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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi Aunts and Uncles !First of all, thank you for the help and support you’ve given me over the years ! And I wish you all the best in the new 2022 ! Hopefully it will be much MUCH better than the previous two ??Long story short – after DECADES of accepting to be a part of a toxic friendship, I’m out (again, thanx !!!). This « friend », let’s call her Ana, is still trying from time to time to see if we can get back to “being friends”… and I feel the best when I ignore her messages. Am I right? The problem is, some of our mutual friends who still accept her bad behavior, stayed behind. I had to face the fact that we were all somehow bounded by “Ana’s problems”, that we were her enablers and that they simply do not know how or don’t want to be friends with me outside of that definition. Ana is not someone I would have ever chosen for a friend. And had I been more assertive, she would have steered clear of me too.Our families used to be very close (her parents died 2-3 years ago, my mom died 25 years ago) and we’ve known each other since we were born. So, she was like a family member. The friends I mentioned were very close too.When my mom died, Ana and her mother changed their behavior towards me. I was OK as long as I did what they wanted me to do. I don’t want to bore you with details (again), but let’s just say that the dynamics between us was similar to that of siblings, who have a mother who expects one kid to take care of the other and is afraid of the depression and the aggression of that other kid. Ana always, ALWAYS had her way with her mum. So, when you ask yourselves WHY I had put up with it please think of this as a toxic family I used to be a part of.I could list some of the really bad things Ana did. But I think that the word “narcissist” sums it up. She uses people. Lies. Manipulates. Emotionally blackmails them. And there are some “better people” she looks up to and would like to be a part of (famous, well off), she treats them differently – tries to “buy” them with gifts, favors, promises… and by making herself look better than she is. I would just like to say that her own mother admitted to me how bad she felt when she had given in to her daughter’s demands NOT TO HELP ME with something. I mean come on… I was soooooo broken to be able to accept this!Anyway, I put an end to this last time I saw her (7 months ago) when she tried to make me responsible for her daughter (the same her mom made me responsible for her). I refused it plain and simple. She decided to have a kid on her own at 44. And of course, tried to recruit everyone around her to “help” her. One of our friends is still doing her all sorts of favors (although I wouldn’t call it a “favor” when someone goes shopping, cooks and cleans for you and your kid all the time, being yelled at and belittled… for free because of the “friendship”). FIY, she decided to have a kid via sperm donor when she realized that she would not find a partner (famous, well off, remember?) and that she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life alone. She herself said it so many times that if she had found someone, she wouldn’t have to have children. Btw, she NEVER had a normal relationship, she had three short flings with married men. We live on different continents (she used to come and stay with my family all the time… don’t ask… I was a cook/maid/shrink… and I accept the fact that I was responsible for enabling her) and the only way we stayed in touch was texts, chats, facetime… I’ve never told her I never wanted to see her again. It was 3 months after she had had the baby and I thought it best to cool our relationship slowly. Truth be told I’d been doing it for years! I stopped calling her, I only answered her calls/texts, I never invited her for anything (she would always invite herself) … The last time she called, about 5 months ago, she used my mother’s death “anniversary” as a pretext. What she actually wanted to share was how successful she was professionally so quickly after having a kid, presuming that I still had difficulties in that department. She hadn’t known (and I didn’t correct her) that that had ceased to be the case.When I stopped reacting to her messages (images, or comments about her life, she never once asked how my family and I were doing), two friends I mentioned earlier, who stayed behind, texted me to tell me how worried they are for Ana and how I should call her… I texted them back asking how THEY AND THEIR FAMILIES WERE saying I’d like to hear from them. They NEVER wrote back. That’s when I really “got the message” so to speak.Anyway, this morning Ana sent me a photo of her daughter and I decided not to say or write anything. I did nothing. Is this the best strategy? The holidays are coming and there’s a possibility that she and the two friends are going to send a text to wish me all the best… should I reply? I don’t think I should. But that thought makes me uncomfortable. Make it’s just the old meek me.I don’t want to be rude, but honestly, I don’t want to…. If experience has taught me anything, Ana always tests your boundaries to see if you really mean what you say or if we can get back to our old patterns. Thanks for your help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2021): I get why people here advise you to block her number, but in my experience people like her shouldn’t be provoked. And blocking her might provoke her, because then she would realize how definite your decision is. She needs to believe that there’s still something for her to lose IF she behaves badly. And God knows what people like her can do, what lies they can tell.
