A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met this girl I'm dating on one of the matching websites and from the very first date we were amazed at our compatibility and our attraction for each other. We've been dating almost 4 months now. However, in the 4 months we've dated it's gone from spending every evening with each other for the first month to only being allowed to see her on the weekends. When we're together we're amazingly happy and then comes Monday and she becomes distant, doesn't communicate with me (email, text or phone calls) and if she does, it's very short. Then the weekend comes and she's awesome again.I'm distressed in feeling like a part-time love. I know she's not doing anything during the week but just watching tv or paying bills. Some would say we moved to fast and she's claustrophic. I get that but my questions are:1. Can you successfully slow down a relationship after being so close?2. She lived previously with someone for 4 years 24x7 so I presume she's not afraid of committment so should I just chalk this up to fading love?3. How do I handle the ups and downs with her when I'm so excited to have her part of my life but only on her timeline?4. I thought this was my last girlfriend, lover, etc. Do I accept the truth and just let her go despite my immense sadness of losing the awesomeness when we're together?Help! Thanks for reading
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE AND CONCLUSION Well...it was Christmas Eve and we went to her parents and they treated me like her husband. Her parents and family were very generous with the gifts to me. After spending time at her parents, we went back to my townhouse and exchanged our gifts. It was an uneasy feeling as if we were just going through the motions of Xmas. She was very thoughtful and generous to me with gifts as well. She was spectacular as I always knew she was. In the middle of gift exchange by the tree and fireplace, we began to talk about how our relationship just changed. It was feeling like a whole lot of work for something as simple as new love should be. She finally said to me, "I just don't miss you during the week as much as I should". And then subsequently said, "I love you but I'm not IN love with you and I just don't see us ever getting married."
Needless to say, she broke my heart! I packed her families gifts to me, her gifts to me and said that I could not consciously accept gifts of love from people I would never see again. It was the most painful and excrutiating activity I've ever done. She sat on the floor and watched me as we both cried and I packer her stuff back in bags and boxes. I walked her to her car and helped her fill her car with all the presents and broke down bawling like a school girl. I said, "Who does this? Who tells a guy on Xmas Eve that they're not in love with them? Please excuse me if I sound angry, bitter, regretful and simply like someone who lost someone to a sudden death."
We both cried there in my garage for what seemed like hours. It was nearing midnight and finally accepting the reality of those painfull words I said, "You are an amazing woman. I love you for who you are and I'm sorry but I will continue to be IN love with you for sometime if that's okay with you. I'm also sorry that you don't feel the same because I thought blindly that we were perfect and were meant for each other. If I loved you as I know I do, then I don't wish any pain in your heart for you. I truly hope that you find the love that you to always wanted." We continued to discuss where the relationship started to fall away for her. She blamed my A.D.D. and said she hated it. She felt boxed in. She felt that we should've dated and not pretend to be a married couple. I agreed with her. I told her we tried to build walls and a roof without a foundation.
Finally it got to be around 2 a.m. and I said, "I'll still be there for you. I understand her feelings. I'm 40 and to old to hold regrets and I want to be at peace. Please stay the night since it's late and you and Remy (her dog) can leave in the morning." She stayed the night (we just slept) and when we woke up this morning, had coffee, I made her breakfast and then we cried some more because we knew we were great for each other but the mechanics fell apart. We were sad to miss the awesome times. We also decided to keep each other's gifts as reminders of these awesome times we shared.
...And she drove away...
My take on it all....I don't hate myself. I went with feelings and sometimes you can't stop the momentum of your heart. My advice to others....it's okay. Go for it because if it does work out...it's amazing! If it doesn't, it just wasn't meant to be. Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas to all the broken hearts out there. Just remember...there will always be another Christmas.. I just happen to be on Santa's naughty list this year.. ;-)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE AND CONCLUSION Well...it was Christmas Eve and we went to her parents and they treated me like her husband. Her parents and family were very generous with the gifts to me. After spending time at her parents, we went back to my townhouse and exchanged our gifts. It was an uneasy feeling as if we were just going through the motions of Xmas. She was very thoughtful and generous to me with gifts as well. She was spectacular as I always knew she was. In the middle of gift exchange by the tree and fireplace, we began to talk about how our relationship just changed. It was feeling like a whole lot of work for something as simple as new love should be. She finally said to me, "I just don't miss you during the week as much as I should". And then subsequently said, "I love you but I'm not IN love with you and I just don't see us ever getting married."
