A
female
age
36-40,
*es
writes:A question to the guys:Can you care about someone so much and it makes you so afraid of losing them, that you'd rather not be with them?This is the line that my boyfriend pulled on me and bailed, after HE implied that we're in the relationship for the long-haul, that we have the same values and princinpals, and that family and the relationship is more important that the individuals. I wanted to take things more cautiously, but was so overwhelmed by his dedication and values for months. And almost overnight he became a different person. On the one hand, I still believe that he is honest and wouldnt lie to me. On the other hand, this just sounds like complete bull. We had a messy break up (I sent him away but I was very frustrated) since he wouldnt answer my questions, return half my phonecalls and was so rude and incosiderate that was shocked that he even had the potential to think, not to mention act like this, for about two-three weeks, but I still have deep feeling for him. My natural instinct was to send him packing b/c Ive been hurt and have friends who've been very hurt by guys who pull things like this b/c they just dont want to be with their gf anymore. But I just wanted a guys opinion of whether this is just some line to push me away or if there is an actual possibility that he is "very torn and suffering". Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 It would have been good to know the time frame. With this information at hand, I think I can't really know what is going on in his head. Maybe he is "hot and cold", yes. But, in a general sense, sometimes people can stay away from you because they fear they could make things much worse. That doesn't seem to be the case here. Maybe he didn't like something. But I would recommend you don't agonize over this.
A
female
reader, A Cappella +, writes (13 May 2008):
 This guy sounds very "hot and cold" to me. You need to do what you're comfortable with, and if you wanted it to be slower, at least for now, he should have respected that. If it had been on the other foot, you would have had to wait for him, right?
What concerns me is this part: "since he wouldnt answer my questions, return half my phonecalls and was so rude and incosiderate"
Sounds like poor boyfriend material in general, don't you think? Move on and don't look back.
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A
female
reader, les +, writes (13 May 2008):
les is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response.
Unfortunatly, I was not the one that pulled away, nor did I put the brakes on anything. Maybe initially in the first couple of weeks yes, but then when he talked to me about it, I realized he was a trustworthy person and was willing to make a deeper relationship.
He admitted himself that I have been the nicest and most caring person he has ever met. Which is why I'm so dumbfounded by the entire situation.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (13 May 2008):
Unbelievably, yes, and this can happen not only with people you're in a relationship with.
Suppose there's a co-worker, for example, who you value a lot, but who might be easily offended by the things you do or say. You will start by treading carefully; then perhaps you will reduce the contact to the minimum because that way the relationship is maintained, even if in this manner.
But I'm afraid this is not the real situation you're describing here. In my opinion, this is the key: "I wanted to take things more cautiously, but was so overwhelmed by his dedication and values for months. And almost overnight he became a different person." This is to say, he wanted a deeper relationship and you put the brakes on it.
He loves you, but felt he wasn't receiving as much as he was giving, thought that would be the situation forever, and preferred to dump you rather than hurt all the time. Does that make sense? It does to me.
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