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Can't make boyfriend cum by giving head. Why?

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Question - (7 March 2006) 48 Answers - (Newest, 19 March 2013)
A female , anonymous writes:

Ok I have a problem. I have been with my bf for a long time now, and I have never ever been able to make him cum by giving him head. He tells me its awesome and that he love it when I go down on him, and his whole body shakes when Im doing it. He does really enjoy it, because he asks me to do it to him, but why doesnt he cum??? Help.

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A female reader, Lillytylerx United Kingdom +, writes (19 March 2013):

Same here I can do it for ages and he still won't come he says he enjoys it and moans and stuff when I do it but he just can't he says its never happened when getting a bj

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A female reader, Lillytylerx United Kingdom +, writes (19 March 2013):

Same here I can do it for ages and he still won't come he says he enjoys it and moans and stuff when I do it but he just can't he says its never happened when getting a bj

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010):

Ok so i no this isnt an answer but i have the same problem and am looking for some answers to i no all guys like diff things but i have tried everything i no to do. I have never had a problem getting any of my exs to cum by blowjob and it would only take a minute before i would have to stop so they didnt cum to early. That being said i cannot get my boyfriend now to cum by giving a blowjob or hand job. he only had one girl before me and she threw up when she did it, does any one think that may be the problem??? I feel that it is my fault and that i am just not any good. he will tell me that i am bbut i just feel that he doesnt want to hurt my feelings. I have asked what he likes and he will say just like your doing it, but obviously not! He can make hisself cum and then cum into my mouth bbut i want to be the one to make him finish!!! I have gotten to the point where i dont even want to try and i no thats the wrong attitude but it makes me feel awful when i try and dont succeed. PLEASE HELP!

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A female reader, vicky 234 United Kingdom +, writes (25 April 2010):

all men are different and ask him if there are was that outher women mand him cum and see if they done anything diffent some men like role play so see if that works and if there is any way that he what you to do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009):

Hey, I have the same problem. Me and my husband have a great sex life but I just cant get him to "cum" when I give him oral. It used to make me feel bad but he would always say "your amazing" anyway.

Don't beat yourself up about it though as it isn't your fault. Try different things. My husband enjoys when I swirl my tongue around the base of the head while massaging his balls... it makes him moan like mad. The main thing is to keep going at it.

Ask him what he likes and if you can improve anyway. Just enjoy yourself and I'm sure he will enjoy it too.

Hope I was some help.

You are not alone

x

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A female reader, Lalalala1975 United States +, writes (8 November 2009):

I am a female, married 33, I start by asking my man if he would rather cum fast or cum slow. He chooses. If he chooses slow then I drag the entire thing out...lots of eye contact, slow very very slow licking of EVERYTHING, making lots of noise..moaning, slurping. When he seems like he is close...slow down, do this multiple times. I giggle and then run my finger across the tip. Kills him. Make sure you swallow, just put the head to the back of your throat and chug =] If he wants it fast...go to work...Use both hands, make sure they are wet, barely touch the head as you are coming up, cup the balls, rub all up on him, moan, when he is ready slow down and chug =]

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

My girlfriend has a hard time making me come with Bj and her hands. She gets nervous if she can't make me come after ten or fifteen minutes. She's made me cum before and even though I tell her it feels great, she thinks she's not good at it and usually stops after a bit. That's the worst thing you can do, it takes a good buildup and a consistent finish. I always get closer and closer to cuming then she'll stop because she's not making me cum, this sets me back five minutes plus its a turn off. There are so many good techniques listed in this blog, try all of them, especially working the balls. The key is to be consistent. Moaning or humming also feels good, my girlfriend won't do it when I ask her to, but when A girl moans its such a turn on and plus it vibrates on your penis and feels good. If I know I'm not going to be able to cum because I recently jerked off or I'm drunk, I'll let her suck it for a while and then tell her thanks, that was great. But if I say you're gonna make me cum, I mean it. Oral is an important part of a sexual relationship, practice makes perfect, even if a guy doesn't cum, he will always appreciate the effort

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A male reader, jc156 United States +, writes (13 July 2009):

well me and my gf did have thid problem at first but we have over come it. we have become more compftertable with eachother and yes try diff things like you might wanna try having him do the work just lay down on your side and open your mouth. this way he can control what happens and he can do what feels good for him. I enjoy it this way.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009):

I think more masturbation = more knowledge of what he likes, which he can share with you. Head is way more stimulating and exciting, so I don't see masturbation desensitises.

Also, to clarify, I meant he can try coming into your mouth to overcome a mental block (if that's what you want).

