I had a crush on for coffee.I had a nice time, Im not totally into her yet but willing to see if somethings there if shes also into it. I dont know if this is how 'adjusted' people are supposed to date. Not totally head over heels for her but she seems nice and we do shared a few things in common. Still wary of asking her to a date date though but Ill be careful. A few things to note though....She was also a victim of the workplace 'setups' and asked me if I was told to ask her out. Still not a fan of office teasing come on we are all adults, I felt bad that iit made her feel that me asking her out was somewhat forced (which was not) . She considers are out for coffee a 'date' and didnt like to dance around the idea that it was something less of a date. She was open to doing it again but wishes it to be more private. Thanks Wiseowl amd Honeypie I know it may not seem much but thanks for the years of help. I felt that my life was a bit out of control when I graduated from college with life not going as planned the way I envisioned it in highschool with me just winging everthing I did from college onward. So it helps a lot that you two were one of the users here who I could constantly count on for honest opinions. (Heck all my relationship problems from 18 onwards are in here). I can honestly say that this is the first time Ive been on an Adult Date and it feels like doors are open for me. As much as I relish genuine emotion and want, it feels a bit liberating to finally play the field without being lovestruck. I dont know if Ill try too see other girls now (outside of work offcourse) or ask Girl A again for a date. It took a long time and honestly I dont know what triggered this feeling but is this how dating someone supposed to feel? Im not up all night thinking about her, I dont want to bombard her with texts, and I dont want to open up my soul to her. All I know now is that I like the company and I want to know more about her. Once again thanks for the help Ive been feeling pretty good since the date. I feel like Im back on track and Ill be sure to give you an update if anything else arise. I know this is far from the original question now so I apologize for the long comment.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 May 2019):
And Sam, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, tell them to STOP.
At 24 you are HARDLY so old or on the shelf :)
As for blind dates in general... I have been on 2, back in my 20's - BOTH disasters lol. I don't know WHAT the people who set me up were thinking! TO be honest. One guy I had ZERO in common with (other than being the same species, same nationality and living in Copenhagen) THAT really wasn't enough to have a second date. And #2 was a total asshat. The kind with a big mouth, small brains... "took" me to dinner at this decent place but MADE sure to tell me halfway through the meal that he had left his wallet at home, and then ordered more food...(with glee) Yeah, that didn't end well for him either... I paid MY meal, left a tip and left him at the restaurant. No that I would have minded paying for a meal but this was deliberate. As in he would say yes to blind dates and get the date to pay for his meal. He wasn't looking for a GF.
It's OK to BE single a while, it can kind of hone in on WHAT you are looking for WHEN you feel ready to date again.
As for the girl, yes I think think you should get to know her. She is in a different department and going for coffee or lunch one day won't make things awkward.
Overall though, your coworkers need to stop messing with your love-life :)
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A
male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (26 May 2019):
Sam Wilson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Honeypie and WiseOwl for answering my question.
Believe it or not Wiseowl Im in that exact same scenario as you've describe....minus the gay part.
I dont have much work friends zero honestly and a lot of so called busy bodies do keep trying to set me up with girls... both coworkers and non coworkers. I find myself comfortably single though as Ive said a part of me does feel like it wants to start fating again.
After months of them telling me about so called "perfect" for me ladies I only started to consider 1 because yeah I have a small crush on this gir Girl A the coworker from a different department.
Ill try and go for Honeypies advice and get to know her first before trying to be set up first with Girl A. I do find it quite embarrassing that people tend to question why I am single or why I dont go out with them much so it puts a bit of pressure on me to considering dating again just to prove I have a life.
I know I should move at my own pace but yeah Im 24 Im not getting any younger... my ex girlfriend has probably long since moved on and I really feel that 18 months is enough time.
But Wiseowl I get what youre saying and feel like saying yes to non coworker set up first.If anyone at the office ever bring up setting me up again I got nothing to lose by saying yes (if its outside work) I think I really need to get to know Girl A before deciding if shes worth the trouble.
