A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm very staunchly against drinking and doing drugs. To make a long story short, I am the only sober person in my family. I'm proud of that. Alcoholism runs in my family, and I hate how people change when they get drunk. I hate how people make stupid choices when they drink, and I honestly see no good reason to drink.My boyfriend wants to drink in college and go to parties. He knows about my family and knows that I don't want him to drink, too. I only found out when I overheard him talking to his friends about it. He told me that he wouldn't touch alcohol for my sake. Apparently, he lied.So once I found out, I felt like he stabbed me in the back. I don't ask a lot of him, but because of my own life experiences, I don't want him to drink and he knows it. I feel like he doesn't respect me enough to honor that one request. I confronted him about it, and he begged me to let him drink. It was pathetic. It was the same way my brother gets when he gets cut off at a bar. I told him I have no interest in dating someone who drinks and that I was done. After he realized that I was seriously breaking up with him over it, he was all apologies and full of hurt feelings, begging me to take him back and promising not to drink. I don't believe him now. He told me that before, and obviously didn't feel it was necessary to tell me that he had changed his mind. This is something that is extremely important to me and I don't feel like he really respects that. We had a healthy two year relationship before this.So tell me, did I overreact?
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female
reader, chillibeansma +, writes (29 September 2010):
No, you did not overreact. He made an agreement to pacify you and then went back on his word either because he never intended to keep it or because he is too much of a weakling to keep a promise despite what his friends are doing. .. Do you want a liar (and/or drunk) for a boyfriend and then later a spouse? of course you dont.If you compromise on this and let him get away with it, what's next? "Do you promise never to sleep with another girl when I am out of town?" of course he would promise. Would he keep the promise? . .I don't know. You tell me.Ditch him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): Oh, and to add on to my last post- Just because it's the "only" thing you're asking doesn't mean it's small or easy or fair.
To drink or not to drink is a very personal decision. And his isn't yours. Get over it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): I, coming from a family full of abusive alcoholics, drug addicts, and smokers (I do not smoke or do drugs, but I do drink socially on very rare occasions) agree 100% with CaringGuy. I wrote a huge response, but read his and erased it. He said everything I did but in a much better manner, so yes.
I refer entirely to his post here.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): At the risk of being on the sharp end of another follow-up, I would have to answer that, as some other aunts have suggested, yes you are overreacting.
One of my close relatives became an alcoholic; she died very young as a result of this. Needless to say, it was devastating for all of us.
However, none of us- not her parents or brother or anyone else- have seen the need to ban alcohol. The way we see it is that it is not so much the alcohol but the person. Sometimes it is about addictive personalities. We all recognise what alcohol can do to people, but that is no reason to put down a complete veto. People have to make their own decisions. None of us are big drinkers- in fact I have a big project on right now so I'm not drinking until it's finished which will be at least another month- but we do enjoy a drink sometimes. When my sister graduated we had a toast; when my brother aced his exams we shared a bottle of something nice. When I got engaged Dad cracked open a bottle of good stuff. These are important social occasions and we chose to celebrate them in a fairly standard but very enjoyable way.
By imposing your feelings towards alcohol on your bf you are dictating that he cannot be fully involved in such things. You're only his gf at the end of the day. He might not want an orange juice all the time, and why should he? Not all drinking involves going out and getting completely drunk, in fact I never do that. But I still enjoy a drink, and moreover if someone tried to stop me from enjoying this I would have serious doubts about where the relationship was going.
I understand that you have personal reasons for not drinking but to impose them on your bf is not fair. You're not married or even engaged, and yet you do want to control what he does when he is not around you. You are trying to change him and stop him from doing something he enjoys when he hasn't done anything wrong or illegal.
I feel that ultimately things are probably over now anyway; you won't trust him, and he will probably build up a resentment towards you for dictating to him that he can't drink, even if you are not there. What is more you refer to him as appearing pathetic to you which suggests to me that your views on alcohol are more important to you than your bf's feelings, in that you are prepared to reduce him to such a position.
It seems your relationship was only healthy until you realised he had not been doing what you wanted him to do. That isn't really healthy in my opinion. I mean, the bottom line is, you have only been going out for two years and you want to stop him drinking. I think you need to be realistic about what you are trying to do here.
You have to deal with your life experiences and not impose them on others. If someone did that to me I think I would eventually walk. Well, that, combined with how you come across in your follow-up reply. I think you are best to find someone else who is happy to do what you say and isn't reduced to "begging" because that is a very unhealthy balance of power which is destined to go wrong one way or the other.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (23 August 2010):
 Your looking at some peoples behaviour and then demanding the whole world change for you. Your right, you don't have to be with anyone who ever touches a drop of drink, and since your willing to be alone you will have no difficulties.
You can count out dating any Christians. A lot of them drink alcohol at celebrations and special feast days. In their bible Jesus even turned water into wine, so alcohol is not forbidden to them. Even the blood that they drink at the "host" is red wine blessed and consecrated.