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009):

1- No teeth... at all... ever!!

There will only ever be 1 rule of bjs! But here are some other main points:

2- Ask him - He should know what he likes, and every guy is different. His preference overules anything you read (even rule one if that's his thing!).

3- Lie/stand/sit/kneel - His position matters. Relaxation aids sensitivity and coming. Him lying on his back may be the most relaxing for him. Ask what he prefers.

4- Balls - These are the secret. Cup and gently (they are very sensitive!) foldle them a lot, especially towards the end when he's getting close.

5- Experiment - Try different paces, depths, hand use, tongue use etc. Try it, keep it up, and see what gets results or what he likes. Different techniques might feel better at earlier/later stages.

And a few further ideas:

6- Persistence - It can take time. I find it's best when my girlfriend doesn't take any pauses.

7- Foreskin - some guys can only come when the foreskin stays up. If he's one, use your hand and suck in such a way that it never slides down over the head. I get the impression that most men need the opposite. Try it and check with him if he likes it.

8- Coming in mouth - there may be a psychological block. If you want him to be able to do this, practicing it as he comes by masturbation could help.

9- UpsideDown - Changing position so he's the other way up in your mouth gives a different sensation.

10- Angle - Try tilting the angle so either your top or bottom lip travels further down the shaft each time you go down (it is fine to pull a penis up toward our bellies or downwards quite strongly). Your usual position might stimulate one side of the penis well, but slightly neglect the other.

Sorry to make it sound so technical. That's not what goes through our minds at the time if it's good!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008):

The trick is perssistance in the end.. When you feel like he's about to cum & he's moaning alot more & you've been giving him oral for quite a while. The simple way to make him cum is persistance, Just simply start sucking up & down at a steady rythem and dont lose the beat. If you feel like the pace your going at isnt fast enough, then suck harder & move faster. If this dosnt work in a minuet or so start moaning with it in your mouth while still keeping a steady pace.. That should do the trick ;)

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A male reader, pi_r_justice United States +, writes (5 December 2008):

Obviously this is something that you are very concerned with, and I would really like to help. My answer comes from the perspective of a male in a happy, heterosexual relationship that includes all aspects of sexual fun.

In my opinion, there have been a lot of decent answers here. There have also been a lot of really poor ones.

In all honesty, I feel there is very little chance that he masturbates too much. Your average male can get off over 3 times a day, every day. Its more a matter of what a person is used to.

That being said, it is certainly not your fault either.

What it sounds like you need to do is keep trying. Talk to him about what he thinks feels good and what doesn't. Tell him to be specific about what he wants, and you do the same. Let him know that you want to give him head until he comes, and that you don't care if he does it in your mouth.

So you have a few other tricks to work from, here is my advice. Using your mouth, tongue, and lips, work the top 2-3 inches. Let a lot of saliva drip down the rest of his unit, and using one of your free hands, move up and down his shaft along with your mouth. Uses your other hand to gently rub his inner thighs and testicles. Make sure to keep a lot of moisture on him so everything stays slick. Don't forget to suck, but not too hard, and don't use your teeth!

In addition, you might make sure that he is not distracted. Make sure there is no Television on, or music, or anything else that might draw his attention away from you. Another good idea might be to tell him every 5 minutes what you want to do to him, and keep doing that for a while before you actually start making out or anything. This should get him excited and ready for it as he thinks about it. Also, don't give up! If you haven't done any work on his unit before going down, it might take 30 minutes or more of playtime before you get the results you want.

Perhaps it would be best to do some gentle and aggressive manual stimulation before going down. As an alternative, you could have him work himself until he feels he is close to coming, and then make him stop and you try and do the rest.

Leave the lights on, let him watch you. If you can, make eye contact with him every once in a while with his dick still in your mouth, play with it with your tongue while you do that, too.

You're just going to have to try different things and talk to him about what works and what doesn't! a good idea might be to have him read this response and ask him if any of the techniques I mentioned sound like fun. They work for my girlfriend, they might work for you!

Good luck, don't give up!

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A male reader, SouthernDaddyDom United States +, writes (25 September 2008):

Wow, this thread has focused so much on the woman's technique. Anyone ever stop to think that her skills may have nothing to do with the problem?

Like the original poster's boyfriend, I haven't been able to cum, either, from getting head. And I've gotten LOTS of GOOD head in my lifetime. Here are my theories why:

1. Mental Issues - Something deep inside my brain, telling me that it's wrong or unnatural to cum this way. If this is the case, only a therapist can figure out the reason.