I just find blind dating a bit weird and to be honest scary. I mean I never dated a girl without a chat first and Im really not all to familiar with the process. Im a really private person too so them knowing about whats happening is a little bit embarrassing.
With work coming up I'll give you an update. As always thank you for the help its calming that I can have a place to ask for help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2019): Be careful about being set-up with people on your job. If this young-woman is unaware of the matchmaking, and really has no interest in you; things could go pretty bad.
I am gay, and being young and single years ago; the busy-bodies in my office kept asking me why I didn't have a wife or a girlfriend? They kept suggesting single-women around the office. First-off, I was highly offended they were so intrusive into my personal-life. I'm a very private person. I had no interest in any of their choices; and I was in-line for promotion to be supervisor. Our company frowns upon too much non-work-related tomfoolery, and dating among staff. Friendships and comradery is our own business; but dating and romance is a whole different category, which carries a lot of risk and liability!
Upper-management and the executive-hierarchy prefers professionalism, teamwork, scrupulous work-ethics, and professional-courtesy. Far off-site, our personal-contacts and socializing is our business; but if you wanted to move-up in the company, be ever-aware you represent the firm no matter where you are. By law, they're still liable; if we harass or intimidate our co-workers even when off-site. Surely some are dating. Of course, people are discrete and mind their P's & Q's! The work-atmosphere is relaxed, cordial, and friendly. You never feel imposed upon. No people "setting people up" with dates!
In years past, there had been some pretty bad issues about harassment among female-employees by male-staff; so they were "setting me up" alright! For trouble!!! Telling women I was single and available; or considered a good-catch. Pushing women on me at company gatherings; until I had to ask them to stop, and I didn't want their help. Ever! Sometimes the women thought I had asked other people to send them over to chat with me. I had no clue what they were talking about. I got along great with people; so I could easily finesse it off. I got tired of people getting into my business, however! Well-meaning, but they got far too into it! Sometimes I knew it was in spite to embarrass me! That's why I'm where I am, and they're still where they were.
Here's your problem. You may have a crush, but you haven't been properly introduced. You may discover she is nowhere near your type. How will she deal with being rejected? What if you do hit it off, you start to like her; but she decides she's not into you? Then you have to see each other day after day!
Get out there and do your own searching. Leave co-workers out of your dating agenda. There are 327.2 million people in the United States. Somewhere among that vast population, you will find suitable and available single-women. In fact, 2017 statistics show females outnumber males...by the year 2024 there will be 167.08 million men and 173.9 women in the USA. Be as picky as you like; just be sure you measure-up to your own high-standards!
There may be people here who might suggest you go for it. I'm the regional director over a large business; and the liability to the company for on-the-job/office-romances and sexual-harassment during this #ME TOO movement is far too risky.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 May 2019):
Someone trying to set you up CAN means she is interested as well, but that isn't always a given.
Do you talk to her in passing? Say hi, how are you? If not, I would start there BEFORE agreeing to be set up with her. Best way to gauge if she could be interested.
I normally go NO on the dating co-workers. Just because if it doesn't work out things get awkward or drama filled - two things you don't REALLY need in the day to day work day. (nor does your coworkers!).
Before the internet... THAT is how MANY people met their SO/dates. Through family, friends and coworkers. I honestly find it a LOT less "artificial or unnatural" than Tindr or whatever date/hook up app out there!
Usually, when people suggest setting you up, they know the BOTH of you, at least a little and can perhaps see something you can't... yet.
So my advice would be, try and start some conversations (small talk kind of subject) with her BEFORE agreeing to being "set up". Who knows, you might find the two of you HAVE something in common and you could ask her out yourself.
I think it ALL depends on how close you work together. If you don't see her daily or work WITH her, I don't see it being totally stupid to go out with her. If she is on the same team or one desk over... maybe not the best idea.
And let's say that you during the date find her to NOT be someone you WANT to date, no harm, no foul.
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