A
female
age
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*inRSF
writes:What's the word out there on a husband who suggests an early dinner to his wife. ; she says she's not very hungry but will keep him company and enjoy a glass of wine. Food is ordered and husband announces he is expecting a phone call. Turns out it's a conference call and wife is sitting by herself inside for 25 minutes. Call concluded, wife (me) is po'd and feels husband should have informed wife prior to getting to restaurant that he would be on a conference call, allowing not hungry wife the option of saying "let's pass then." Wife tries explaining that it's extremely inconsiderate and how would he like it if situation was reversed, to which husband has no answer. Husband then angrily calls for check just as meal is being delivered and insists they are leaving. So wife gets up and drives herself home and locks herself and the dog in the guest room. Husband feels wife overreacted and that he's "trying" and everyone is always mad at him. Wife says he isn't "trying", he had his own agenda and it was all about him. What are the thoughts? It's just one more unpleasant episode in a long saga. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (18 October 2010):
I don't think you're being overly sensitive. I know it's probably easy for a lot of people to say "just leave him"...I'm not married so it would be easy for me to say that, but from others I know that are married and especially if they have children, it isn't that easy. If it were that easy, I'm sure you would have left him by now.
Obviously your husband has issues of his own and if he has issues like bipolar, it's very difficult for himself and others to deal with. I definitely think you guys need couseling. Even as stupid as he is for just leaving you at important times over silly things, in his mind, it makes sense to him. HE needs counseling himself and if your marriage is being compromised, you need to go also, especially when it comes to having to deal with him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2010):
RiceMonster is right-post all the facts upfront so that there is a clear view of the whole situation
My question is: why do you stay? Keeping up appearances?
Marital counseling?
You are not dependent on him financially,
Emotionally, he is absent
Mental/physical abuse? Over the many years you have spent with him.
There are many many deep rooted issues here , I implore you to seek counseling- even if just for yourself.
Love yourself enough to say Enough
There is a saying: you deserve what you tolerate. Read this many times,understand it, print it out and keep it at work and at home and every time you need to revisit it,it is there, just reminding you what the state of your life is.
I do not have any other advice for you but suffice it to say: the 'abuse' needs to stioop and only you have the power to stop it.
Good luck.
-LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2010): He just sounds like an awful, self absorbed person. He is bad for your kids and you. Why even stay? You make enough to live well without him.
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A
female
reader, HinRSF +, writes (16 October 2010):
HinRSF is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor those who answered - especially the lady lawyer - I do work - 6 figure income thanks. I've also relocated 7 times for his career, missed my brother's wedding reception as a future employer of my husband wanted to meet the family, hemmoraged a baby sitting next to the Secretary of State while hubbie was in a meeting, gotten myself to the hospital, had an emergency d & c then hubbie turns up & says "that's done. Let's go for lunch!" ; had a breast biopsy while hubbie went into the office. It's just one more narcissistic example. My issue is his blowing off the conference call. He knew it was planned, why not say "I have a call - it's important. What do you want to do?" Rather than make the decision that I'd be fine twiddling with my water glass for half an hour while our food is in the warmer. Is there a pattern or am I oversensitive?
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A
male
reader, Ricemonster  +, writes (16 October 2010):
 HinRSF, well now, you did not say anything about those things in your original post. That makes all the difference.
PS: next time, if you have an issue, please post ALL the details.
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A
female
reader, AuntieSnap  +, writes (16 October 2010):
Hi there,
What an inconsiderate and utterly rude spoilt brat, how DARE he turn the situation around and blame her. She should give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he'd like waiting around for half an hour. Of course he should have told her, why didnt he just schedule a later dinner? It sounds like it has been going on for a long time and things have gotten into a rut but that is no excuse for ignorant behaviour. If I was the wife and had been putting up with this sort of snash, I would call it a day and go and find someone decent and loving.
Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, Ricemonster +, writes (16 October 2010):
Before passing judgment on the husband, I believe there are some unknown variables here. Is work-related things the only things he seem to be 'insensitive' about towards you? Otherwise, is he a good husband?
Now, let's address the actual call and his work. How is he going to know whether the call was going to be a long one or a short one? If this is a client that is calling him, you have to understand what the call was about. If the call was a leisure call, then I can understand why you reacted the way you did. Alas, the call was work-related. Is your husband a hard worker? Does he have goals he wants to meet - eg: give a better living environment for the family/for you? Maybe you've been hinting a long vacation somewhere. Is he trying to work more to save up for that? Maybe he wants kids, if you two don't already have kids and putting the extra hours to cater to potential clients may fund that possibility. There are a myriad of reasons behind why he treats his work-related calls so seriously.
I don't really know how it's like in the USA, but in Asia, if you're sincere about getting projects, as a contractor, you show your sincerity by staying on the phone trying to finish up the talk (as quickly as possible, if you're with your friends/lover). With today's job economy and even without, trying to win the bid for a project or maintain a good relation with the existing client would be a priority, because ultimately, if he's a good husband, I would think he would want your support as well.
Alas, if you cannot stand his work ethics and he is a bad husband otherwise, then this is possibly not a compatible relationship. It's too bad really, because your situation reminds me of a couple, my friends who really supported each other. 7 years strong and still going. Guy works like there is no tomorrow, but still makes some time for romance with the lady. Lady understands his work ethics and compromises between her needs and his priorities.