2. Taking a Passive Role - I also have a hard time cumming while fucking, if I'm not doing the work (thrusting). As far as oral, I did cum, once, in a woman's mouth, but practically had to force fuck her mouth before it happened. Have your boyfriend try a more active role.

3. Someone mentioned earlier that jacking off too much might cause lack of sensitivity. Ask your guy to ease off a bit and see if that helps.

My thoughts.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008):

You have to twist your tongue on the tip of his penis.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008):

I can totally relate to your BF. My GF can't get me to blow my load when she goes down on me either, but I do love it. A couple tips: you can't just bob up and down; get into it. Suck. Use your tongue. Also the back of the head, so the head facing your boyfriends face, is the ultra sensitive part. Start slow then work up the speed. My problem; I was raised by ultra fundamental evangelicals who taught me sex is wrong and I should feel guilty. To try and fix myself I ended up getting addicted to porn and beating off all the time. I learned to satisfy myself and leave her out of the equation. Does your bf beat off all the time? Does he watch porn? Get him to take a week off then try getting down to business with him and your mouth and see what happens. Hope this helps...

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A male reader, emastafunk Australia +, writes (2 September 2008):

im a guy and i have this problem, but it is partailly my fault

as a guy i tend to beat off quite a bit and i have found out that if i dont do that for a few days prior to getting some i actully cum

also the major problem i get is if i am not relaxed (for instance if in the backseat of a car) i cant cum at all no matter what im doing...

it sucks to be tall

so u wanna get ur boyfriend off

1. make sure he is ready for u

2.and get him to relax

hey swallowing is always cool too

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008):

I can completely relate in this matter.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and have just recently within the last six months gotten truly sexual with one another. We're abstaining from the actual act but we've given oral and whatnot a couple of times. Every time, though, I can't get him off. I don't think that I'm doing anything wrong - he guides me and shows me and approves of the corrections I make but no matter what, it still isn't enough. He feels awful for it and I know it isn't his fault but it gets to the point where I don't even want to try anymore. As someone else said earlier, why bother starting what I can't finish? I've recommended holding back on masturbating, trying not to think about it, I've tried setting the mood to be relaxing and comfortable ..

He has gotten me off several times, but I can't get him off. I was brought up on the idea that men don't last, and that women never cum. Yet here I am with the opposite problem.

It hurts to know I can't fulfill his needs and satisfy him. It doesn't matter that he tells me that it isn't me, I still feel as if it's my fault .. and it's taking a toll on our relationship ..

I know this wasn't much of a help, but I can certainly relate ..

Hopefully those women [and men] out there who relate as well finds a solution ..

Hopefully we do too.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008):

I make my husband cum all the time I learned what he likes and dislikes. He really likes it when i put my thumb and finger around the bottom and apply pursue and then with my mouth I suck on the top part it don't take long and his moaning and before you know he is coming.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008):

Wetter is better. Get up as much saliva as you can and be steady. Pay attention to his reaction to see what speed and how hard or soft he might like it. Use you hands ALOT! Play with his balls with one hand while you use the other had to go up and down is member while you suck. And when he says he's close be more intense. Last but certainly not least. SWALLOW. Always works when I do it. :) Happy Stroking!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008):

Use your hand to stroke it whilst you're giving him a blow job and he will eventually cum.

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A female reader, b.g.f.lady United States +, writes (24 April 2008):

ok well i give my bf head sometimes and he never comes...but he asked me to and i dont know how...is it possible to practice somehow cuz i wanna know wat im doing before hand ya know??? any advice would be very helpful and greatlly appreciated.

Thanks =)

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A male reader, john101 United Kingdom +, writes (14 April 2008):

john101 agony auntwhat you should do is turn him on with some porn movies or some naked dancing to get him in the mood. if not your boyfriend isnt ready to cum yet when you give him head does transparent stuff come out, if it does then he is not ready to cum yet

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A male reader, john101 United Kingdom +, writes (14 April 2008):

john101 agony auntwhat you should do is turn him on with some porn movies or some naked dancing to get him in the mood. if not your boyfriend isnt ready to cum yet when you give him head does transparent stuff come out, if it does then he is not ready to cum yet

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008):

I cum all the time from oral sex. The key is not ejaculating for several days before. Swirl the tounge around the head of the cock and use your hands to stroke all the way up and down. Steady motion is key. The peppermill move also helps while stroking it - twist your hands as you go up and down. Look up at your man with your eyes too. I also cum faster when I get on my knees and she lays on her stomach to blow me. I love it when she swallows also.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008):

I've got the same thing with my guy - he says i'm the best he's ever had & that but i can't make him cum when I give him head! He wanks off...a lot :) so thats probably why.

