A
female
age
36-40,
*azed & Confused
writes:I've been dating a guy exclusively for about 3 months now. I want things to become more serious (i.e. boyfriends) but he is so hesitant. He's confided in me that his relationship with his ex has impacted him greatly, even though their relationship ended a year and a half ago. He's scared of getting hurt again, and I just don't know what to do to ease his neuroticism and apprehension. Maybe he's still in love with his ex?? I don't even really know what he means when he says he has "commitment issues." Whenever I was hung up about an ex, it was because I stil had feelings for them, not because I was left "traumatized" by past situations. One of my exes had even tried to commit suicide and took me along with him! But here I am, trying to find love again. I shouldn't compare my situation with his, but I just DON'T UNDERSTAND what he's feeling...How is it that people can be impacted by past relationship struggles and can be "over" the ex at the same time? Or is he really still in love with her?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (1 April 2008):
 Dazed and Confused, you're asking a very good question. I'm afraid I don't have the answer for that, because I also believe that once you're over someone, you're over all that someone represented. Sometimes it might not be that easy, particularly when something terrible happens, but in general lines I agree with you.
On a more practical level, I think that this man is simply keeping his options open. You have been seeing him for three months. For some people that would be enough, but for most people that's too short a time to make a decision on someone. Nowadays, many people believe that you no one can expect them to date only one person at a time, because "exclusivity" is "granted" only after making sure the person is right. I don't know if this guy is doing that, but I'm sure that he doesn't want to become your "official" boyfriend just now.
I guess that a pretty fair summary of your situation would be as follows: you want more, and he isn't sure he wants more, which leaves you wondering whether he will ever want more or not. You don't know if you're wasting your time. The only option, I guess, is to set a limit for yourself: if he won't commit after a given period of time, leave him.
It's for you to decide how long you will wait. If you let him do it, you could wait forever.
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