A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I have been living with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and I have some questions. I need some perspective on my situation. He is ready to marry me, and I am not so sure. He asked me a few months ago and I said no because we were having some recurring problems. Since then, however, I have somewhat warmed to the idea.My problems with him are mostly that his moral values differ from mine, though he is a loyal partner in a relationship. He views casual sex and drinking far too much as being acceptable, mostly because of his work culture. We have had problems with his drinking, and now we have both agreed to stop entirely because it was creating issues.Even though the casual sex thing is irrelevant now, and that the drinking problem may also become irrelevant, it bothers me that he views these things as perfectly normal. Would he tell our children that that is acceptable behavior? I just don't agree with it. I do love him and think that he would make a good husband in many ways. He is loyal, dependable about most things, helpful, and makes sure that I am always taken care of. I don't feel an intense passion with fireworks and marching bands, but my last relationship was that way and it crashed and burned, leaving me to believe that that feeling is highly overrated. I am attracted to him and our sex life is good. I think we would do well married... But the conflicting standards about some things worries me, even though he seems to desire to settle down and live a stable married life. Sometimes I wonder if he truly loves me considering the issues we have had with his binge drinking in the past. If he has truly stopped, could a relationship where people have differing standards about life truly work? Will we grow to compromise or will this just become a REAL issue when we have kids? I'd like this to work, but maybe I'm getting myself in too deep? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2014): I suggest that you get some clear firm spoken answers about what your BF intends to teach his kids. Teaching means what he intends to let them see him doing and hear about him doing in the past. Its not just what he intends to tell them to do. Kids will weigh your actions much heavier than your words even if they are past actions you regret.
Don't let all these differences fall out-of-sight-out-of-mind and then have them blow up 17 years from now when your teenager comes home pregnant from a drunken fling.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 July 2014):
 He had agreed to stop for the sake of the relationship, otherwise drinking is fine with friends or when single. I think fathers are more protective towards daughters so I don't see him telling his teenage daughter, "yes have fun, and drink with the boys." Or "go have casual sex because I did it and I endorse this behavior." How about you ask him how he would raise his children. Children grow up to drink because they see their parents drink. So set a boundary that drinking at home, even just a little bit, is not acceptable. Or only acceptable when children are sleeping. Children will make their own decisions later in life but you have a lot of influence. I know my son would never drink or do drugs. I don't even have to tell him. He just picks up the idea that drunken people are low class and stupid. You raise kids your own way. Your husband can input also. No need to have a big blow out because you view things differently unless there is imminent danger and he handles it all wrong.
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