A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone I’m in.a relationship for 6 years now my boyfriend has always stared at women in front of me for the first couple of years it really upset me then he stopped but now I have caught him loads of times doing it he nearly put his neck out the other day just to look at some girl in shorts I know it’s what men do but I feel so like he has no respect for me with him doing it in front of me I’m fed up of it does it mean anything for the relationship or is it just what men do thank you Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2019): It’s a sad world where men consider women ‘entertainment ‘ this is the kind of attitude that leads to women not being taken seriously in the workplace , to discrimination and unfortunately sometimes even to sexual assaults
I wonder if sometimes men stop to consider that in summer women wear less clothes because the weathers hot , just like men do . Or if men consider that perhaps women dress in certain fashions because they themselves like them . Not everything women so is for men.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2019): Typo correction:
"... your option is to break-up and move on."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2019): He's just a boyfriend. Boyfriends are replaceable. You've put-up with this crap for six years. If you can no longer stand it, kick him to the curb! "But you love him!" That's always the reason women put-up with the things they complain about here to DC.
You don't become deaf, dumb, and blind; because you're in a relationship. If you have sight, you can see attractive people. Don't pretend you don't know a good-looking man when you see one. Your man offends you by lusting with his eyes.
Your option is to send him packing! Find a better one!
He's not your husband, where a different set of rules would apply. Husbands don't get to disrespect their wives in such a way. He (the husband) has much to lose; if he can't control himself. He has made vows of faithfulness, before God and witnesses; so he is held to a higher standard. Not boyfriends!
If you're insecure, or prone to jealousy, any kind of attention he gives another woman is going to upset you. If he has gone so far as to break his neck looking at other women, why are you still with him?
Women complain about this sort of thing often at DC; but insist on keeping men who seem to have more interest in other women than the woman he has. Sorry, but we have no magical-solution to blind your boyfriend to other attractive females. Sometimes he can't say he only has eyes for you; but his heart beats only for you! He's free to do with his eyes as he pleases; and if it offends you so much, your option his to break-up and move on. You don't have to suffer. Unless you want to!
If he is disrespectful of you, the responsibility falls on you to let him know exactly how you feel; and offer him an ultimatum if he can't seem to control himself. In a relationship, commitment has boundaries and rules. There is an understanding of love, trust, and devotion. If one partner consistently refuses to observe the rules of loyalty, respect, and faithfulness; the penalty is to completely cut all ties. Let him or her go! That is the option of the partner who has been offended.
If you can't trust him, you can't really love him. If he knows you don't trust him no matter what, why worry about your nagging and complaining? You live with your choices.
You see, your fear is, he has listened to your complaining so long he is now immune to any threats or complaints. You'd rather keep him, than to surrender him to any other woman. Even if it kills you inside to put-up with his ways. You may complain, but there are no consequences! You're not going anywhere! You feel helpless, and he feels no threat. You won't leave him for any reason; and he knows it. Therefore, the behavior continues and worsens with time. He may even enjoy seeing your jealousy! He looks in defiance!
Six years you've kept him. He hasn't even asked you to marry him. You want advice on how to CHANGE him. No you don't have to put-up with him staring at other women; but you have chosen to.
You can't change him, but you CAN REPLACE HIM!!! If you've put-up with this for six long years; you may as well accept it as the kind of man he is. The fact you've held-on to him for so long, means he must do other things that you value so much you won't leave him.
Desperation to have a man in your life (dependency) could be the only other reason you'd suffer and keep him regardless. For some women, having a rotten-man is better than having no man at all! I pity women like that. They suffer so! Thinking all men are terrible anyway! Never-mind the fact she has bad-taste in men, and prone to making bad choices.
If the fear of loneliness or the need of a man is so strong; then I guess you'll have to continue to live with it. If he otherwise makes you happy, he doesn't do more than look; then I guess things could be worse.
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (15 July 2019):
 Hi op,
Let me explain a little about men...well humans in general.
A lot of times, people get comfortable in their relationships. All the cute sexy things you did back then to get your guy's attention, you may no longer do. You got him, it's been 6 years, so all is good...WRONG!!!
Relationships are just like a job. Stop working at it, and someone will be replaced by someone who is willing to do the work. To a man, nothing is more sexy than a working woman. If you truly knew how much power you have over us men, your head would explode.
When I say work, I do not only mean in the office, or around the house. I mean working his mind. When a woamn teases a man's mind, he comes to life. Now he wants more. A short skirt showing legs, makes a man's mind go all over the place with ideas. Yeah...we are that simple. You lifting up your skirt to give him a quick peek randomly...SOLD...Job well done.
Women have been our prize since humans walk the Earth. Men have fought wars for women. Before TV and the internet...their were belly dancers, and show girls, and so on...You women have always been our entertainment.
So if you have stopped being his eye candy, his entertainment...guess what happens??? This is not just a man thing, it's a human nature thing. However, we men crave such stimulations more often. The birds are not the only things having mating season in spring time.
Women wear less clothes in warmer weather. They too are seaking the attention of males. They show off what they have to offer. So...what are you offering him??
