A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:how do i handle a relationship when something goes wrong? (it's major, he has been dishonest with me, hiding something from me for a while). i'm not writing the details because it would be too much.i was devastated, and i'm trying to figure out what to do with this relationship, i'm not ready to talk to him yet.my question is about communication, should i communicate with him and tell him i'm not ready to talk, or should i not communicate with him until i am ready to talk?or, do i need to not communicate with him and wait for him to get remorseful and realize the full extent of what he's done or why i'm mad at him, and wait until he contacts me with something of more substance? or, do i need to talk to him and tell him that he doesn't seem to be sorry enough or isn't seeming to understand why i'm mad/hurt? he didn't seem very remorseful on the phone, he said "sorry" but didn't seem to mean it. he called 4 times last night, but i didn't answer (3 of the times i was asleep). in his voicemail he said he knows why i wasn't answering - because of what he did, but he doesn't seem to understand that i'm mad/hurt because he was dishonest for so long. this is a long-distance relationship, and we talk by phone.i want to handle this in a healthy, respectful manner, so i know how to handle situations like this in the future. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiongreat advice, thank you : )
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (17 January 2010):
 The best thing to do is find your head in the right spot and get things straight in your mind.
Tell him briefly that you need some time and to let you have some time to be left alone by him.
Obviously whatever it is he did was enough to put you over the edge.
I hate to say this but LDR's are very rough on people and it takes an iron will to keep those relationships going.
As far as what to do, as far as him feeling remorse, no one can say because we don't know what he did that hurt you so badly.
Typically if he's really hurting over what he did to you, that is feeling guilty and ashamed, then obviously he's going to show remorse and more importantly you two will have to eventually sit down together, in person, and work on healing the relationship.
On an LDR basis though, its very hard to gauge what his "sorry" really means. He's not looking you in the eye and so he could be saying it to say it, or he could be thinking he really messed up.
Take a break and figure out what it is you expect out of this, and tell him that after your break is over.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 January 2010):
Tell him you will contact him when you are ready to talk. That way he understands that when you're ready, you will make the move. Then sit down and think carefully about whether you want this to continue, or whether you'd prefer to end it. Bear in mind that often, once an LDR has suffered something like this, it's pretty much over. Think very carefully.
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