I don’t think it’s cruel. She’s always known what she was doing. So this is really not a complete surprise. What may have surprised her is that you have finally found the courage to stop enabling her. (Of course, this is your entire fault, you are jealous, not a real friend etc.) But… knowing narcissists, she certainly still believes that someday she may find a way to manipulate you into coming back to this toxic relationship. Especially if she sees you as a very useful friend.
I used to have a friend like that (emphasize on “used to” : ). I remember how each time when she didn’t have her way, she would come to me and ask me what she could have done differently to get what she wanted. Basically, she was asking me if I knew a better, more efficient way to manipulate someone. She was thoroughly convinced that with the right “tools” she would ALWAYS have her way in her professional and private life, including love life, of course. Whenever someone would tell her “no”, she would demand to know all the reasons, so that she could dissect them and show that person how they COULD do what she was asking and then she would make them feel bad for not making more of an effort (because, had they really been her friends, they would have…).
She’s not really hurt; she’s not wandering what happened. Her plans fell through. Your decision not to block her isn’t causing her any real emotional pain, because she never loved or cared about you. But your decision to leave this toxic friendship is certainly causing her discomfort, because now she has to find someone else to replace you. Those who stayed behind will have to pick up the slack.
I know it’s hard to realize that you were a part of a “family” for as long as you played a certain role, that beyond that role you were non-existent. But. It is what it is. You cannot change them all. They all chose to be a part of it.
If they are not interested in you, if they are comfortable with her badmouthing you… well, what kind of “friends” are they?
Having said all of this…Do what feels best for YOU. If it’s to block her, then block her. If it’s to ignore her messages, ignore them. Bottom line is – you owe her NOTHING. So please do not think about it in terms of politeness vs. rudeness. Not to exaggerate, but you know how Ted Bundy exploited the politeness of young women! It was almost impossible for them to say no to a stranger in need… that would have felt rude! Honey, saying NO is NOT being rude. Not reacting to someone’s actions in this situation is not rude. It’s a human right ;)
...and if all else fails… just think about all the wrong she did you… you have the right to do what is easier for you. Don’t spend even a minute more thinking about her OR her enablers!
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (21 December 2021):
 The fact that she lives in another continent makes this even easier.
IGNORE all calls, texts and messages from her, and any of her enablers. You don't have to make any announcements or declarations, just ignore them.
This fixation folks have with 'not being rude' is the anchor that keeps them from removing toxins from their lives.
You ARE being polite. You haven't launched a smear campaign against her. You don't scream at her or call her obscene names, or try to sabotage her. You're just not responding to her.
Stay the course. Doing the right thing is how we gain, and maintain self respect. Ignoring her is the right thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2021): There's and echo in the room.
"OP, wouldn't it be easier to just block and delete her?"
I have to echo Honeypie on this one. That should include everyone else who feels the need to coddle and enable Ana.
People don't entirely complete the separation process; because they fail to fully disconnect and block all means of contact. When you decide a relationship must end, it is not ended until you discontinue all means of contact. Leaving all channels open, while just ignoring people is mean. The silent treatment is just a form of psychological torture; it doesn't have any other purpose. She knows you're getting the messages, and will agonize for your response.
Cut her loose, and move on. If you have to give-up all the others left behind, so be it. Ghosting without warning or explanation is another cruel way of cutting people off; but I think it's more humane than the silent treatment. However, ghosting is the best way to end contact with an abuser or a malicious person.
If all doors of access are shut, the person will give-up; and psychologically, they can start a process of emotional-detachment. They will survive the breakup or ending of a friendship. Sometimes we are forced to let-go; and saving yourself is one of the best reasons I know.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (20 December 2021):
 OP, wouldn't it be easier to just block and delete her? If you block them all, you don't have to fret over what to do IF/WHEN they text.
You don't see her as a friend, or "family by proxy", you know she is toxic to those around her. There is no reason to keep giving her access to you and for you to stay on her social media or whatnot.
Think of this past "friendship" as a tumor, cut it out. Heal. Move on.
She will ALWAYS be who she is, you will always have to second guess her motives and your own boundaries.
It's NOT being rude when you decide, this is it. I'm done.
As for the other "friends" who still wait on her hand and foot, THAT is their choice. I'd cut them off too if they only contact YOU to try and coerce you into getting back in contact with Ana.
I guess is lucky that you live far from them all, make new friends where you are at. Enjoy your life and leave that old tumor drama behind you.
Don't you think you deserve some peace and happy life? Without all this drama?
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