A
female
age
,
*oy780
writes:I've been married 32 yrs to a totally aloof man whocan't communicate and has no joy or smile on his face.When I've tried to communicate,he always becomes defensive and says I'm attacking him. He's never hada normal relationship with me,his 2 sons,even his parents as he says he was totally abandoned by them and they never communicated with him. I've kept this family together all these years,constantly making excuses for his total unconcern and apathy all these years.He's able to work to support us financially,yetwhen he comes homes,watching Tv for several hours while behaving like a zombie is his usual routineever since I met him. To do anything pertaining tous or his parents he has to be "told" like a child that we and they need him to relate to. His mother diedof cancer in 94,they live 2 blocks away and he never once went over to be with her. His brother died ofalcoholism in 85,a major artery to his heart exploded and to this day his father refused to admit he was evenan alcoholic.I know he was raised with daily drinkersbut why should me and our children have to be constantlyignored while he remains remote ,immature and says I'vegot all the problems. He never answers a question witha direct answer and has become violent several times,first mainly by smashing chairs,floor lamps, and then a few times his violence has become directed at me since 96.In 2002 he pushed me agaisnt the wall and an inch away from my face said he was going to kill me. He then proceded to start throwing all my clothes out the window. Since those times,me and my sons havelived in constant fear of him. He also financiallyabuses me,by only giving me a certain amount to pay the bills every month. I finally figured out that hehas schzoid personality disorder,but of course he would never ever get help for that,because everyone else has all the problems. His Dad's had alzheimers and I've been the only one getting help for his Dad and showing concern. How do I get out of this marriage when I haven't a dime and still want to take care of ouryoungest and his father. Do I have a legal case to end this marriage? Please advise!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): I was about to suggest, he sounds schizoid. He's always been like this. He can't help it. He's emotionally cut off by default. I was schizoid when I was younger so I recognized it. The death of someone close to me helped me snap out of it though, as opposed to your husband.
I can't tell you how to go about this, because he does have a personality disorder. He could try therapy, but as I know there is no "cure" for this. The fact that he got married and actually had sex at some point is unique for people with this personality disorder in the first place.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): Legitimate reason you mean? Legal I am sure only requires you file for divorce and he signs the papers.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (9 December 2009):
Well that's great news about the art. Maybe this is the moment in your life when you can start over a fresh with a dream and new outlook :). All the best.
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A
female
reader, joy780 +, writes (9 December 2009):
joy780 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the well wishers & your caring concern.I'm really taking to heart what you've said.
I'm an artist, & just recently have a avenue for showing
my paintings. In the meantime,in January I'm attending a
3 week career exploration course. I think the idea of
planning "an escape" over a few months is feasible. The
reason I need a job is to get my own place. My youngest
is 16-I don't really want to leave him here.He & I are very close.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (9 December 2009):
It would help if you could say how old your children are and if you are currently working or not. Because this type of thing needs to be planned; you have been living in this hell for 30 years so taking 3 to 6 months to plan your exit should be possible. The age of your children can determine if you can discuss with them or not. Eg. If they are in their late 20s/early 30s you can talk to them to tell them your intentions. Secondly, you need to figure out how to support yourself. In a divorce, he will have to pay you alimony but you do not want to completely rely on him financially. So figure out what you can do for yourself so that your transition is left traumatic. As for his father, you can really only get him care in a home or something, if its that important to you, try sort this out before you leave your husband. My advice is write down a plan of the list of things you need to do to leave. Then each week, do something big each week as a step towards your escape. Since his abuse is not something that happens regularly, its not urgent for you to leave today without an real action plan. Maybe you could even arrange to move in with your father in law then when he goes into care you have a house to live in? The best is to get a lawyer so you can find a way to stay in your house unless you have the means to start paying rent somewhere at your age.. Think it through- good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): Hi There, you certainly have every right to end your marriage as your husband's behaviour is totally unreasonable. If your husband works and you own your own home i can only go by what happens in England but you are entitled to half of what your husband has if you go through with the divorce. But prior to that why not try and take some legal advice, we have citizens advice here, maybe you have something the same or similar.
I have to say that from what you have put i do have some sympathy for your husband. He sounds like his upbringning and the events that have happened have affected him, possibly he is depressed. Im not condoning him though but he clearly has problems which he is unwilling to look at. Sadly because he wont address his problems it has led to you wanting out of your marriage. But for your own happiness if he wont change and you have finally come to that realisation then you deserve every chance to be happy in your life. I wish you all the best of luck for the future and please find someone who can give you the best advice on how to leave this marriage in a way that will best help you in the future.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 December 2009):
Oh yes, you have a legal case all right. You do need to end it for your sake and your sons, no doubt who have had to endure some of this. Yes, you have a case. The violence is wrong entirely, and I'm sure if you go to a lawyer with all your issues about him, you can divorce him.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (9 December 2009):
Violence is always a reason to end a marriage. You are in Canada and I am pretty sure they take a dim view of violence around women and children.
Get out of there and start divorce proceedings.
Why on earth have you waited this long!?
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): You live in Canada (I love this country!). Therefore, you do not need a legal case to end a marriage. You only need to see a lawyer. Do it!
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