A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I split with mu husband three years ago after 20 years of marriage, i heard he had an affair with his boss, he denied this but I heard him put his hand on the bible and say God forgive me, so im unsure about that. I went back to live with my mum and step dad for a while. My step dad in my mind is a control freak, he looks after my mum she is older than him she is 88 he is 72. They are not married. When i sold my house I offered to get the house decorated for them. he said NO I will do everything in this house. The is no paper on some of the walls. He ever cleans the kitchen. he starts one job and does not finish it. He cannot do it. I offered help- refused. The neighbours are complaining about the state of the house. I now have met a lovely man. He cannot have the covid vaccine because he has allergies and he has been advised by his doctor not to. My step dad has COPD and diabetes, he has forbidden my partner to come into the house, which we accept and understand. I have had my first jab and am due my second which I will get. He has forbidden anyone to go unvaccinated into the house, fair enough. I have a severely disabled son they never go and visit him he is in residential care, they are too busy, yet they can drive further to and see their friend. I live on a boat, he will not drive that far, its 47 miles away from their house. I drive to work and back twice a day. They drive further to their friends in fact they pass the Marina. My mums says she cannot put anyone before my step dad. I understand because she relies on him. I have thought about safeguarding but no, she has mental capacity, she is manipulative and happy in her state, in fact she really rules him. They definitely wont come to see the boat now because my partner is not vaccinated, he cannot see them again. I feel as though I have lost my mum and she is still alive. i said im scared to have the second vaccine, she said what about me if you catch covid. In the lockdown I was very depressed, i told her she said so am I and your not as bad as me. Can I have some advice on how to handle the situation. thanks in advance x
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2021): If they are not married, he's your mother's boyfriend. Not your stepdad!
If your mother places his needs over yours, then back-off. It follows with reason, that you should call first. Offer her an invitation to come spend time with you; and come pick her up upon her permission. Then you may spend whatever time you can. Once all restrictions are lifted, and/or everyone is properly vaccinated; he would have no excuse to refuse visits. If he is the homeowner, and not your mother; he has the right to refuse unauthorized or unannounced visits. If she allows him control over your comings and goings; there is little you can do about that.
If the man is 72, diabetic, and has COPD...why would you have believed that he would or could do any work on the house? If it's an unsafe environment for your elderly mother, seek legal advice.
I understand your mom being 88, and too old and frail to stand-up to her boyfriend. What's your excuse?
They have the right to not want people risking their health during a pandemic and during government ordered shutdown.
He didn't have to accept your offer to fix his house. If he starts things and doesn't finish them; that's his business, if it's his property.
You can look into seeking elderly conservatorship; if and when you feel his care of your mother is no longer adequate or suitable. You should speak to an attorney who will tell you how. That will give you more say and responsibility for her care. You can also seek her power of attorney; which gives you the authority to oversee her financial affairs. Seeking a legal guardianship will protect your mother from someone like him.
Otherwise, you'll have to wait until all health and safety-guidelines and/or restrictions are lifted. Then you can visit when "they" feel it's safe. If you just feel he is abusive, or has unusual influence and control over your mother; that's when and why you need a lawyer.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2021): You need to grow up.
Seriously.
You're a grown woman and your mother is almost 90!
FYI even vaccinated people can become carriers of virus and infect others. They can have zero symptoms and be contagious. The same goes for those who have had the virus. They can still get it and they can still infect others.
We live in strange and difficult times. Safety comes first. As I'm writing this, we're visiting my elderly mother-in-law, and we are ALL wearing masks INSIDE the house when we are in the same room and we don't eat/drink together. It's hard, but doable.
Why do you need your mom to come and see your boat? It sounds so childish. You are over 50 years old, stop asking your mom for attention and/or affection. There's nothing you can do to change the way she lives.
Focus on yourself and your kid.
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