A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My question is child related. My stepson who lives with me and his dad for 3 years now .He came to me at age 8/9 is now 11/12 .Now I wonder if I expect to much of him ..I ask him to put his washed dried and ironed clothes away but most times he chucks them on his sofa in his room and then sprawls all over them ..He washes pots but misses bits ...He goes in to a room and forgets what for,then asks me ..He forgets when he has things on .. ie what day football is , although it's the same day every week ..He forgets pass words even tho he made them up I know all kids are different but my friends children are not like this .It's ok until school holidays but then its relentless... I could cry .. I feel by now we should be able to hold a conversation.. we get on well but it's hard work .. Do I expect to much of him at 11yrs old .? ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (17 June 2021):
 I think having him diagnosed might be a good idea, but I would talk to his dad first. It does sound like ADHD
I'm in my 50's and there are times I can have long great conversations and other times I just space out. Preoccupied with other things. Or just not in the mood to have a long or meaningful chat. BUT out of love or politeness, I still try.
He is only 11.
Also, IF you are the one who is "in charge" of various activities maybe he is the kind of kid that just relies on being told what to do and when.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2021): "I know all kids are different but my friends children are not like this."
Yeah, they act immature in their own special way that your friends are not telling you about.
Other people have gave good advice. I just wanted to point out that your friends are not telling you everything about their children's behavior.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2021): His father has noticed and extra family ..
I am 100% his parent albeit not biological.. it just worries me .. dad is a brush it under the carpet person.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2021): Hi , the passwords are school password since hes been at home schooling they are written down but he will still end up typing in the wrong one . he has no passwords to lock devices ..We actually have a great relationship he is very open with me and we chat about lots of things my stress comes from wanting the best for him .. we have a good relationship we spend time together doing things .. I sit and do home work build projects bike rides etc he goes to football once a week and also another mixed sports club . When parents are asked to support I go along ..my biggest concern is it's hard work having a conversation with him as he gets so muddled up and has to go back to the start time over time , school have noticed this too .when i say my friends children are different i mean they can hold a conversation with other people ,I am a parent to a severely disabled child of my own who is 14yrs so I have been a parent with challenges.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 June 2021):
WiseOwlE
When OP said Football, she meant Soccer :) She is British. Less chance of head injuries. Just figured I'd clear that up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2021): Corrections and clarification of comments:
"No matter what you add to add more credibility to your post, or say in retaliation of my opinion; he's only a child!"
*** I did not mean you don't have a right to rebuttal; or to add more details. I meant adding negative information about the boy. That wouldn't add any more creditability; without coming across like you simply don't like him. Seems he rubs you the wrong-way!
"At least you know whom (meaning the kid) you're dealing with; when they're (meaning the parent/s) straight-out mean!"
P.S.
If he plays football, you should also check for any history of head-injury; such as tackling-injuries, or mild concussion. Reacting in utter frustration is neither a kind or mature way to deal with children. Your exasperation with his precociousness will be interpreted as disappointed and dislike for his imperfections.
His father will take notice of any irregularities in the relationship between you and his son; and the boy will eventually tell his father (or mother, mother, or a grandparent) how he feels about you. Even if he won't tell you! You can toss-in his coach, his buddies, and the parents of his team-mates. Crying won't help a thing. You're not a single-mother, you have a live-in father for the child. You're not expected to just know what to do; if you've never been a mother. If you simply don't like that particular boy; and you wish he didn't have to live with you...well, that's a whole different ballgame!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2021): My word! He's an eleven year-old kid, madam!!! Kids get excitable, mischievous, messy, and precocious! That's what we call childhood! That's what makes them kids! As an adult, it does not help when you're showing how exasperated and resentful you are against a child for not being perfect like the little angels you're actually related to. Kids put on their best behavior when company is around; but revert to being just themselves the minute the guests exit the door! Their little wings shrivel and their halos fall to the floor, and they become kids again!
I hope your husband picks-up on this poor attitude of yours; and it doesn't become abusive or discouraging towards the child. It is more than obvious he's not your biological-child; and you've grown no attachment to him over the course of three years. It seems more the case you're resentful that he's even living there. Had you indicated the child has special needs I could be more sympathetic. Even then, that would be to a very slight degree; based strictly on the contents of your post. All I see is that you're implying there must be something wrong with "him." Maybe...maybe not!!!
Children are more perceptive and intuitive than you might think. They know when they're not liked! He was old enough to tell from the day he moved-in!
I'd like to be a fly on the wall, and observe your behavior and emotional-reactions around him; and listen to how you verbally-interact with him. Children pickup on these cues. Children clam-up around people they're intimated by, or simply don't like! Maybe he doesn't like you, and that makes you like him even less! The difference being, he's only a child; and you know better!