Look at it this way...He has been with you six years, so you are doing things right. Forget about who he looks at, and make yourself his eye candy.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2019): I have been through this before and again in my current relationship. it is disrespectful and cruel really for men to do this. so I told him you can do that but you will be single just looking at women and lose me forever so he has stopped. so tell him to change and stop this and if he does it again KNOWING it upsets you then tell him goodbye. otherwise it will make you feel like crap and you don't deserve that you deserve to be loved and shown love. Trust me on this if hes scared of losing you he will stop when you call the shots on it. hes just getting away with it at the moment don't allow it. Promise me you will tell him to stop or your gone.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2019): If he's staring so much that you notice, then the other woman notices too. have you ever been on the recieving end of a stare like that? It's creepy and it makes you feel like you can't even leave the house without some man oogling you and thinking you're just something nice for him to look at. This is what your boyfriend is doing day in and day out to lots of women. Not only is it disrespectful to you but it is disrespectful to these women and indicates that he sees women as decorations to look at rather than people. My gut would say if he does that, then there are other ways in which this behaviour manifests. One of them is that he really doesn't care that you see him doing this because your feelings are less important to him than his own desire to make other women uncomfortable with his gross behaviour. Whether you want to continue putting up with that is up to you but you won't change this behaviour, it's symptomatic of something much deeper.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 July 2019):
 @female anon, Ive actually never heard of this as a problem outside of this forum. None of my friends have this issue with their boyfriends or husbands. I never had a boyfriend who did this. Ive never even seen it in real life. My guess is its a cultural thing then, that in some countries men just arent taught to respect women. So the solution must be to find a Scandinavian boyfriend, they do not act this way.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2019): Give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he reacts
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2019): Every man I’ve ever been with does this . Every man every one of my gfs has ever been with has done this . Every man my sister has ever been with has done this . When I’m out I regularly see men doing this when with their wives and gfs .
Why ? I am only guessing because they think weighing women up on appearance is totally ok and they have no respect for their partners
I’m sure there are a minority of men who control themselves . Go find one who’s decent
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (14 July 2019):
This is not «what men do», this is what your disrespectful boyfriend does. Sorry to say so, but if I were you I would have probably dumped him long time ago. You can not change a man, but you can change boyfriends... Ive never had a boyfriend who did this. So honestly, I have no idea what advice to give you other than stop thinking this is «what all men do», because they really dont.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2019): Two years ago, before I got married, my fiance kept on staring at other womens legs and behinds. His behavior angered me because I have flawless legs and a great ass, not to sound conceited, and we were having sex 7 days a week, except my period, and during my period week I gave him head daily plus I ALWAYS swallow! So I kept telling him how he was hurting me by oogling these other womens behinds, but he never stopped it. I had several skirts that were mid thigh length. I took 3 such skirts to my aunt who sews, and got her to hem them up another 3 inches. Then when went out together, I would make a point to wear one of those skirts, and if it was a cooler evening, I would wear only sheer tights underneath my skirt. My butt was just barely covered and gosh I sure got noticed and received a lot of flirty attention from other men. My fiance hated that, so we made a deal, that I would stop wearing the hemmed skirts if he was discreet with his looking, so as not to hurt my feelings! We are happily married!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2019): This type of behaviour can be very typical in men unfortunately and no you do not have to put up with it. We all notice attractive people , so what ? That doesn’t mean we have to ogle them and it certainly doesn’t mean we ogle them in front of our partner , making them feel embarrassed and second best .
I’d let him know ONCE that this is not ok and that any time he does it the days outting or planned events with him will be over . Don’t make a scene or embarrass yourself just quietly leave with your dignity
If he thinks a quick perv is worth giving up a day with you then this should tell you all you need to know about how much he cares about you
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2019): It's embarrassing, uncomfortable and disrespectful. I wouldn't play any games with him. I'd just come right out and tell him how I felt. If he still can't exercise any self-control then I'd dump him. No drama, just walk away.
Yes, there are men who have enough respect for their partners to not rubberneck or stare at other women in front of them.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 July 2019):
 Yes, MEN (and WOMEN) notice attractive people, even when they have a partner, even an attractive partner. I'd say THAT part is "normal". No one goes "blind" because they have a partner.
What ISN'T "normal" (but unfortunately very common) is the STARING or OGLING another women (or man) in front of a partner. It's BAD manner, it's rude, disrespectful and kind of immature.
Personally, I would walk away EVERY time he does it. Not saying a word, just walk somewhere else. And if he asks why, tell him :" IF he can't USE a little tact when noticing someone, you don't NEED to be right there with him and watch him OGLE someone" - It's EMBARRASSING!. Keep doing it, eventually he MIGHT take the hint and become more respectful towards you AND the women he ogles. If not... then you have two choices:
SUCK it up OR tell him to go fly a kite off a cliff and end it.
Now, I know... you can't CHANGE another person. But you CAN show without the drama and butthurt feelings... that this is NOT acceptable behavior to you. Whether he modify his behavior or not... THAT is up to him. Whether you will STICK it out with him, is up to you (and to a point up to him).
...............................
|
