A
female
age
36-40,
*achelann8987
writes:I have been "seeing" this guy for about six months now. We sleep together regularly...we spend a lot of time together...alone and in groups - we share many mutual friends. We have never labeled what "We are" but we both acknowledge our care for one another, all of our friends know what goes on between us. He tells me he doesn't sleep with other girls - even though I don't ask.But when we have talked about a real relationship he says that he feels like he is incapable of having a real relationship because he was so destroyed by his first on again off again complicated relationship. I too am fairly "destroyed" so I can understand. He says he likes what we do now and that this is as close to a "relationship" he has been in a long time and that he enjoys me. I am okay with how things are right now too, I just wonder if the whole commitmentphob thing is a load of BS. Are people who claim to be commitmentphobs just getting cake and eating it to or do they actually care about people but can't get out of their own minds, so to speak? Reply to this Question
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reader, rachelann8987 +, writes (18 October 2011):
rachelann8987 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your answers and the for not sugar coating. He says that relationships eventually lead to turmoil...and he doesn't want to end up hating someone again because he half loves them. It makes sense to me because I have never had a really great relationship either. It is a lot of time and trust and effort getting to know someone, so right now things are convenient because essentially I am "more then friends" with a very close friend of mine. Ultimately I know things will never be more then what they are now because if I am not good enough to change his mind now, then I probably wont.I just wonder if this will ruin our friendship in the long run. But there is no going back now.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 October 2011):
 The term "commitment phobe" is a term from popular culture, not rooted in any actual phobia. Nor does it have a precise definition. In general it describes a person who does not want to take responsibility. In other words, yes, a person who wants the fun parts of a relationship without having to deal with the bad parts. A person who doesn't want to commit doesn't want to "have to be there" for you at all times unless they particularly feel like it, they don't want to have to consider anyone elses opinion, and in a certain way they can be viewed as selfish. But it is often a healthy selfishness, because they are, after all, aware of their inability to commit, whether it is temporarily or permanent, and they are honest about it. They need their "me time", and they do not think in "we"-thoughts. Like "maybe WE should go on vacation", instead they think "maybe I should go on a vacation?", and then they don't ask you to go along because you're not a part of the picture.
Yet when he comes home from his vacation he thinks "maybe I should hook up with X again, it was fun" and then he goes and gives you a call. A committed person will instead think in "we"-terms and include you in his thought-process by default.
When a man, or a woman, doesn't want to commit it is because they aren't ready/able to think in "we"-terms.
If a person ACTUALLY had a phobia of commitment they'd go into panic attacks and hyperventilate should anything that resembles commitment come up. So in that regard, yes calling yourself a commitment-phobe is BS unless you actually hyperventilate and panic from it.
He's not BS-ing you. He doesn't want a relationship. And what more is there to it? What more do you need to know? He feels more comfortable with the no-strings-attached so he can continue to think about himself primarily, and think of everyone else secondarily. You included.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 October 2011):
 Committment phobia is just another more elegant and more socially acceptable way to phrase what is , after all, an undeniable truth: no matter how good you are , any time,any day , around any street corner , there may be someone better than you. No matter how much fun you and I have together, or how well we get along, tomorrow I can meet someone who's even more charming / companionable / sexy / etc.etc.etc than you and I would not want to deprive myself of the chance and freedom to upgrade.
The thing is, when you fall in love, you don't CARE that you may chance into something better. You want Jane because she is Jane ( or John because he's John ). You don't want someone who is prettier / richer / smarter / sexier etc., even being aware of the existence, and availability, of such individuals. You want what you already have, so you commit and the bucks stop there.
So yes, personally I think " scared " or " traumatized by the past " IS all BS, even if maybe the person saying it is in good faith and does believe that's the real reason for not wanting to have an official relationship . In practice, it's much less complicated , they WOULD commit if they'd find someone whom they are totally into. In this case , they would be eager to close the deal and " put a label " of officiality on their relationship, to scare away possible competition.
If they don't , it just means the current partner is good, fine, OK, cool....until they get a better offer.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 October 2011):
 I am a mean auntie and I'm not going to take what you are asking at face value.I don't think you reallky ARE ok with how things are right now because if you were, you would NOT be here asking this...you would not say things like "seeing" in quotes, or ask "are people who claim to be commitment phobes getting cake adn eating it too?" because that screams of dissatisfaction to me.if you are spending time togetherif you are social with mutual friends togetherif you see each other on a regular basissounds like a relationship to me. maybe it's not the type of relationship you want or need...maybe it's just a "take it one day at a time" kind of thing and you want to know how he FEELS about you?or if he wants or sees MORE in your future?I sense you need to know where you stand with him.sounds like you two have fun together and he enjoys your company but that's it.
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reader, cutiepiesensei +, writes (18 October 2011):
it's not bs. Sometimes people really just need time. And the thing is, you don't want to push him to be in an official relationship if that isn't what he wants. The main question is, are you happy? If you are, don't think about it. If you aren't and you want a commitment you might end up waiting for a long time. It's up to you to know if he is worth waiting for
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