A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for almost 2 1/2 years and things have gone relatively well. We have a baby boy that just turned one. I dated another gentlemen before I got married for 3 years and it didn't work out. However I have thought about him every day since I've been married. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because he's on my mind so much and I dream about him. I love my husband he has done nothing wrong, but I still think I'm in love with the guy I used to date. I am happy, but not truly happy. This other guy made me truly happy and I believe he can make me truly happy. What should I do? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): i'm sorry 2 read about ur unhappiness in ur marriage. BUT u have a baby & a husband. FOCUS & work on ur marriage, yes it may be tough but u took wedding vows. the early years & a baby can be tough but it'll b worth it. communicate & commit to ur husband & child, counselling is also an option - how does he feel? how would ur child feel growing up divorced? only pursue this other guy IF all else fails with your marriage and finally things didn't work out with ur other guy for a reason, why do u think it will change.
A
male
reader, Cowboy  +, writes (24 October 2008):
Sorry Fade, I disagree.
While you are correct in that we choose how to react to our feelings, the initial 'spark' is entirely subconscious and involuntary.
It's true that this lady is probably indulging her thoughts, which I admit I am guilty of too, but there's a reason those thoughts happen in the first place.
I'm assuming that you have never had thoughts like these about someone you shouldn't have? If you had, then I think you'd probably understand.
The person pops into your head uninvited. Either you indulge yourself and allow yourself to think about them, or you try to push them back out of your mind. The latter is only temporarily successful.
Attraction is not a rational decision.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): If you don't ever want to cheat then tell your husband the thoughts you've had and seek counseling, if you really think about this ex every day since youve been married there obviously is some unfulfillment in your marriage.
If you are unwilling to be 100% brutally honest with you hubby then look up ur ex and see what he is up to and talk to him, maybe you just need some closure... but take it from someone who has been living a double life for two years it is a hard road, yeah there are great times and sometimes the excitment outweighs the guilt but there are many dark lonely nights... its best if you can be happy with the one your with and get this other out of your head.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): I feel the same way, only i am not married i am living with my partner. I dated this guy for about a year, and i too think about it alot, the what if's .. But now i think that it just was not meant to be, or maybe it will be in the future I dont know I am confused, because I am too truly happy, but i feel there is something missing and when i feel that i automatically think about this other guy. I think we are trying to see in the other old flame, what we would like to see in our current man? i feel bad, but i guess time and patience, and faith will help you sort this out .
...............................
A
male
reader, Cowboy +, writes (24 October 2008):
I was in a similar situation until a few days ago.
I had a girlfriend, but was having these types of thoughts about another girl.
I decided that I had to end my relationship, because it wasn't fair on my girlfriend.
I don't really feel guilty because we don't get to choose how we feel, but it wasn't right to stay with my girlfriend.
It's a horrible situation in which to find yourself. I could wax lyrical about how the grass is always greener, and point out that the relationship with this guy didn't work before, but I know that it won't do any good.
I know that no matter what anyone says to you, you'll still go to bed tonight and lie awake thinking about this guy.
I'm really sorry.
...............................
A
female
reader, becks81 +, writes (23 October 2008):
 This is common so dont blame yourself you cant help feeling this way i know you may feel guilty towards your son and husband for these feelings but you have to push that aside for the time being and look rationally at the problem here for a second and try your best to put all those emotions to the side.
Its easy for an outsider to say get over it that was years ago you have a lovely husband and family now but it;s no use denying feelings you have and they are clearly distressing you a lot so its effecting your health from lack of sleep at times too right? Firstly you dont say that the ex is still in your life anymore and that's a good start having him around or in contact could make things escalate for you all.
It;s not an easy situation but you have to think even if this guy did want to make another go of it what about the family you will be leaving behind? thees no guarantee that things will be like they used to how could they your married with a child now?. You will definitely have to expect things to have changed for you both has he moved on? and the grass may not be greener.
Perhaps you long for him so much that you have become too focused on the good times not the bad you broke up right? it may also be that you have become attached to him and put him on a peddle stool. Reading things over the years you can actually become addicted to a person and you can become so into them and wanting them in your life you block everything out and compromise your happiness and also perhaps your family's.
Not saying its ever ok to stay in a relationship you're unhappy with but not sure that's the case here. Nobody should imply you don't love your ex a part of you always will.
As you don't seem to have direct contact with your ex i wouldn't suggest talking to him about this but perhaps writing your thoughts down somewhere private might help tell him how you feel but don't send it.
Good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): If he's in your head that much,it's possible that you will eventually meet, and this might make your life very very difficult, especially now, because you also love the man you have by your side, and you share a child. If you will guide your destiny towards his direction, yes you'll live a fairy tale strong period, but the consequences hurt a lot and they are inevitable in strong cases like these.
...............................
|
