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female
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anonymous
writes:Long one: My partner left his home on the other side of the world two years ago to be with me. We were first loves when we were little and it was only by chance that we met up again, which was the catalyst to his marriage finally ending - although it had been bad for a long time. His kids are grown up, now early twenties. One has visited and it was great, the other is a bit poisonous about her Dad so I don’t know if that will happen. During the lead up to her visit I went through hell because he said he did not know how he would feel if the daughter who came over wanted him to go back. I have been having counselling to cope with this because I did not know whether he would be leaving us at the end of her stay. Now that she has gone I suddenly feel very emotional and tired. He is depressed and has been for a long time – two years he says- which is about as long as we have been together. He has said he thinks he has done too much too quickly/got divorced/moved house/new relationship/new job/new country. He admits to feeling “far away from home” sometimes. I get the feeling that he feels split. He has looked up suicide again on the internet, which he has done from time to time in his life. If you met him you would see that he really is a lovely man, who is worth everything and anything and it is true. I have placed an enormous amount of faith in him by starting up a new home with my little son too. We love each other enormously, it is as plain as the nose on your face! I did try to warn him about the speed of his actions but he was determined that we should buy a home together etc. Can you believe, he has said he wants me to ask him to marry him as it is a leap year. I find all this very painful, confusing and I don’t know what to do. If he has done too much too fast surely marrying me is too fast as well? I feel lost, he says I am overthinking things. He called his ex wife today to tell her that their daughter had got to her next destination from her holiday with us here OK. Having said to me yesterday that he sometimes feels very far away from home it made me feel bad that he called her. Why the need for a chat and he called her by her nick name etc etc. (By the way I have a good relationship with the father of my own son and we chat if we need to about him so I have no reason to be upset - but I am). I think it is because I find myself wondering whether he would go back to her if he thought he could; go “home”. I know that when people divorce they grieve even if they don’t want to be in the marriage anymore so perhaps it is that.However, when he expresses his feelings about feeling far away from home I want to cry and feel quite angry. I also feel angry that he expressed uncertainty about leaving me, it hurt me so much. When I asked him he said he has nothing to go back to "bridges burnt" and that my son and I are now his life. I said I was sure he would be forgiven and he said "No ---- (ex wife's name) would never forgive me" This was the last thing I meant. I meant his family (extended, would forgive him).Telling me that his life is here was within a few days of telling me that he was not sure about anything anymore. Long rambling complaint, do you have any light to shed on my angry feelings or ideas about how to cope or what to do? Is it unreasonable of me to feel so cross? I am sure it is fear. Do I just get on with it as people do when they have tough times? (What about the marriage thing?)
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do feel guilty (hit nail on head. I did try to get him to go for counselling with his wife to see if he could save the marriage because I did not want to be the reason for splitting them up. This was when we were at the stage of thinking we wanted to be together but definitive had happened (emotional not physical). He tried for six months, she put him in the spare room. All he wanted was to be loved but his ex did not want to know much about that. Not intimacy anyway (and I am not being crude).
Actually what you say is partly right, I chose to be in this situation so all I can do is put my hands up and take it. Plus do my best to support his relationships with his ex family.
His ex has a new partner and my chap gave absolutely all the assets to her despite the fact that the daughters are almost independent. Nobody has the best deal but we do have a lot of love which has formed despite difficulties. So I guess I am very lucky. Thanks for your direct-ness, swift kick up ego much appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): Dear posterHaving read your problem I don't see what you should be angry about? This guy has left his home family for you said you and your son are his life now, what more do you want? I don't mean to sound nasty or anything but you have the better deal here, he has moved away from his kids older or not sometimes thats when parents are needed most one of the is posionous you said (no wonder) don't you feel a tiny bit guilty that you have have a hand in all of this? (I am not saying its your fault) he had to choose and he chose you, you will both need to live with this, which I m sure you do happliy until he reveals his true feelings and you are trying to cope with them. Again do not take this personally I don't mean this direct to you, but this is what you signed up for he can't forget his past nor should he but maybe he does have regrets. Just my opinion don't get married just yet see how things go.
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