Also, when youre thinking about cumming, you cant do it. Like if he was there going "god, I've got to cum. She wants me to cum. Why cant I do it?" obsessing in his head, hes not guna do it.

He's probably thinking too much.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008):

The best what i've found is for my gf to use both her hand and mouth moving together. Constant non stop pace is key and this is where you need to ask him what pace works. You shouldn't stop once you've started, kinda like walking a tight rope, once you started you can't go back and if you stop you'll fall off.

Another thing here is that self masturbation doesn't help, make sure he stops for a while before you do anything. Not like a year or anything but long enough to get him on the verge so that when he walks past you you can sense the heat beaming out his pants.

Also trying new things or working old things whilst your doing it can work too, like mutual masturbation or you playing with yourself whilst on the job (this one works well for me:-) or anything that pushes his buttons.

The whole thing about control can be true for some and not for others. I personally love it when my gf takes command from time to time but also love being in control, depends on the situation really but the important thing is it can vary.

Another major thing is to get him going mentally, tell him things like you can't wait to get his thing in your mouth or that you've been thinking about doing this to him the whole day or something along those lines, be a dirty girl, nothing hotter on the planet!

Hope these things help

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008):

I have the same problem with my chap, we have been together 2 years and i have never once been able to either wank or suck him off. I have read SO many articles on this subject i should be an expert by now but no matter what i try i cant make him cum, he always has to finish himself off. We have talked about what he likes but it makes no difference. Lots of things i have read talk about some men just needing to be in control, and that the woman shouldnt feel that it is her fault - this doesnt make me feel any better at all tho. It is getting to the point where i dont even want to try anymore, no point starting what i cant finish. He even feels guilty that i cant make him cum, says it doesnt matter but of course it matters to me. It has become such a massive issue with me, i am worried he will look for it elsewhere, i think it might even split us up, which would be such a shame as every other area of our relationship is great.

P.s never had this prob with any of my exes, used to think i was great in the sack, all my confidence has gone now

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008):

hey im gay nd me nd me bf both take a while to cum"! he usually wants sexc time with me when i am tierd.....nd i say no but he goes on ne ways. so i go with the flow but i dnt cum. my advise is to make sure he is active and really HORNEY this way you will be sure to get what u want from him ;0

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008):

The reason why they don't go honestly is because you don't know how to do it right.

This is an example of what it's like.... It's like hand cranking a brick for 10 minutes on a ancient machine, then all of a sudden you lost momentum or let go, but then catch it again just before it hits the ground, now all of a sudden your set back 5 minutes so now the job will take 5 more minutes.... If you keep letting go the job could take forever.

You have to know what feels good and keep doing the same thing over and over, if you stop it and do something else you think is a turn on then it "resets".

Another reason is because some men are not average and go too fast or take too long.

As a rule of thumb, they should go as fast for oral as they do in intercourse.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008):

The guy I'm with has a similar problem. Or rather, I do. I musta gone at it with my mouth for an hour without getting anywhere. Then, I let him fuck me for an hour. Every single time we've been together, he finishes himself off with his hands for me. I love it, cause I like swallowing.

He says he loves it. That he loves that I'm so into it. But I really wish I could make him cum. At all. In any way. But he's not a small guy, either. So the second time I gave him head, my jaw hurt SO bad. Damn, I really wish I could do something for him.

I know I haven't helped at all, just letting all of you know you aren't alone.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008):

It's the same with me, too. My boyfriend says he really enjoys it, and his body language shows it as well. It's possible that your boyfriend masturbates too much (I know mine does...x]) but tthe key thing is that it can take a while for a guy to get an orgasm. Just make out with him a lot before you give head...it'll make him more sexually excited and a better chance of getting an orgasm.

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A female reader, scarlet_tears United Kingdom +, writes (27 January 2008):

scarlet_tears agony auntHmmm, I have heard that having something minty just before can make it more tingly.....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008):

I read that some men just cant get off unless they are in control. Your boyfriend may love it, like my boyfriend, but beingin control is the only way he will cum.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2007):

maybe he has a dysfunction so cant come but i reckon he enjoys it try ball baiting/teasing his cock beforehand might be even better

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007):

everyone finds it hard to make me cum all my ex gf's couldnt do it b giving me head or tossing me off but i was quite suprised when my new gf done it 2 me it was her first time and she made me cum quite quickly but when shes giving me head i feel like im going to cum but i dont so i told her not to be so gentle and she done it again and i cum so my advise dont be gentle and enjoy it

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2007):

try playing with this balls and then suck him off really hard and fast. x

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2007):

Yup he's been spanking the monkey way to much and he's lost some sensation in he's king kong, try handjob with ky jell

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2007):

listen my boyfriend loves it to. taunt him only go half way instead of a fyll

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2007):

my boyfreind comes too quickly! if he enjoys it your obviously not doing anything worng, i wouldn't let it get you down so much i know it is probably hard but he probably is embarassed about it too, as my boyfreind finds it very hard to make me come but we talked to eah other baout it and now it doesn't bother eihter of us so much! hope this helps!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2007):

funny, I just asked a male friend this question - I have very rarely been able to bring a partner to orgasm.

