A
female
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*eartsick
writes:How do I summarise my relationship in just a few lines, to give you the background?!I'm 36, and until now I think I've only ever been in love once before (when I was too young to realise!), but my fiance is definitely the one I've been waiting for. I love him so much - he's my friend, my lover, my teammate, the one I think of whatever I'm doing.He loves me too, more than he's loved anyone before - I don't doubt it.We are long distance, but I have been able to work near him quite a lot, so the relationship is well developed, and when we're together we just fit so easily. He's always kissing me, touching me, doing things for me - even though I know he's been quite selfish with other people in his life before. And he comes from a male-oriented culture where this is often tolerated. So, the fact that he is different with me makes me feel loved.But when we're apart, I sometimes need reassurance - and he freezes up and can't give it. He feels cornered, and doesn't respond - just retreats into himself. Like a lot of men, he can't deal with tears, and the more upset I get, the colder he gets.He's been a bit distant the past few days, since I got back from seeing him. At the airport, he was so clingy, begged me to stay and not leave. But since I got back, he's not paying me as much attention as usual, and I fear that if we don't deal with that, we will spend less and less time on each other and the closeness will go. And I feel neglected!He always texts in the morning, but in the past I would usually get several more during the day, we'd chat most evenings on msn, perhaps on the phone, and always a romantic goodnight text. The last few days I've only had the one morning text, and when we chat on msn he's distracted.He tells me there's nothing wrong, and there's no problem - but there IS a problem - because it's a problem for me. It probably sounds that I'm being demanding, but with such a dramatic reduction in contact, I can't just feel ok - and surely when you're upset you deserve some reassurance and support?So last night I was crying on the phone to him, and he was like stone. I broke up with him. I don't believe it's the end - it can't be. He was due to move to live with me in 3 months, and we'd marry this summer. We're so close to being happy - but that doesn't mean that I can cope with 3 months of not being able to rely on him in bad times.I'm a bit surprised he hasn't been in touch - but I'm hoping that it just needs a bit more time for him to reflect on whether he wants it to be over, or whether he can try to change a bit. My head is telling me that if he loves me as much as I thought, he'll be in touch and we can sort it. If he isn't, it's probably for the best. It would surprise me a lot though - I really thought and still think that we love each other too much for it to end.But what do I do? Just wait I guess. If he apologises, would I be wise to just forgive and move forward? In my heart, I'm not sure if he can change.
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reader, heartsick +, writes (5 February 2008):
heartsick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do appreciate your reply - but thankfully for me, you are so wrong!As you'll see from the update I posted, I am now married to him, and that break up was a turning point in our relationship, in a very good way.We've been married for 18 months, and I can honestly say that we have a very happy life together. The main thing is, we are the best of friends.He is never going to be an open talker - but we have adapted to each other. He makes the occasional romantic guesture, and that means a lot. If he had married someone from his own culture, I don't think he would have treated them well..... the reason I get better treatment is because I expect it, and I am not afraid to let him know. Ironically, it is one of the things that attracted him!I would encourage anyone who feels they are not getting what they deserve to let their other half know. I don't buy into this idea that the guy is the centre of the world, and you must keep him happy. Your man may not necessarily find it easy to change, or easy to accept the 'criticism', but he cannot then be unaware of your feelings, and he then has a choice to do something about it or not. You equally have the choice to decide how important it is to you.That break did us so much good. It demonstrated to him that I would never need him so much as to stay in a bad situation. He also realised the strength of his own feelings, which he hadn't confronted before.I have too much pride to stay with someone who i believed did not love me. I don't believe in divorce, and I believe we have a strong enough marriage and importantly friendship to make this last - but if I ever felt that the appreciation had gone out of the relationship, I would stand up for myself again.It's not a one way thing - I have adapted to him too. But you know, you have to be happy yourself to make someone else happy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): It's not that men have a problem with crying, it's who they show that weakness to.
Women like men who are masculine and this means they like guys who can take control in a situation effectively and appropriately. Asking him to show emotion is like trusting telling him to trust you without real reason to. You have to keep in mind that most women are terrible to men and take their hearts in their claws to feed on their souls. - Much like a harpy would.
