A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunties and Uncles,Newbie so please be kind!Really disillusioned with married life. I've been married for almost three years and the man I met no longer exists. He has become stuck in his ways, a bit controlling, bad tempered and I feel governed by his moods and behaviour. We have been together over 8 years in total. There is an age gap but also there is a growing difference on lifestyle, approach and appetite to share experiences together. He simply does not want to know! It's draining and a feel low.Really not sure how to bridge this, or whether I can be bothered to. When do you decide to walk away?Thanks for reading'/ your timeX Reply to this Question
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male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (16 August 2012):
 I'd like to add that some decisions are extremely hard, and I understand. My long life (age 64) has been full of hard decisions - lot's of lovers, three wives and many disappointments. But as stated, happiness must be your primary concern. If you were to leave, there would be a lot of loneliness for awhile. I've been there.
You'll want to go back. It's tough. Eventually, someone else will come along. We cannot claim that you should abandon your situation, but based on your posting, you are unhappy, and that's not good.
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (16 August 2012):
Mention of that movie, "The Bucket List," was actually intended for a different posting. I don't know how it ended up here, and it really had nothing to do with your inquiry, but indeed, you might like it. Somewhat sad at the end, however.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much, you have definitely provided some food for thought.
Aunt Honesty: we talk so much but not about things of consequence, the things that matter. When we do it becomes the blame game and inevitably nothing good comes out of that cycle.
As for change, nope he is morphing into his dad and I don't mean it in a good way! However I do agree with you, I have also changed. The past few years have been a roller coaster regarding family, health, employment and, well, growing up. I'm a different person and feel better for it. He may have a contrary view.
The sticking points I mention, have funnily enough, been consistent however. He is just becoming unpleasant with it and he won't do counselling!
Double M: thank you, it's just hard to make that definitive decision - I do love him but definitely don't like him. Ironically the film you mentioned my husband adores! I must watch it.
Ineedhelp: thank you, I guess so.....again being so flat makes it hard to make that decision. Also old fashioned in that, although marriage for life is the ideal, I didn't think that we would be where we are now. I wanted and committed to the commitment.
A female reader: some really clear points, thank you. I don't like the 'throwaway' approach to commitment tha some have but this is painful. Someone said to me once 'there is nothing worse then being lonely in your marriage.' I agree. Luckily there are no children, we are tenants and I am financially independent so there are very few ties in that regard.
Karlos: Thank you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): The longer you ponder when the right time to walk away is, the more time you're wasting being unhappy in this situation.
If he wants to be unhappy all his life that's his choice, but you don't have to be.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (16 August 2012):
To the anonymous reader, "The Bucket List" is a very good movie starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, about what somebody might want to do before they "kick the bucket" (die). It's an age-old term, however.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): "When do you decide to walk away?"
I think that if you honestly do not want to continue living like this, then you walk away. I mean, you can't count on him to change and be better in the future, you can't predict the future. You have to assume that the future will be just like now. So if you can see yourself living like this for the rest of your life and think you can be happy with it then sure by all means stay. but if you can't see that, then it's time to leave.
you do not owe him your continued marriage just because you are married right now. If he does not want to share his life with you and treat you well, then you do not owe him the rest of your life.
I get really irked when people advise couples in bad marriages to stay and keep trying. Why? because a marriage "should" be kept together for some ideal regardless of how it actually is in daily life? don't let anyone tell you that.
If you cannot find a BENEFICIAL reason to stay in your marriage, now, assuming that it's going to be just like this forever, then there's no reason to stay any longer.
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A
male
reader, Ineedhep  +, writes (16 August 2012):
8 years is a long time
But I would say you have already made your mind up on this matter
There is no point in staying where you don't want to be
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (16 August 2012):
Eight years is a long time, but not a lifetime. Your lifetime, the only one you have on earth, is the important issue. It should be as happy as possible. You decide to walk away from unhappiness as is necessary.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 August 2012):
 I think once you have tried everything and worked hard and it still does not fix things then you have no choice but to walk away so you can lead a happier life.
It is obvious you are unhappy in the marriage at the moment, but have you actually sat down with your husband and explained to him how unhappy you are. You need to communicate with him openly. Tell him everything that you feel has changed about him. Tell him how it makes you feel and ask him to work on it. There may be things that he feels has changed about you as well so talk about things and try and come to an agreement.
Maybe marriage counselling would help if you are both willing to give it a go. It would be worth it if it saves your marriage, as 8 years together is a long time therefore it is obvious there must be love there. I know love sometimes might not be enough but it is worth trying to fix things. If he thinks everything is okay and is unwilling to change then yes the best thing for you to do is to tell him that it is over and make a fresh start for yourself.
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