A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Long story short, a really good friend of mine recently confessed his feelings for me. Things would not have worked between us (and I told him this), first off because I'm not attracted to him in that way and more importantly because he was, and I believe still is, engaged to another woman. I knew this, and he knew that I knew. The conversation was not him fishing to see if I'd be a girl on the side but rather an "I love you and I want to spend my life with you. Say the word and I'll leave her" type deal. Very awkward. I feel awful for his fiancée. When I explained that I did not share his feelings and had no desire to interfere with his current relationship, his next response was that we could no longer be part of each other's lives, because he couldn't "repair things" with this woman with me still in the picture. I understand where he was coming from, and although I genuinely valued his friendship (I don't have many friends, or make new ones easily) I honored his request. I even unfriended him on Facebook so he wouldn't be getting constant reminders of me and what I was up to.Several months have passed and we have not spoken. I've missed his friendship dearly, but made no effort to contact him because I do believe it would interfere with his attempts to "move on."Yesterday he sent me an e-mail out of the blue. It's a confusing mixture of him pining for the loss of our platonic hangouts and a re-declaration of his feelings for me. He states among other things that he has not given up on the "dream" of us being together and so on. Obviously my feelings on the subject have not changed.I really valued this guy as a friend, I confided in him a lot and I do miss him as well, just not in the way that he wants. I hate to be rude to him, but I feel like I should probably just ignore it and not write anything back. I don't know what, if anything, would be appropriate to say. Advice? Do I answer him or leave it alone?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 December 2012):
 I would UTTERLY ignore it. YOU can not go back to being friends, you know that HE knows that and specially when he is still be delusional about the TWO of you.
If you have no interest what so ever in him romantically, I would ignore the e-mail. He SHOULD be working on his relationship but it doesn't give him that "honeymoon phase" flutters so he is hoping he an go back to wooing you. It is EASIER to "pretend" all is well with the fiance and still reach out to you.
Honestly though.. I think a guy who is ENGAGED and hitting on a female friend is as low as it goes. If he was truly serious about those feeling he would have broken up with the fiance and spend some serious time soul searching.
I'd stay far far away from this one.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2012): Has he broken up with her yet? any guy who would say "I love you and I want to spend my life with you. Say the word and I'll leave her" has no business even being in a relationship with that woman let alone being ENGAGED to her if he's saying he will leave so easily.
I mean, if all it took was a word from you, and he would leave her, then he has no business being engaged to her in the first place whether or not you were interested in him. He was blatantly keeping her around as a consolation prize for his own comfort, which is a pretty insulting way to treat someone. If he's still with her, then sending you this latest email is just as appalling.
Anyway, I think you should just email him back a one-line message (no more than one line). Just tell him that (a) you are not romantically interested in him and never was, and (b) it's inappropriate for him to be sending you these emails if he's still in a relationship with her and therefore this will be the last time you respond to him.
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A
male
reader, Uncle PJ  +, writes (11 December 2012):
 I'd suggest that your friend and his fiancee may have had a falling out, which has led to this email coming out of the blue. But as I said, I obviously have no idea so can't pass any real valid judgement.I would definitely say you are right in that you shouldn't email him back. He seems a little disillusioned with the fact that because he has 'feelings' for you it means you'll one day be together.It's not uncommon for some guys to think this and they are the sort that will cling onto any bait you throw them. If you email him back, even to tell him you're not interested, he'll think that there must be something there because you have contacted him again.I know it must be hard to lose a friend but he set rules, so there's no point changing them now just because it suits him for whatever reason. I hope this helps and wish you all the luck.
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