You can also count out going to weddings, funerals or any celebrations, people are known to open up a bottle of champagne when they are happy and want to toast their good luck.
Also please check any medicines you or any partner you have are taking. Alcohol is often used in medicines, cough syrups and stuff like that.
Your letting some bad people in your past cause you to push others away. Because of some people with problems your happy to stay alone and single for the rest of your life.
I wish you luck.. you are young, your life will be long, long and lonely if you refuse to associate with anyone who even touches a drop of alcohol..
Only place I know that you'd be safe from alcohol is in a Muslim country because it's banned under their religion.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 August 2010):
So don't budge. Dump him and live your own life. There's no use in you getting mad and insulting people here who have given you advice and saying we're sad. The advice we gave was that you open up to the idea of compromise. You've come back and suggested we're sad, and you won't budge. We could just tell you what you want to hear, and say that you're right and he's wrong. But that in itself would be the wrong thing to do.
You're asking for someone to change. Whether it's one thing or ten things, you are asking for someone to change. When you love someone and want to be with them, you can't pick and choose their habits, or their personality. They come as a whole, just as you do with your request. So, if your thing is that your partner never drinks, find a man who doesn't drink. But don't insult people who give advice. You wanted it, we gave it. We agree with you that you have the right to be with someone who has the same values as you. We get that. But you need to understand that we're not here to tell you what you want to hear. Most people drink. A few do not get the limits. Many do. Some who have given advice, such as dirtball, Maverick and myself even have experience of alcoholism, or the fact that we don't drink. We understand. But I dislike the fact that after six people have given you advice, some with their own experiences, you've come back and suggested we're sad. You're not sounding controlling, but you're sounding like you're developing unrealistic expectations that a guy should 'honour' your request just because you say so. That's not how love works, that's not how a relationship works. All relationships work on the basis of understanding, compromise, trust and love. Not on one person changing a lifestyle to suit another. You need to spend time alone working out what guy you want.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (23 August 2010):
 I see where you quoted me about compromise, but I went back and re-read what I wrote and I don't see anywhere I said you were a control freak. In fact I said: "In a relationship, you have every right to set ground rules about the things that are important to you." That was the 4th sentence I wrote because I felt it was important enough to be listed first.
You don't have to be with anyone you don't want to. You asked our opinion, but by your reply, it is obvious you just wanted us to validate you by saying you weren't overreacting. Your reply is an example of overreaction and putting words into somebody's mouth that weren't said. How much of this do you do in your relationship?
You never once mentioned HOW you've compromised OP. I don't mind taking your word on it, but we only know what you present. You presented nothing of the sort.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Relationships are about compromise. I don't see you willing to compromise at all here. "
The reason we dated for two years is because I DID compromise. The fact you think I'm a control freak simply because I have one (only one!) thing I refuse to budge on is kind of sad.
Also, I don't need to date anyone. I have my own request and if I can't find anyone willing to honor that for me, I'm fine being by myself. I don't think I'm asking for that much.
I'm tired of people not knowing their limits. I don't think he'll be an alcoholic, but then again, no one ever does. It always starts out with 'just a little bit.'
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (23 August 2010):
To get to the point: yes, I think you are overreacting.Though I certainly understand your POV, alcohol has saturated our society. Not everyone who drinks is doomed to be an alcoholic, either. Making alcohol the forbidden fruit is guaranteed to fail. Like you, I don´t drink. I just don´t like it. But wherever I go, people prod me to get a drink with them, share a coctail, etc. It just isn´t realistic to demand he never touch a glass of alcohol just because of your experiences. These are experiences he does not share and therefore he doesn´t really understand the fuss. He promised you to make you feel better and figured he could drink some, as long as he wouldn´t get noticeably affected by it. The ignorance is bliss approach. You found out and now you´re hurt and wary. I get that. But on the other hand, if he can keep it within limits (as in: prevent the effects that made you hate it in the first place) would that be such a big problem?I'm asking you because these days you'll have a really hard time finding a guy who will stop touching alcohol for you. Also, remember: alcohol isn't the root of the problem here. It's the people in your life and their choices. As long as he chooses to drink sparingly and wisely, there shouldn't be much of a problem. Also, you say it's a small thing to give up, but just because it's for you doesn't mean it applies to him. Give him another chance and set the boundaries. Don't be so extreme all-or-nothing about it. Studies have proven this approach can actually cause abusive behavior.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 August 2010):
I think it's a case of yes and no. My girlfriend doesn't drink, for the same reasons as you. She told me that. In respecting her decision, I never drink when I'm with her, of before I see her. But she has never asked me to completely give up.