I didn't overlook the fact you're approaching 40, and may not have kids of your own. When we're not used to living with children; we'll show less patience or tolerance. They'll get on your nerves! They don't go home at the end of the visit, if they live there! Motherhood may have been sprung/forced upon you unexpectedly; or he left you little, or no choice about it! That could harbor resentment. You're not merely his babysitter, you're his stepmother. More is expected of you, than it is of a child!
He's not necessarily psychotically-underdeveloped, emotionally-disturbed, or mentally-deficient for keeping a messy room. Leaving a crumb of scrambled-eggs on the skillet merely means he missed a spot...or he just doesn't like doing the dishes! Be that the case, we better roundup two-thirds of the tweens and teens in your country; and ship them all off to those utopian sci-fi mind-reprogramming and behavior-modification camps! Most of them have messy rooms, hate doing dishes, and won't speak to their parents! They won't leave your house spotless and orderly. Ready for center-page in Good Housekeeping Magazine. They see through phony-niceness too! At least you know whom you're dealing with; when they're straight-out mean! When you marry into a ready-made family, the children come with the package! Deal with it!
A responsible-adult does not openly compare children against each-other. You suppress such thoughts. They're all individuals; and each have their own distinct and unique gifts, and personalities. They have their own specific disciplinary-problems that require well-thought solutions and guidance. That's why parents raise children, and not the other way around!
He's not a good-housekeeper, and he's forgetful. If you can always remember your passwords, even as an adult, more power to you! I could think of much worse juvenile-behavior, like destructiveness and unruliness! Being a bully, mean, and disrespectful. Had all that been your complaint; then it would have given your unkind and insensitive post some legitimacy. Don't right another post to reiterate, you've said what you really think right here. No matter what you add to add more credibility to your post, or say to retaliation of my opinion; he's only a child!
This kind of mindset in adults creates resentment and fights amount the children in the family, and their peers; when adults hold-up other children in comparison, or as their example of what is more of what they'd consider a "good kid!" If he has disciplinary-problems, or won't follow your orders; then speak to his father to seek his support and co-parenting. Are you afraid he'll see it my way? I note not a single word mentioned regarding his father's opinion on this issue. I wonder why???
He may be a child of a divorce; and maybe he has some issues and challenges to overcome. The minds of children may not handle complex issues like blended-families, or step-families, as easily as you might wish. You're not his mother, but you can blur the lines; and make him appreciate you like a 2nd-mother. His love shouldn't be challenged or conditioned upon what you consider as acceptable behavior compared to the angels found in your family. Your insensitivity is showing!
Have a family-conference, and workout the petty details. Most of all, show the child you love him; and you're willing to guide and help him. Refresh his memory as often as you can, and keep passwords written-down and securely hidden where he can find them. Show patience, in spite of his flaws and imperfections. Not just find fault and criticize. Your own neurosis shouldn't reflect onto the personality or behavior of a child! I didn't see any behavior described that would bring any regular mother to tears; unless she has her own unresolved-issues to be dealt with. Children are supposed to drive you nuts, and you're supposed to create order from their chaos. Thus, the challenges of parenthood!
I understand when it comes to discipline and teaching children to be thoughtful and diligent about their chores. You make them go back and complete (or repeat) the task until it is done right; but you show kindness in the process. Demonstrate what you want and expect of them. Allow for mistakes. Like God allows for ours as adults!
"It's ok until school holidays but then its relentless... I could cry .. I feel by now we should be able to hold a conversation."
I can't tell how much of this is your bias and resentment towards the child, and what could actually be something wrong? The unkind and critical way you're describing it doesn't seem to come from a place of love and concern. There's no motherly-sentiment in it in the least.
I'm not going to jump to the conclusion there's anything wrong with the child; because I consider every word of your post biased and insensitive. If you don't like somebody, it takes nothing to build a case against them to justify your own bad-behavior or prejudices. There's the fact you don't indicate that you have addressed this with his father; which leads me to speculate that his father hasn't noticed anything wrong with the boy. That suggests to me to take your post with a grain of salt.
You don't get to return defective-children back to wherever they come from. You learn to help them to overcome their deficiencies and disabilities, and love will help you through it. Nobody says it will be easy!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2021): As others have said... it could be something causing this "scattered mindedness". (there's a great book on that subject by Gabor Maté)
You need to organize him better, help him LEARN how to focus.
Some kids have major issues with it. It can be learned.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (14 June 2021):
 There are enough signs here to make me wonder if there is a learning disability. ADHD, dyscalculia, Mild autism, it's impossible for a non professional to diagnose and certainly not over the internet. Some of the things that bother you are just maturity.