Not everything is so black and white.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 October 2010):
 Geeze, I don't think you overreacted one bit. A dinner out is a social occasion. Usually, the phone is turned off or on silent, and on first dates (and second, third, or subsequent times), the phone is turned off, and a guy taking a girl out wouldn't even dream of looking at his phone to see who called unless his date was in the rest room or something!
We forget to show the attention and courtesy to our longtime spouses that we would to a date, and you picked up on it. In fact, you didn't even want dinner, but were going to keep your husband company! I totally get it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): I liked your answer CaringGuy but surely you cannot compare yourself with your gfks ex. Yes he was working all the time but you have all the time in the world. CaringGuy, you are a nice guy but come on, you have so much of spare time on your hands. Not a fair comparison , not fair at all.
(Sorry not looking for a fight, just stating the obvious)
-LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): Yes he should have told her but Guys, come on- wife does not complain when his paycheque comes home. His long work hrs, his conference calls, him perhaps missing a few suppers at home- it is called life! Welcome to the harsh working world. You may not like it but understand it and get used to it.if you are not paying the bills, then get off your bum and work so that he doesn't have to waste all his life providing for you.
Perhaps he should have forewarned you, but the state of your marriage is very fragile right new and the conference call is just one of the many problems. So get your bums into marriage counseling and try to salvage your marriage. Both u and hubby need to try compromising and bith need to start communicating.
At least you had a dinner Date interrupted by a call, my hb and I were 'doing it' and I took a call to give legal advise. Not good but damn, someone has to pay the bills. I am not trivializing you being upset but just need you to understand that sometimes
We have to take that work related call.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (16 October 2010):
 What is worse than the conference call was the way he handled your feelings about it. He insisted on paying the check when the food was ordered and not allowing you to eat the meal he asked you to have with him.
He's a friggin control freak and narcissistic on top of it.
He really doesn't care. Projecting onto you his wrongs and not taking responsibility for his actions is classic personality disordered person's way of behaving.
This is a long saga because he is INCAPABLE of growth and change. It's your life, but it doesn't sound like a happy one and may even cause you to become physically ill the longer you put up with this using and abusing behavior.
It's not you, it most definately is HIM. I know what I would do.
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female
reader, HinRSF +, writes (16 October 2010):
HinRSF is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's a constant. First time for this particular event but constant, constant drama from him. BTW, he is a diagnosed depressive, OCD, moderate bipolar who after knowing this for 15 years JUST got on meds. He stormed out on me & my son two weeks ago in the Bay Area - literally walked away from us, told us he was leaving because our oldest said he did not want us to keep our luggage in his place as he would not be home & couldn't we leave it with the bell desk? I agreed with our oldest but apparently this makes me unsupportive & argumentative. My younger son & I got ourselves to the airport & caught an early flight home that time. He got out of our car once last September at night on a trip to Honolulu & walked off into the city after our daughter's team lost the match to U of H & he was angry - just left us at night, alone! It's the constant drama, insensitivity & self absorbed behavior that he me wanting to call it quits.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): Dear lady
it is all fine b/n wife and husband. it is relationship where no standard rule applies. it is very subjective and individual thing. if his job needs frequent conf calls, obviously it was fine. other way to look at it is that he took you there even t hough he was busy with work.. so have fun. do not break your mind on it.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (16 October 2010):
Acting the way that you describe, I gather that he does this frequently? I could see if he was always putting work ahead of "together time" or something like that, then that's a reasonable (but still a little bit of a dramatic) response. I can totally see your point of view, why do you want to sit in a restaurant twiddling your thumbs while he's on the phone for half an hour? You could have been doing something more productive or at least not have been bored out of your mind in a restaurant.
I would say I guess all-in-all, yes overreacting a bit if this is his first offense or a rare thing. But if he does it all the time, I'd probably be pretty pissed too. But it sounds like you're frustrated that he's just not getting it and you're getting burned out from the situation. Maybe you can write him a letter so you can get all your thoughts out (because having a discussion can side track you and you'll forget certain points). Let him know how it makes you feel and why you get upset, maybe he'll better understand that way. Otherwise, marriage counseling?
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A
female
reader, wholelottatreble +, writes (16 October 2010):
This guy is being inconsiderate and rude. I would have left after fifteen minutes. He did not think of you and apparently is not concerned with etiquette, the diners around him who have to listen to his conference call, or the feelings of the woman who feels ignored. He should sincerely apologize and make it a point to turn off his cell phone on dinner dates in the future. This is unexcusable behavior, and it looks like he needs a lesson in respect.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 October 2010):
Wife sounds like my girlfriend and her ex husband.
He put work first, took conference calls at inappropriate times, was always late, never supported her and such. Finally, my girlfriend found it too much to bear and divorced him, finding me instead :).
Basically, there is NO excuse for what he did. He knows it, hence why he claimed you overreacted. Quite why any sane, normal, polite person would take a conference call in the middle of dinner with his wife for 25 minutes without saying anything is beyond me. Wife did the right thing by going home, though should have kicked him into the spare room. Also, wife should sit down and really look at the marriage. Perhaps wife would feel more alive, happier and free with a guy who doesn't act like a selfish ignoramus.
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