Your boyfriend respected you enough to never drink around you. But he was not willing to stop. That isn't a lack of respect for you. The lying was out of a lack of respect, but he also did it because you are not willing to compromise on this. You are asking him, basically, to never drink again and totally change his lifestyle for you. That's a very big ask, especially when he goes out and will be the only one not drinking. Ever. So he gets to watch everyone else do it, relax and have fun, whilst standing there doing nothing.
You were right to stop drinking for your own sake. But you do not have the right to stop someone else. If he was coming home drunk near you, I'd say that was a lack of respect. He's not done that. He's very careful not to do that. He has shown a lot of respect for you. This is something that is now your decision. Either you can compromise, or you'll have to end it. There will be another man out there who doesn't drink. But you need to think about whether it means that much to you that your partner doesn't, because finding a man who doesn't drink at all, or who will change for your sake will be harder than anything you've done before.
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (23 August 2010):
 You made the right decision in breaking up with him. Not because he's a drunk and doing something wrong, but because apparently you are not right for each other. He clearly wants to go out, party, and get drunk. That's all well and good, but that is not something you enjoy or want to be a part of. However, you're opinion is slightly different from the norm. Again, I'm not saying you are wrong, but many people are not as strict in their opinion as yours. Therefor, it's not fair to be with somebody and making them promise not to drink when you know they do. And again, this isn't about alcoholism... that's a different topic.
Do you want your boyfriend to stop doing something he likes just to be with you? My suggestion would be to either a) break up with him and find somebody who has the same feelings towards drinking as you or b) learn to compromise. If not with this man, then with another. Like any relationship, you must learn to compromise. You want them to give up drinking, then you're going to have to give in a little as well.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): I don't think you're overreacting first off, because he was dishonest with out about it at first so it made you lose trust in him which can cause quite a bit of problems in the relationship.
If he's a drinker, there's nothing you can really do about that. I understand you are completely against it, but people can't be changed because you disagree to it. However, a compromise could be made I think if you are willing to take him back that is.
First, if you haven't already describe to him, again eventhough you've done it before, that when people drink it's something that you do not like at all and you would appreciate it if he would be truthful rather than dishonest. Second, find a compromise, like I said he won't stop unless he wants to, tell him that he can drink sparingly and he has to agree to that if not than there's nothing more you can do.
You either make a compromise, or you just don't deal with him at all and let him go as hard as that may sound. If it's something you find wrong and are completely against and it will deteriorate the relationship you have with him, even when you find a compromise if you do find one, then you might want to let him go and find someone who relates to your values better.
I dont know if this was any help, but good luck.
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female
reader, cocoqueen88 +, writes (23 August 2010):
 I don't think you've over reacted because drinking is clearly something that you dont want in your life.
it's not that he doesn't respect you... he is just a grown man and wants to be able to do what ever he wants.
I don't really think that it's anybody's fault. You both just want two different things for your lives.
But for the future... Just because a guy has a couple of drinks with friends doesn't make him an alcoholic. If this man has been treating you great for 2 years just rethink dumping him just like that. great guys are really hard to come by!!!
It's not like he got drunk and did something stupid. He just wants to do some social drinking which is completely natural for a man his age to want to do.
If you still love him try to come up with a compromise plllleeeease. Hold on to your good, stable, healthy relationship cuz the dating scene out here sucks!!!
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reader, dirtball +, writes (23 August 2010):
Did you overreact? Yes and no.
I'll start with why I think you didn't. In a relationship, you have every right to set ground rules about the things that are important to you. Being that you've seen alcohol have very negative effects on your family, it is not surprising that you feel the way you do. Both of my parents were like you. They watched alcohol destroy many of their family members. They very rarely drink. In fact, I think that I only ever remember them getting drunk once a piece for the first 20 years of my life. My mom at her going away party from work, and my Dad one year out at deer camp. So what did I do? When I got to college I went crazy, drinking 5 nights a week and partying my ass off. Guess what. I rarely drink anymore. I got it out of my system. That brings me to why I think you may be overreacting.
I think you may be overreacting because you don't know how he will handle it. He may realize that these parties aren't all that great and decide that it is something that he isn't interested in as much as he thought. Since he doesn't have the experiences you have, his abstaining isn't his choice, it's yours. In order for someone to really embrace a decision, they have to want to for themselves for their own reasons. He doesn't have his own reasons on this issue. He hasn't seen the things you have. I've seen someone stop their heart by drinking. He was a good friend too. These experiences don't mean as much until you see them first hand.
Since you said that you've had a healthy two year relationship up to this point, I'd advise loosening your restrictions a little. Let him know you don't want to be around him when he's been drinking, but that you trust him to be responsible. However, if you hear one word about him doing something you don't approve of, then it's over. Those could be; Drinking to excess, being a fool at a party, hitting on other girls, really anything you are afraid may happen if he gets drunk.
Relationships are about compromise. I don't see you willing to compromise at all here. Maybe it is time for you to consider it. You don't have to give away your morals for this either, but many people can drink occasionally without it causing problems in their life. I hope that your BF is one of those people.
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