Needless to say, she broke my heart! I packed her families gifts to me, her gifts to me and said that I could not consciously accept gifts of love from people I would never see again. It was the most painful and excrutiating activity I've ever done. She sat on the floor and watched me as we both cried and I packer her stuff back in bags and boxes. I walked her to her car and helped her fill her car with all the presents and broke down bawling like a school girl. I said, "Who does this? Who tells a guy on Xmas Eve that they're not in love with them? Please excuse me if I sound angry, bitter, regretful and simply like someone who lost someone to a sudden death."
We both cried there in my garage for what seemed like hours. It was nearing midnight and finally accepting the reality of those painfull words I said, "You are an amazing woman. I love you for who you are and I'm sorry but I will continue to be IN love with you for sometime if that's okay with you. I'm also sorry that you don't feel the same because I thought blindly that we were perfect and were meant for each other. If I loved you as I know I do, then I don't wish any pain in your heart for you. I truly hope that you find the love that you to always wanted." We continued to discuss where the relationship started to fall away for her. She blamed my A.D.D. and said she hated it. She felt boxed in. She felt that we should've dated and not pretend to be a married couple. I agreed with her. I told her we tried to build walls and a roof without a foundation.
Finally it got to be around 2 a.m. and I said, "I'll still be there for you. I understand her feelings. I'm 40 and to old to hold regrets and I want to be at peace. Please stay the night since it's late and you and Remy (her dog) can leave in the morning." She stayed the night (we just slept) and when we woke up this morning, had coffee, I made her breakfast and then we cried some more because we knew we were great for each other but the mechanics fell apart. We were sad to miss the awesome times. We also decided to keep each other's gifts as reminders of these awesome times we shared.
...And she drove away...
My take on it all....I don't hate myself. I went with feelings and sometimes you can't stop the momentum of your heart. My advice to others....it's okay. Go for it because if it does work out...it's amazing! If it doesn't, it just wasn't meant to be. Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas to all the broken hearts out there. Just remember...there will always be another Christmas.. I just happen to be on Santa's naughty list this year.. ;-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): Wow, this exact same thing is happening to me. It was just amazing and wonderful when we were together. He would text, call and email me everyday and try to see me as much as possible. We talked about how this was it, we had found the one and how great and special it all was.Then suddenly he just wasn't gushing compliments, he didn't email every morning and didn't text me except to reply to a message or attempt to see me. He didn't even make plans except for on the weekend. Since all of this was quite sudden and such a change without any explanation, it made me really upset.If he would be truthful or open then we could work it out. He was the one coming on super strong in the beginning. It was intoxicating, but I am beginning to question his mental stability as he flip-flops his behavior. He claimed everything was great with us in his mind. But he is not an idiot and had to know I would be hurt by his sudden abrupt change in attention. It is just so inconsiderate and quite mean not to give any explanation after pulling in someone so close.I am still talking with him a bit. But I don't think he was as sincere as he was trying to make himself appear. I have no explanation or rational for it. I know he is really into me, and isn't looking around. He doesn't have commitment issues. I just think he may not have the same ideas of what a relationship should be after the "big show" he put on at first that was so misleading.It really stings because I miss him, and want to spend at least two nights a week with him. Would be nice if he acted a little more excited to speak with me when we aren't together as well. I don't want to settle for this kind of treatment. It is no consolation that he will probably rue having driven me away in the end.For now I am holding out some, if little, temporary hope that he will have some flash of decency and common sense.
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A
female
reader, dazey  +, writes (18 December 2009):
why can't you see her in the week? what is the reason given for this, if any?
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A
female
reader, LUFC  +, writes (18 December 2009):
 okay first off, you need to tell her how YOU really feel. Even if she's scared of comitting it has to be out in the open!
1. Yes, your coming out of what you call 'the honeymoon period', this is a HUGE challenge on the relationship and when it starts to slow down. It is a test to see if your able to still be together after a certain amount of time... you both have to work together or this won't work.
2. Tell her what you want from her and the relationship, she may not want the same things you want but at least you'll know.
3. Re-think yourself. Do YOU want to be in a commited relationship or just a part time one? Tell her what YOU want.
4. The same answer for number 3.
You basically need to tell her how you feel and what you want out of the relationship, ask her what she wants/feels. It may not be the outcome you want, but at least you'll know what you both want.
Hope this helps !
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