A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year. He has been thus far the best boyfriend I've ever had, loving, caring, always there for me. Since around September, things haven't been the same. We spent WAY too much time together, and when we went back to school for the fall and couldn't see each other every day things began to change.The fighting became out of control. Small things that could have been talked out turned into fits of rage, grabbing and shaking each other, screaming in each others faces, he even ripped up my favorite pair of shoes and broke an anniversary present in front of me when we were fighting. I get called every name in the book, and to this day, it hasn't stopped. The "breaking up" fights have stopped for the most part, though they still happen, and I have removed most of my things from his house due to these fights where we scream that we want each other out of our lives forever.I don't deserve to be in a relationship like this and neither does he. We are both loving people that have never been violent or out of control. His father has a tendency to fight unfairly with his mother, if this is even applicable, and to make matters worse, he has NEVER been in a relationship before so has no frame of refrence for what is right or wrong to do or say.I have tried everything. My past relationships haven't been great, I've been mostly with distant and emotionally unavailable men. This has been quite the opposite with him, being stimulated and riled up for the smallest and most trivial of things. No doubts that my boyfriend is sensitive, jealous and a drama queen! Yes, I am in this for the long haul, I am pretty sure. Does anyone think after all this immature fighting that things can get better? I can't stand to be insulted or put down anymore when I am trying to calm a fight down. I have tried ignoring him, but I get accused of not caring. taking time apart, I get accused of not wanting to put forward an effort. giving in and telling him that he is right and it is all my fault, telling him that I am going to counseling, telling him that I love him, apologizing. I have tried to stay calm but I get yelled at for being condescending. and of course I have fought back when I feel that I am right, like I think any woman should, and this NEVER works to my advantage. I am truly desperate for this abusive fighting to stop. It is ruining the love we have for each other and it is ruining my self esteem.
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anniversary, immature, jealous, self esteem, violent Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): :(. My dad does this to my mom. He has anger issues. My brother refuses to marry his love because of that. They have been living together for 5 years and get along well.
I agree with ask older sister. He doesn't do it in public and knows what he is doing. Tell him what he is doing and that you will not put up with it if he's not going to fight fair (and then don't put up with it). Don't break up with him. He'll come crying back to you. No doubt. Anger issues are hard to get over, but he can do it.
Poor mom, though. She had children and could not take care of herself, so she just had to endure it. My dad is a dick and doesn't deserve her. I wish he could be forced to figure that out. It would make him a better person.
But you are in a different situation. Just tell him you are going to separate from him until he decides not to treat you in a way that he wouldn't want the public to see, but you aren't breaking up with him. I bet he loves you. Anger issues...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): It sounds to me like he is verbally abusive and will destroy your self-esteem if this continues. I think it's very important that you tell him this. Tell him the way he is making you feel, but don't start any sentences with "you..." frame everything with "I feel like this when...". Don't put any blame on him. Try to be very objective with what you're saying.
You should also tell him you understand that you are both seeing things from a different perspective and you'd like to have a calm conversation with him about how you and he can take things back to the way they were.
If he's not interested in changing himself, he will never do so. If he continues this, he will cause you a lot of damage . If that's the case, I think you should get out while the relationship is relatively young and find someone who is will ing to see both sides of any argument.
You should google "TEN THINGS NEVER TO
DO IN A MARRIAGE". There is some very good information on "fighting fair" available. Ask him to read it too.
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