A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, basically...I am feeling like I have to choose between my boyfriend of a year and my family. I have always been reallyyyy close to my family - my parents and my 3 siblings. My siblings know me as I am but I suppose I've always hidden a lot about me to my parents. They are very conservative and christian and I always hid the party side of myself from them. (Hey, I was a college student, it's not wrong to party.) Also, I live about a little over an hour from my parents and 2-4 hours from the rest of them. Before my boyfriend I was travelling to see family anywhere from 1 to all weekends out of the month, whether it be a day trip or a whole weekend trip. Moreover.. I've always been the baby of my family and my parents always butted too much into my business.My boyfriend pointed out, and I agree, that I missed out on something every kid goes through - to break away from your parents and show you are old enough to take care of yourself. He has spent much time and effort with me helping me to do so throughout the relationship. I've told my parents I was doing things they didn't approve of - like moving in with him - and I've gotten into a feud with my mom which ended with her agreeing not to make me feel obligated to do things. I've cut myself off financially, etc.After all this time, I feel as though I have completely cut myself off from my home life. And when I do go home now, I don't feel the same. I feel like I'm making up for lost time and not just enjoying it like it's just what I decided to do that weekend - if that makes sense. I don't see any of my home friends except for one - who I saw about 3 times in the past 1-2 months but before that I rarely saw her for a much longer period of time, and I think it's going to be a while before I see her again now. I haven't seen extended family in a while and I used to be very close to my mom's side and see them semi-often.Anyways, what triggered me to come on here and write this is that my brother asked about plans a few days after Thanksgiving. He and my other siblings are planning to go somewhere and he asked if I wanted to come too, but I have to let him know by this Saturday or he's giving the ticket to a friend. My boyfriend is upset that they didn't even mention him going, like "I have an extra ticket, if you want to buy another you and ****** should come along." I understand why it hurts him, but I MISS MY SIBLINGS. So much. I saw one 2 weekends ago but the others it's been months! He says though that I will see them on Thanksgiving and that should be enough. But I am only going to see them for half the day on Thanksgiving because then we are going to his family's. He says, aside from the fact that it was rude he wasn't invited because his family invites me to everything, that he wants to spend Thanksgiving weekend with me. I feel though that I spend all of my time with him. He furthermore says that even if he was invited that he wouldn't want to do so much travelling.His family is wonderful, and I'm very close to his mom. We live close to them and see them a few times a week when we go there to do laundry. What bothers me is he only sees his family for birthdays or holidays, or when he needs something. They are fine with that...in fact I think his parents encouraged them all to be more independent, which is fine. But I am close to my family and I am really sad to feel as though I am losing them. He says I won't stay close with my siblings forever and it's unrealistic to think that I will.Is it wrong of me to want to go to that thing after Thanksgiving even though he wasn't invited? And is my family too close? Should I continue to grow apart from them - is he right? I mean, his family does love me and include me with everything. My family doesn't ask much about him or invite him much to anything. With them it seems -if he shows up, ok, but it would be cool if he didn't.-
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reader, digitalent  +, writes (3 November 2010):
Messed up? Messed up is how he is trying to control you like a puppet. It seems to me that he has no idea what family is all about considering his apparent lack of affinity with his own. Man this guy is starting to piss me off! Lets see the situation:1. You would be going to have fun with your brothers and sisters because you haven't seen them in a long while. YES2. He isn't invited, if he was he wouldn't have gone. YES3. He is your boyfriend, not your husband. YES4. Does he have any valid reason to stop you from going? NO5. So he doesn't really trust you. YES6. Should you go? YES7. Should he stop you? NO6. Would it be a sad day for him if he ever comes across me? YES ( LOL )Anyway, one piece of advice for the future which probably no one but me will ever give you but I'm telling you, it works. I kind of see where he is coming from stopping you because he doesn't want other drunk guys around you (btw your family will be with you so his point is invalid and lacks any cogency whatsoever). The next time you plan anything like this with your family, don't tell him the whole story. Just tell him that you're going to have a little get together with your siblings and relive old memories and stuff. He'll happily let you go if he's not a BEEP BEEP. Now go and do whatever you want to do with your siblings, parties and stuff, football matches etc. If he somehow finds out you were at this party and demands an explanation, you put your innocent girl pants on and tell him that it was a spur of the moment decision by your siblings and you didn't want to go but all your siblings dragged you there. Then bat your eye lashes and ask him "Did I do something wrong?" LOL. He wouldn't be able to say a thing after that. Although I don't think things will ever go this far, he'll probably never find out. Its foolproof method! :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain, thank you, including you digitalent (I didn't see your response until now).
