A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hi, My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up. He left me for someone else. We have been through a lot together and even lived together. Most of the time he was away working for long periods and then came back. That took a toll on our relationship I guess and led to him finding someone else. He came home after we broke up and said he was moving to England to live. He was not too sure if things were working out with the other girl so he visited her country to see if it would. He went and recently I got an e-mail telling me how much he loves me and that he always will and that I am the best woman on earth. He told me to basically keep in touch and the usual take care of yourself stuff. I may be going to England for school or to even stay ...but I don't know what to make of his e-mail. Did things not work out...he says things are tough to get right ...I am assuming that is with the girl. But I don't know. I love him very much still and would give anything to have him back but I just don't know what to make of his e-mail. I did respond telling him I feel the same way about him and my plans to come to England...he knows already and he even gave me a site to assist me in settling in when I reach. I am going crazy here ...please someone give me some advice. This guy means the world to me and I feel like I can't breathe sometimes.
View related questions:
broke up, my ex, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2005): I feel your frustration..but I have to wonder WHY you're putting yourself through all this? It's so unecessary and it's heartless and cruel of him to send you a message, hinting that there might be a problem with the new gf...allowing you to dream and have some HOPE that he "might' come back to you. Never allow any guy to manipulate you & have that type of "power" over you. He left you, remember? Walk away with some self-respect and "kick him to the curb' for the last time.
I've been through this same battle with an ex, and no, it's not fun. It's painful..it's gut wrenching and it tore my heart in half. Call it my stubborn pride but one thing I did do was I told him, if he walked out the door because he was undecided whether he loved me or not, then my door will always be closed if he tried to come back. He left and did try to return a few months later. Much to his disappointment, my door was slammed in his face. It was a darn tough call, but my dignity meant more to me than to have him come sauntering into my life after the devastation and heartbreak he caused. I have also been in the other situation where I'm dating a guy and his ex is trying to win back his love. If he even so much as hesitated, paused to think about going back to her or had trouble making up his mind, I always made his mind up for him and I walked away, with my self-worth intact. Regardless of whether he would have chosen me, I didn't care. I simply refused to fight that war. I don't have the patience or energy for it and it was the best thing I did for myself. I cried, I grieved, I got over it and moved on.
By your ex messaging you..he could be 'molding'you to make his next move. He may want out of the relationship with her and needs a place to go. Please proceed with caution. You're ex can't just linger in between 2 girls who both want to be with him and let you both suffer..that's cruel torment. Get out and date other men and have a blast doing it. Get your galpals together for night out and enjoy life..savor the moments. Make everyday a new, positive adventure for yourself. You deserve it. Why sit around waiting for HIM to make up HIS mind about what HE wants? What about what YOU want? Me, I would want a guy who's loves me as is, committed to making a wonderful life with me, sharing his life with only me. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with an untrustworthy guy, always "looking over my shoulder" and wondering when the ex was going to pop back in his life and whisk him off. He has a crappy track record. he could do it to you, again and again and again..........
As for this sub-text..I'm wish he had been more honest with you. That could've showed his character & it would've NOT kept you hanging in limbo like you are, right now.
If all I have just said still doesn't convince you then at least do this for yourself. If you do happen to find out he is in fact leaving her and there "is trouble in paradise" for him and her, tell him, you refuse to compete for him. If he wants back in your life, he has to EARN your trust once again. He will probably look at you with SO much more respect, because you respect yourself. He may admire that about you. And you never know!
Just don't let all this get you down. We've all been there. I get so frustrated with situations like these, because these men give up on GREAT girls to go get their "jollies" elsewhere. And why do we keep giving up our self value as women to accomodate these jerks? I don't know-I'll never understand it. I know I have been blunt but this is just my opinion, dear-take it or leave it. But one last word...Take care of YOU and be strong! You are worth it, hun...believe in yourself.
Hugs and Smiles,
Irish
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (15 August 2005):
 Because you're still in love with your ex, you want to be sure that you're not reading too much into his email. Remember that text is such a dry medium of communication that sometimes things can be interpreted a couple of ways. Add the fact that lots of people don't use punctuation correctly and meanings can really be muddled.
I'm not saying that he ISN'T hinting that he'd like to get back together, but unless you want to get your heart broken a second time, you want to tread very carefully and make sure you understand him.
I suggest emailing him back and asking if he'd like to speak on the phone. Tell him that you were surprised by some of the things he wrote and that you were worried that you might have misunderstood when he said loved you and always will. Leave your number and ask him to ring if he wants to, because you thought what you read indicated he might want be more than friends.
That's basically the truth, as I understand it, isn't it? Notice that I haven't suggested that you say "I love you too!" - just that you ask to speak to him to clarify what you thought the letter said. Meeting face to face would be best, but since that can't happen, the phone is better than text. If he does ring you, you'll have a pretty good indicator that things aren't all roses with the new girlfriend...
On the other hand, if he chooses not to ring, then his next email will say something like "I hope you didn't misunderstand me the other day..." Then, at least, you have an idea where you stand without having to wear your heart too much on your sleeve.
Hope that this helps.
...............................
|
