A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Can you love someone that you don't admire?I feel that a large part of love is finding that person that you admire. A partner that can constantly energize you to do better just by the mere fact that you want to aspire to emulate them.I guess I could say that I've admired my girlfriend at one point, obviously in the beginning, but overtime I've surpassed it. I've already gleaned these characteristics and I feel that its time for me to move on cause the grass is greener on the other side. I feel like I'm being pulled behind now and my gut instinct is telling me to let go of the dead weight. If someone asks me, what do you admire about your partner, they would be all completely banal. She's smart, beautiful, outgoing....okay great sounds like the perfect woman right? No. The negatives that I would come up would out number the positives 6 to 1. I could think of 24 of them off the top of my head. Immature, needy, irrational, liar, loose cannon, small minded, narcissistic, controlling, co-dependent, unreliable, lazy, manipulative, overbearing, dead weight, double standards, weak, negative thinking, repetitive, constantly needs reassurance, whiny, unreasonable, own parents have described her as "has an attitude", has no problem involuntarily involving others in our relationship problems, and can be a real you know what. Of course, there has been a slew of relationship problems that we've had as well. But can you really love someone that occupies more negatives in your head than positives? Can you love someone that you think so negatively of? I think not.I should also add, that a few days before I planned on breaking up with her, she told me that she was pregnant (I've confirmed this by going to a doctor with her). I told myself that I would "give it another fair shot". Four months later I keep thinking to myself "Why am I preventing the inevitable?". How can a break it off with the least collateral damage?
View related questions:
a break, immature, liar, move on Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2009): These responses have been great. Please continue to write sound advise. I think I know I have to let go of the relationship as I have "out grown it" which is natural. I do care for my girlfriend very much and I wish for this separation to occur as easy as possible for her. Please give me advise on how I can do this.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2009): Thanks for the responses. They have been really helpful. PLEASE continue to write sound advise like the last two contributors.
...............................
A
female
reader, quiet-echo  + ♥, writes (7 November 2009):
 I like a lot of what baby duck has to say, however I disagree that love and respect are inexorably linked. People have often demonstrated that they can love someone without respecting them.
Love can be smothering - snooping through someone's personal things, accusing someone of infidelity, borrowing someone's things without permission, parents who allow their children no privacy in an effort to protect them. These are all some of the examples of love without respect.
Relationships don't have to last forever for them to be considered rewarding. People will come and go from our lives and some of the ones who have the most impact will only be with us a short while. It sounds like you have outgrown this relationship and that is ok.
Your girlfriend is going to be upset when you break up with her. That is to be expected and unavoidable. The sooner it's done, the sooner she'll recover.
I suggest you not list her faults. This is not about her. It's about you. You don't see a future for you together and have decided to move on. Period. Pointing out her flaws will only add salt to the wound, and it may drag things out longer. Your girlfriend may use them as a negotiating tool; promising to change those shortcomings in an effort to keep you.
Best of uck.
...............................
A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (7 November 2009):
 that's monogamous, not monomamous
*eye roll*
...............................
A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (7 November 2009):
There is a baby involved, so collateral damage is unavoidable.
It has never entered my mind that 'admiration' be part of loving someone. Usually, we admire people we don't know well ... so their attributes are what we see and their issues are obscured.
Love is a decision, a commitment, that you make after all the lovey-dovey feelings. Reality is, the better you get to know someone, the more visible their flaws. There will be times that you do not feel loving at all, but you will still love the person, because you committed to the whole package.
I have since learned a few lessons that you may have already learned at your tender age. First of all, I thought that love was unconditional, but I have since learned that love for my children is unconditional ... but that I suffered hugely because my love for my husband was not reciprocated. Perhaps you feel the same, if your girlfriend is truly, by definition, narcissistic (which means far more than vain or conceited).
Once, when I told my cousin that I would miss how my husband always made me laugh, she asked, "But did he get your sense of humor?" Uh, no ... he told me, scornfully, many times, that I was not funny and I had a stupid laugh. So ... I think that love needs to have genuine laughter and appreciation of each other's sense of humor. Her laughter ought to make you feel good inside, too.
Maybe what you are trying to ask is, can you love someone that you don't respect? No, you cannot. Love and respect are inextricable in a monomamous relationship. There is no love where there is no respect.
The two of you can love and support the unplanned baby without marriage. I am not a religious person, but I do believe marriage should be entered with the utmost reverence and sanctity. Marrying someone that you do not respect is a recipe for disaster. I know, because I loved him but he did not love me.
Proceed with caution ... I wish the three of you well.
...............................
|