I have asked boyfriends before to be specific but most guys seem reluctant to do so. I suppose this is because they don't want to be critical. I always get the "it feels wonderful baby" response, and I'm sure it does, but I aim to make it more wonderful

My friend gave me a very clinical lesson - and his main refrain was that the biggest mistake women make is being too gentle.

some other specifics - there are two pressure points right above the scrotum and below the ball sac and one right above the ball sac that are very sensitive. Massaging these areas can help. With the first one he said you can feel that as the very base of the penis internally.

He suggested gripping the base of the penis with one hand, and with pressure, using the other hand to massage up and down while focusing on the top 2-3 inches with your mouth, and sucking rhythmically, as previously suggested, like a lollipop, paying specific tongue attention to a spot on the bottom, right below hte head.

He also suggested pulling the penis down a bit from its natural tendency to point upward when hard.

Obviously every man is different, but you can usually get an idea of what's working and what's not.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2007):

im gonna say try this it always works lick his thing like a lolly pop and suck as hard as you can massage aroung the head with you toung some guys are just difficult i couldnt make my husband cum till a friend told me to try this

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006):

I've got the same problem thats happened with several people. Don't beat yourself up about it, its not your fault. If he's anything like me you'll have to agree for him to stop pleasuring himself for a time and he'll cum around eventually ;)

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A female reader, mystify +, writes (13 March 2006):

mystify agony aunti wouldnt worry , id just do it till it starts to wear thin then move onto something else, whether it be your turn or nibbling his neck ;)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2006):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

So how do I go about perfecting this technique? I need some help here, Im running out of ideas and its making me a little worried. Thanks to everyone for their responses to this!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2006):

Not to start an argument, but I'll bet the problem is that he's masturbated so often...for so many years that he's now finding it difficult to respond to oral stimulation. So, unless you perfect your technique, and I do mean perfect, your boyfriend will likely not achieve orgasm through oral sex with you. Just to make things clear, I don't think his failure to climax during oral sex is your fault (like about 98% his fault).

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A female reader, wishes +, writes (8 March 2006):

wishes agony auntI had the same problem with my ex. We were together 4 years and never once did I make him cum with my mouth, or my hand. Funny thing was though is that he could jerk off to make himself cum. No matter what I did, I just couldnt. He would tell me that nobody had ever made him feel as good as what I did, and nobody had ever been able to make him cum unless they were having sex. I felt bad not ever making him so sometimes we would jerk him off together while he was sitting on my chest and he would cum in my mouth that way. Just for something different, you know? I know its not you, but it probably makes you feel bad anyway. Dont worry about it, just accept that its something he cant do. Best wishesx

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A male reader, DreamMaster Ireland +, writes (7 March 2006):

DreamMaster agony auntIf you are just being gentle he will enjoy it for longer, but if you want to make him cum, you probably need to wank him too for a minute (picking up the pace gradually), keep your mouth near the end of his penis and lick that at the same time for extra sensation.

Another way is more aggressive pumping action with your mouth, make sure you have created a nice seal around the end, and move your mouth up and down sliding your lips along his penis.

Do either of those for a minute and you should be 'rewarded', its up to you whether you stand clear or not.

On the other hand you could of course ask him what he specifically wants done, and what he likes most, but either of those 2 would be a nice surprise - lucky guy

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A female reader, missbunbury United Kingdom +, writes (7 March 2006):

missbunbury agony auntHave you talked to him about this? It might just be that he's making a really big effort not to come, either because he thinks you won't like it or because he'd rather go on to other things first, if you know what I mean! It definitely sounds like he's enjoying what you're doing, so I wouldn't worry too much unless he's complaining, but it the meantime you could try learning a few new tricks. In my experience, persistence is important; men take quite a while to build up to orgasm. Have you tried using your hand at the same time? A mouth and a hand together feels better, as it means you're stimulating more nerve endings. If you want specific advice on technique, the best thing to do is to ask your boyfriend, as men have different likes and dislikes.

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