A best course of action for you would be for you and his father to talk with his school counselor. They can point you to a professional that can make a diagnosis and help you find ways to work around.
The good news is that this is very common and there is almost always a workaround. The more you know, the sooner you know, the better the outcome for the child.
My Daughter did not figure out her learning disability until she was a year into college. It was much harder for her to change her patterns then.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 June 2021):
Yeah, he is 11.
(NOT THAT I CAN DIAGNOSE HIM)
BUT... He might be a little on the ADHD side. Why do I say that? Because it's a common thing with kids with a very short attention span (especially if it's things they are not into) to forget or lose interest. (and no I'm not suggesting getting him on drugs either) But ADHD seems possible which means, CUT sugar and sugary drinks asap. you might want to consider getting him diagnosed, if nothing else you (and he will know what's up) and you all can then look into strategies that work more effectively with an ADHD kid.
I have a 17-year-old who I can say, hey can you start a load of towels and grab XYZ from the basement, she will say yes and then promptly forgot one of the two. She is a straight-A student, can memorize complex music (she plays), and things we talked about 3 weeks ago... so there is nothing "wrong" with her memories per se, but... sometimes it's in one ear out the other.
So we now have a whiteboard by the fridge with stuff that needs to be done, they all know to check it and check stuff off when done. It works.
I think you need to talk to your husband and have him step up with things too. Like going WITH his son to WATCH him hang his clothes up. If you took the time and care to wash and iron it... it needs to be treated with respect and hung up. If he just tosses it on the couch when YOU tell him to do it, have his dad supervise him until it becomes routine. If his dad isn't there, I would suggest you "help" him put them away - He will quickly figure out that you will be in his space and in his room unless it gets done. OR.... you can tell him that you will no longer wash and iron unless he hands it up. That YOU actually spend time and effort washing and ironing and the LEAST he can do it hang it up. Talk to his dad.
Routines help.
As for the washing pots, yes they don't see pots like an adult who cooks does. It might look sorta clean, good enough think an 11-year-old. I'd just tell him to wash it again and remove the bits leftover.
"I know all kids are different but my friends' children are not like this ."
Really? NONE of them? Ever? I think your friends are not being totally truthful. Or they don't pay attention.
An 11-year-old kid can be rather scatterbrained. If this kid also has two homes and goes from one to the other... it's not that strange.
If he can't hold a conversation, it's because he doesn't want to.
I don't think you expect too much of him. I think you (and your husband) need to find new ways to do things.
This is an organizational issue. You (and your husband) have to help him come up with really simple habits that will carry him through life. Like IMMEDIATELY hang up ironed clothes. It goes from basket to closet ASAP.
Maybe buy a BIG calendar (or planner) for his room and have HIM write down events on it a month ahead. Like football every Thursday (or whatever day).
Lists, repetition, routines, and habits are also helpful ways of managing forgetfulness. The idea is to have muscle memory take over - it becomes HABIT.
Reward positive behavior.
Smart but Scattered: The Revolutionary "Executive Skills" Approach to Helping Kids Reach Their Potential by Peg Dawson might be a good book to read.
Hope that helps
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2021): The clothes not put away should be fixed. At 11 he can handle that.He can also handle rewashing the dishes of there is still food on them.The password problem you fix by keeping a notebook by the computer so he can write the passwords down.You should have all of his passwords as his parent anyway.If the memory thing is real bad get him tested for ahad.Also a physical with a doctor might not be a bad idea.Do you punish him if he does not put his clothes away or do the dishes correctly?You should.Take away something that means something to him for a week or so....phone video games...freedom etc.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2021): Yes.You do.Your stepson sound like he is a vero normal,average 11 y.o. kid .Grande not all kids are the same and it is quite possibile that some of his friends are more focused, more "with it ",more diligent with their tasks.But at just 11 /12 ...he is only a child and an unexceptional one too. The truth is that preteen boys (and teenagers too) ARE hard work, and it takes a lot of patience,persistence and understanding to teach them doing things in a certain way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2021): Oh dear. I feel your pain.
Unfortunately that's boys for you. I have a 16 yr old who has been exactly the same for as long as I can remember.
I think in some parts you may be expecting a bit much, such as putting his clothes away. There's no way he is going to put them away nicely as he just doesn't care about that stuff right now.
Washing the pots - that's going to take some patience too.
Does he play video games? If so, how often and for how long? I know my own son is far worse after this. The minute I threaten to take them away he suddenly starts 'remembering' things...just a thought for you.
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