A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello cupids! By the way, thankyou for taking the time to read and hopefully answer some of my questions! I will explain as best as I could. So, my boyfriend and I have known each other for 4 years and have been together for a month now. He's 23 and I'm 21. Last week we recently had intercourse for the first time. Except we never had a chance to explore each others bodies and pleasures such as masterbating and oral sex. Basically only kissing and touching above waist. Now looking back on it I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do! I'm extremely self concious about my body! And I'm not ready to let him explore me in that kind of way or even look at it. Even the times he would try I would only freak out and feel somewhat emotional. I can't relax or think its okay. I feel really bad about it because I know he loves me and wants to. Was it a bad start to have intercourse before trying to please each other in other ways?
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 July 2013):
 Relationships and sex is NOT paining by numbers. It's going with what feels right for the BOTH of you and going at a speed you are both comfortable with.
Though having sex FIRST, can be both good and bad. At least you two got that out of the way, so now you know that IS an option, now is the time to explore. It's kinda to late to play coy IMHO.
I don't really see why kissing and exploring makes you "run for the hills" but the sex didn't?
Talk to him, tell him what you are comfortable with and set a pace that works for the two of you.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (9 July 2013):
These things don’t follow a rigid formula, or sequence. There’s that old favourite of bases, did you get to base 1, 2 or whatever. IT’s ridiculous. You may have found intercourse easier to cope with than other forms of sexual pleasure such as masturbation or oral sex, that’s not a problem. You did what felt comfortable and right at the time and that wasn’t the wrong thing to do just because there are other things you’re not so comfortable with. A month in was far too early for sex but even so, had you waited longer, you would probably still have had intercourse before any of the forms of exploration you’re not comfortable with, because for you those things cause you greater anxiety. Good communication is essential here: you need to talk to him and tell him two things: firstly, what do you like and are comfortable with, and what you dislike or are uncomfortable with. Secondly, of those things that make you feel uncomfortable, what things do you want to be able to experience and what do you need from him to do that? It might be waiting, it might be support and reassurance, it might just be agreeing in advance that you may ask him to stop at any time so you don’t get overwhelmed by anxiety and he isn’t left disappointed.
It’s all about good communication. There aren’t clear orders for what should be done and when. True enough, there are general patterns: sex would probably come after kissing usually, that’s common sense. But you’ve not missed out essential steps, you have things that you’re fearful about and you need to share those feelings with him, it’ll help you both. Also talk to him about what he wants so it’s a two-way conversation.
I wish you all the very best.
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