A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How does a guy like a woman to communicate what will bring her to orgasm? What's an example of the words and tonality that will work in a positive way for him?
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male
reader, daletom +, writes (23 January 2008):
I can't say much about his ego since I don't know him. Some male egos (and female, too) are pretty fragile and some don't even notice when they are being carved by chainsaws and sledgehammers.
He really needs to know that you want things done a little differently. I don't understand why my suggestions wouldn't work. It's true that I spent several months learning to make love before we actually had sex (we thought it was just heavy petting) but I think I've always been open to my wife's suggestions. When she says "Slow down" or "Eat me!" or "Please hurry" or "I want on top" or "You're done but I still need a finger" - yes, she really DOES say those things - I comply. Why can't you do the same? You don't have to tell him, "Whoever taught you, taught you wrong!" - just let him know, "This is how I'd like you to do ME!".
(OK, I don't ALWAYS do as she asks - sometimes it's more fun to hold her on the brink of satisfaction. If I don't do it too long the built-up frustration adds intensity. Yes, I can be a tease!)
If you can't do that while you're in bed together you'll have to communicate when you're not in bed. Rather than obscure hints or cattiness I'd prefer a gentle but direct statement. Something like, "I can tell that you really enjoy making love with me. Can you help me get as much enjoyment as you do, so it's more of a together thing for us?". Then be ready to get rather specific: you need at least 15 minutes of caressing during foreplay, or you need to start on top, or you need a climax before insertion, etc.
And you might be guessing the wrong thing about his attitudes. Most - not all - guys actually get great pleasure from knowing that they have pleasured and satisfied their partner. Being with my partner, holding her during orgasm, and knowing that **I** helped her get there is tremendously satisfying. We may not know the best way to make it happen, but we really DO want it to happen and are more open to coaching and suggestions than you might think.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I miscommunicated my question. Neither answer really helped much sorry to say. I'm just starting to date someone and we don't know each other well. All the subtle stuff will take time. He seems to just "go for it", aggressively. And certainly lets me know what he needs. He assumes that he knows what will work for me since it worked on someone else in the past. So, I'm trying to come up with a gentle way to communicate with him and let him know that I'm not "difficult" to please (he didn't say that.. but assuming men think this if they can't figure out how to make a woman orgasm). In fact, I'm very easy once he knows my vulnerability (the secret). Then, he has complete control over me and I melt. So, how would most men like a woman to communicate this information to them WITHOUT jolting their ego? Hope I communicated this question better. Thanks again for your answers.
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (23 January 2008):
Is this a question about communicating during lovemaking, or communicating over pizza at lunch?
While making love I'd say that body language says more than words. Maybe that's because I've been with the same lady for decades, and we've learned to read each others' expressions and movements. Every once in a while we give simple instructions - "Hold me.", "Eat me.", "Faster.", "Not so rough.", etc. But mostly it is non-verbal - she takes my hand and places it where she wants it (or removes it from where she doesn't want it); we maneuver each other into position for 69, cuddling, or intercourse; we guide each others' head to the place we want kissed, or position the place near each others' head. Some messages are passed through "mirroring": often she will caress and stroke the part of my body that SHE wants caressed or stroked on her. And like I said, I've learned to pick up on the movements, sighs and gasps, and twitches that indicate something is just right, or enough for now, or should be done some more.
Outside the bedroom, we don't do detailed critiques of sexual performances any more. Occasionally we'll mention something like, "It was great to fall asleep together after making love last night", or "You gave me an awesome climax this morning.".
When we were younger we passed messages through copies of the "Joy of Sex" and "More Joy of Sex" books. One of these would appear under a pillow, or some other discrete place where nobody else would find it. There might be a cryptic note, like "Let's try pg 186 sometime." or "Pg 73 just isn't me." or "You need to read pg 202." More often, there were a few slips of paper placed to mark Certain Strategic Passages.
A few times we read these books together. What worked better were the sex articles in popular magazines like "Redbook" or "Cosmopolitan". I'm sure you've seen them - "50 ways to drive him wild in bed", "How to make love all night", or the "surveys" that supposedly tell you favorite positions, how long oral sex lasts, how often "normal" people do it, etc. We would go through those together and comment to each other - "That sounds romantic but impractical.", "You're with the majority on this question but I'm in the minority.", etc. This was often a turn-on, and usually told us something new about each other.
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A
female
reader, Cherriepie +, writes (22 January 2008):
 SOmetimes there are no words. Its mostly action that can turn me on. I like dirty talk in bed as long as it isnt insulting. Some girls go for dirty talk, some dont. You should alreay know how your partner should react depending on how well you know her. Even if you dont talk dirty say nice things about her, compliment her looks and her body, make her feel good about herself and how she makes you feel.
But i'll go back to saying you dont have to say a word if your doing it right. Breathing on my neck will give me an orgasm more and words...!
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