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female
,
anonymous
writes: Hello, My problem is more to do with myself. I was very involved with someone for three years, and had my heart broken as well as my esteem. I had let my boyfriend of three years walk all over me. I learned, however a year later I am now I'm dating someone new, and he is wonderful. However, my problem is I carried all my trust issues and relationship issues from my past relationship into my new one. Because I had so many reasons not to trust my last boyfriend I find myself full of paranoia again without even having reason for it. I'm afraid if I don't change I will loose my current boyfriend. How can I move on from these doubts and worries I only bring upon myself? It makes me depressed and angry and if I keep going I will ruin my relationship. Please give advice
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female
reader, LISAG +, writes (21 November 2006):
 You need to build up your self esteem and you must trust your new boyfriend otherwise you will destroy this relationship like you fear. Force negative thoughts out and concentrate on what is real and good. You say you have no reason for it so keep repeating to yourself that your worries are unfounded, banish paranoid thoughts any way you can. When you think negatively force yourself to think the opposite, positive and tell yourself to stop worrying. I think you could do with reading some sort of self help book, there are lots on self esteem and confidence building. Explain to your boyfriend how you are feeling and the reasons why, he will try to understand and it will help explain some of your behaviour. Work on yourself and things will improve in time. I know how hard it is when you have had your confidence and self esteem knocked, I have been there. It's not your fault at the end of the day, so try not to get angry with yourself or depressed. Get positive and as I say there are some excellent books out there written by qualifed people that are full of sometimes life changing advice ! Good luck and be grateful you have someone who loves you now, he deserves to be trusted.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2006): Firstly, how old are you? There is a good reason for asking. I have known people in their 50's who have carried all their emotional baggage from one relationship to another. Why did their relationship end? SIMPLE!! They carried too much! The aggression builds every time.
Try and put yourself in your new bf position. How would you feel if the person you love drags stuff from their past, gets angry and depressed. You would think, WHY BOTHER. Try and put it in the back of your mind. I know this isn't easy. Everytime you feel something coming to the fore then think of something nice that you want to do with your fella. Have a weekend away, maybe go to Paris Christmas shopping, of if a bit tight for cash, have a night away at a B&B in a local town, go out for a meal. Plan things in your head instead of revelling over the past. Its gone and don't let it ruin the present.
Take care
xx
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