I'm starting to slip into a depression because I feel like my life is so limited these days. Part of the family issues are my own fault...my mom says I could call more often but I prefer to visit, I'm not much of a phone talker.
But - I want to add...this isn't what I would call a family "function." It's just 3 siblings (and hopefully myself, if not then one of their friends) tailgating at a football game. My boyfriend says it's messed up that I would go get wasted without him and around other drunk guys that will likely be tailgating nearby. I want us to trust each other doing things like this without the other. Is that wrong?
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 November 2010):
 If he's any kind of boyfriend he wouldn't make you choose. So I would woman up and till him family is very important to you, you want to rekindle what you have seem to have lost over the years..you will always be the baby of your family. I would tell him to back off, again you are a smart, independent woman, who can make her own decisions. He really has no say in it. Stand up to him!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much the advice, it helps and I appreciate it. After all of this, I'm beginning to wonder why I began this "emancipation" to begin with. I wanted to stop being the baby and not have my parents try to control me anymore, and now I almost wish I could be the baby again! Because being controlled by them wasn't as constricting as my boyfriend is. When I turned 21 they at least understood I was going to go out and have fun sometimes whether they liked it or not.
He is controlling, he just doesn't understand no matter how hard I try and despite all his negatives, he has so many positives. He would take a bullet for me, spend all the money in the world on me. He cooks me dinner nightly, gives me massages almost nightly, and takes interest in my hobbies (probably more than I do his). He loves me more than I could ever expect someone to, and I don't want to give that up. But I don't want to give my family up. But if I give him up now, I have a feeling it will be a long, long time before I bounce back. Ugh, I just don't know. But, like my best friend has said, I always make the right decision in the end.
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A
male
reader, digitalent +, writes (2 November 2010):
Your boyfriend is in the wrong here. Its ok to be disappointed that your family did not invite him but he shouldn't complain about it like this to you. He should keep in mind that he is your boyfriend, not your husband that your family will also definitely invite him to their gathering. If its a family gathering then its a family gathering, outsiders are not invited. Simple as that. It doesn't matter if his family invites you a 100 times over or not. His family can do whatever they want to do but every family dynamic is different. He has to learn to respect that. He wouldn't have gone even if was invited? Well good for him cuz he was not invited. The blame went to your family instead of him. So now why is he disappointed? If he so desperately wants to be invited to your family functions then he's gotta man up and give you a ring. Make a solid effort to be a part of your family instead of being a freeloader.
If you're missing your family then you really should go regardless of what your boyfriend thinks. Bond with the family is something sacred and should not be allowed to fade away. My mom used to take all us siblings when we were little to see her mother who lived miles away from our home almost every single weekend for years until her mother died and my father never complained even though they were married. Now that I think about it, he couldn't have been too happy with this situation but he never even once let it show. Instead he used to tag along once or twice in a year to show support. Your boyfriend needs to build some character like this and stay in his limits. You already spend all your time with him. He cant tell you what to do and what not to do, especially with regards to your family. Its your decision to make, not his. Maybe you'll not stay as close to your family over time who knows, but whatever happens, it should happen naturally, not because your boyfriend thinks it would happen so you start staying away from them to fulfill his prophecies! He likes to stay away from his family, fine. His choice. You're not objecting. You like to stay close to your family, your choice. None of his business.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 November 2010):
I'll say this "Boyfriends come and go but your family will always be there." I have tested this saying many of times.
So you're not as religious and conservative as you parents, that's ok. They really don't think much of your boyfriend, seeing as he influences you quite a bit. I agree. Yeah, there comes that time in your life where you move out of the nest and get your feet wet in the real world, trying to make it on your own. But that doesn't mean cutting your parents out of your life, or might I add only seeing them when it benefits you which your boyfriend does.
I don't agree with your boyfriend trying to tell you when you should spend time with your family, that's being controlling. If you want to see your siblings then go! Remind your boyfriend that this is a family event that you are going to attend, you appreciate his input but you're a grown woman who can make her own decisions. Plus, you will spend half the day with him on Thanksgiving there's no need to be up his rear 24-7. It's complete BS that he says you won't be close with your siblings forever, he obviously has different views about family than you do. Family is important, they have been there for you since day one..they've shaped you into in the woman you are today.
If it came down to it, pick your family..you don't see enough of them.
Also, you have one controlling boyfriend.
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