Here is a problem most men have with women (and is certainly why I have no female peers to chat with!) that women go on and on about nothing of real importance and this is why men can seem so distant, because the women cannot seem to connect with them on their level. Face it, men can't approach our level without being gay or losing their masculinity. Women like to pretend they want their man to be emotionally able, but truth is the only way you're going to get close to him like that is to find interest in what interests him. Even to simply show him that you can handle a situation too can be an extreme turn on.
You broke up with him... big mistake hun. You just proved to him that you are like every other girl. You MUST have constant attendance or else you'll leave for the next better thing. You showed him how selfish you were and I seriously doubt he's waiting by the phone for your call. He's more likely trying to get you out of his head because like I said, he thinks you're like every one of his ex's. Right now he's probably beating himself up for ever having trusted you.
I'm a 19 year girl and I've grown up with nothing but guy friends. I have seen the damage most women cause to men and it sickens me. I personally don't understand how women can be so selfish? No offense but honey, wake up!
He did love you if you were going to be married, if he did all of that for you then he's head over heels for you! Men don't just willingly give their hearts out like he did by the sounds of it. He's probably wondering where he went wrong? And why in the HELL did he trust another women??
You need to understand that men are very direct and women are completely blind. See when a man asks you questions about yourself, he thinks your cute and wants to get to know you. No he's not being nice, they are never just nice to anyone for no reason at all. - Unless they're gay. - What I'm saying is that he showed you how much he is attracted to you in every way when you last saw him. Texting is so hard; it takes time, money if you don't have unlimited, and he's a middle aged adult. He doesn't have all the time in the world. I bet he was taking a lot of time out of his day to text you and now after so long it's like "shit I really got to get back to work, I'm slacking off!" Men HATE that sensation of slacking off. Doing important stuff is part of being a Man.
If you want him back you have to call him and apologize for being so brash. Just tell him calmly that you're a girl and without this constant reassurance, you stupidly felt like he didn't care anymore which you now realize is not the issue. You just really really miss him and it was so hard.
But good luck, you basically tore his heart out and fed on his misery. His friends are probably calling you queen of the harpies right now, lol one of our favorite analogies.
-P.S. I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings but like I said I grew up with guy friends. We say this shit without thinking about stupid feelings. It's direct and blunt, take it as is and don't read in between the lines.
so what you have to do;
-Stop thinking it's him, because it's not (you went flipside on him, poor guy...),
-Call him, tell him what I told you to say,
-He's not at your beck and call
-Make him feel like you're lucky to be with him
-Learn his interests so that you can have meaningful conversations - because when it's all don't and over, physical pleasures die and all you're left with is each other. Better be pretty darn sure you like who you're with! lol
-Stop fantasizing a man who is everything you want because no man knows what women like you are thinking. You girls are a emotional roller coaster ride and men don't want that. Play it cool but show him you love him and all will be well. Guys take up space, it's part of how they grew up due to being male.
lol how do you think my boyfriend and I have stayed together so long? I actually listen and learn from what my man has to say and in turn for my understanding and never ending support and loyalty, he's fixed on me. Haha he's scared he'll lose me and he's a guy who'd have No problem landing any girl!
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A
female
reader, heartsick +, writes (26 November 2007):
heartsick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, I'd forgotten I wrote this! Ok, an update for you, since you ask....
Yes, we got back together. We have now been happily married for 17 months, and he's sitting on the sofa next to me drinking milkshake and watching a crappy movie.
We still have our tricky times - people can change a little for a relationship, but essentially you remain the same person. You just learn how to deal with it. Or you don't learn, but you get past it anyway because you know you could never be without that person.
I still get irrational moments of insecurity (and they ARE irrational...... I suffer from PMS....), and he still freezes when I put him on the spot. So I've learnt a new way to deal with it. I tell him how I'm feeling, we try to talk it out. If it doesn't work, I'll tell him I need some time out, and I go for a drive. It gives him time to cool down (and me some time to think through what I'm saying). Then he'll phone, and I'll know it's time to come back and sort it out. It's only happened twice though - we just don't have those sort of problems so much now that we're living together.
Just tonight, he came home from work with red roses and chocolate. This is from the guy who is NOT romantic - but he just did it because he knows it means a lot to me.
Maybe he does it just to keep me from moaning ;) But hey, it keeps us both happy!
Good luck in your relationship. It's really hard to step back when someone means so much to you - but it certainly puts things back in perspective and gives both sides some time to think things over.
I hope your ending is as happy as ours has been.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2007): Please can you tell me are you back together and what has changed, your story sounded exactly what is going on with myself at the minute. We are still together but i find it so hard and need constant reassurance which i do not get, although i trust him 150% and i know he loves me very much.
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A
female
reader, lostgirl04  +, writes (11 January 2006):
 It's good that you realize mistakes that you've made in your relationship, but remember that's it's not ALL your fault. He is at fault too. Sometimes we tend to be too needy,wanting attention and constant reassurance, but whomever you're dating needs to understand that. There are just some people that need reassurance, especially with a relationship that is long distance like yours was. I recently broke up with my bf of a looong time because he couldn't reassure me that things would be o.k when he moved away. If your ex couldn't reassure you of his feelings over the phone and only in person, it's because he wasn't really sure himself. He told you he needs space, obviously because he's confused. So let him think, unfortunately there's nothing you can do right now. You already tried getting him back and he didn't want to, no matter how much you push and apologize, he won't want to until he's ready. You also mentioned in the first post that in your heart, you don't think he can change. That's your intuition speaking, don't ignore it. Sometimes we ignore things we KNOW are true because he are hoping we are wrong. But he was your bf, you should know him better than anyone else, and if you yourself think that he won't change, your probably right. Maybe this fight was a good thing, do you want to continue with someone who has you so frustruated?
So let him find himself and realize his feelings for you. I advise you to stop texting him and stop apologizing for every little thing. It seems you put too much of the blame on yourself in situations, you shouldn't do that. Just try to back off a little. Let him miss you and see what happens. You know that saying "How can I miss you if you won't go away?", it's a funny saying but it is also very true. Eventually he'll come around and let you know how he feels and what he wants. Good luck to you, I wish you the best. And remember, your not alone.
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A
female
reader, heartsick +, writes (8 January 2006):
heartsick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAn update - After talking with a friend, and a lot of soul seeking today, I have to acknowledge that a lot of the problem is me. I see problems where there are none - overreact and nag instead of giving him some space. I think I'm suffocating my own relationship. I need to chill out. If he doesn't text a lot, I should relax and not be so paranoid. Maybe the next day, he'd send more.
I sent him a text this afternoon, apologising for putting too much pressure on. I'm not usually the one who apologises, I guess we usually conclude that it is him who messes up........ which can't feel good for him, and can't be good for us.
Anyway, no response to the text which surprised me - so after an hour I followed it up with a phonecall. Again, apologising not attacking.
He said no, it wasn't my fault - I shouldn't be apologising. I explained that I realised I'd been unfair - again he said no, it was his fault, there was nothing for me to apologise for.
He says he needs some space, he's not happy, and will talk to me tomorrow. I know I'm in danger of losing him due to a combination of the pressure I've put him under and the way he reacts to that.
We're both partly to blame - I just need to make sure I get the chance to show him that we CAN sort this out. I think I'm going to have to be really patient, which is gonna be so darn hard. I still think he's being a bit unfair by not communicating something with me at this difficult time - but we can work on that later. I'm just not ready to lose him.
I realise now how much of this has been a result of my behaviour, and I have to change. I think I've wrecked relationships like this before.
Since the phonecall, I've sent him an email - told him how much I loved him, apologised again and asked for another chance. I texted him and asked him to read it before bed. Later I realised that I've probably just made him feel worse, and been desparate and needy. So I sent another one later, that just says I will give him the space he needs but I'm here when he feels ready to talk, or just chat, nothing heavy. I included some photos from New Year that I said I would send. I hope he sees the ones of us together and is reminded of all we have.
I'm aware I sound so desparate and clingy. I need the chance to prove I can change. I have to.
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