A
female
age
36-40,
*1983
writes:Dear Cupid,I wondered if you thought long term relationships can work when a woman who is substantially richer than the man? I am a very wealthy woman but I have not been able to find single guys to date who have the same level of wealth as me. My friends have a range if jobs etc who I've met in adult life, not through family. I moved away young and I work a normal job - but I have inherited. As I never really felt wealth was that important, I have dated guys based on personality like anyone else. What I have found is that when things go beyond a year the guys leave me to marry a woman who has a lower income than them. I have dated good guys. They have formed solid happy families with other lucky ladies. I would like to be able to also have a family. Should I be placing more importance on finding a guy who has an equal income to me? Is this situation undermining to them maybe? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2014): I won't marry someone for their money. But I sure wouldn't run from someone over their money either.
My advice is try to be aware of how much the wealth difference may be having a big subtle influence on the balance of power in the relationship. I suspect power balance issues would do more to run someone off than the dollar figures.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2014): I would be considering how to blow some of it and then do something valuable in the world. Although I understand what you are saying and why, I have to admit I would not put my life or lifestyle on hold to wait for a suitable suitor, but then I would not flaunt my wealth either, nor would I hide it...I would spend it :) but alas in 'reality' I am just a meer peasant in your world but I could adapt very quickly.I would always be true to yourself, It's not the income that needs to match in a relationships, it is the 'spirit' because that is real. Money is great, it is how you use it that is the deciding factor.If I were a rich..... ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum.
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A
female
reader, M1983 +, writes (21 March 2014):
M1983 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBrown wolf, my family has always had money, although we never lived the lifestyle or high and mighty types. I have grown up in this environment and so have seen people change or use money to influence and how this causes enormous problems in relationships. Those people end up lonely and people return the disrespect to them.
When I inherited, it did give me security, but I never have and never would use it to get power or influence over a partner.but I do think perhaps they fear in future I might?
I would happily also partner with a guy who had a similar income to me, it is just that if I concentrate on doing that, it severely limits my pool of potential partners...there is a risk a guy could get with me for mainly money but I hope to weed those types out.
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A
female
reader, M1983 +, writes (21 March 2014):
M1983 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses, they are really useful. Some context: I have high income from my savings but do not flaunt it. Until now I have never spent any money on clothes, holidays etc above what my friends do ( in mainly professional but low salary jobs). I am happy with this but also happy to spend more if I had a partner who wanted to join me on some treats or holidays. Mostly I have saved it for things like school fees for any children I might have. I used to on purpose hide the wealth because it can make people treat you differently. I found though in relationships, this was not good to do as came to a shock once they found out as then things were often serious and painful for both sides to have to pull out that far down the line. Once someone knows me they would know from the area I live in, I can't really hide that. Plus if they meet my parents it is pretty obvious. My thinking here is that it is a good thing since honest from the start but also so that anyone who did find it an issue would walk away sooner instead of later.Most the men in the family get the opposite reaction and no shortage of girls interested in them seriously. Nearly all the young women in the family are still single and struggle to find a man...
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (21 March 2014):
My question would be…How did you see yourself before the money, and after the money?
I have seen people who were very humble before they had money, turn into “I am high and mighty, meet my demands”, kind of people after the money. If you have raised your expectations of people around you because of this new wealth, that could be why the guys are leaving for someone who does not expect anything from them except…love.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (21 March 2014):
 I'll be watching/following this thread like a Great Dane watching a five-year-old with an ice cream cone on a hot July afternoon...... since I've been looking for this arrangement (myself) for the last 40-or-so years.....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2014):
 I don't think it's the inheritance that's causing the issues. It may be how you carry yourself or the lifestyle you choose to lead due to the available assets.
I have almost always made way more money than my spouse. I currently make over 35k more than he does. I also have inheritances waiting for me once I am an orphan. (thankfully I am not yet) and funds for emergencies and such are always available.
In addition, if you work full time, then the only way they would KNOW of your wealth is if you flaunt it or mention it.
My first husband was shocked AFTER we were married to be told of my available income for home purchase etc... he had NO CLUE based on our lifestyle (my family) that I had that much available assets. It's a matter of how you live and project yourself.
When a friend says "I won't spend 200 dollars on getting my hair done, I don't have that kind of disposable income" I DO NOT laugh and scoff and say "oh I do that every 6 weeks" I keep my mouth shut and let her wonder HOW I keep my hair the way I do.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 March 2014):
 I think the problem isn't your money. It's the guys you've been dating. Maybe money scared them, or many there was something else wrong with the relationship. I have always had more money and a better economy than men I have dated. Not because I have inherited, but because I'm good with my economy and self made all the way, whereas many young men still depend on mom and dad to pay their way... So I decided I had to put down some standards, even if they have a nice personality. Some things just need to be in order:
They need to live on their own, they need to be financially INDEPENDENT, this means no borrowing money from friends and family, no debt etc.
They need to be above a certain age. In your case, I would say only date guys who are older than you, because younger ones will be too immature and not have the backbone or the guts to stand up to you. If you're a strong woman with money of your own, then men can easily get "whipped" and be bossed around. You need to find a man who can stand up to you when he disagrees, but who also handles conflicts in a mature and constructive manner.
You should still focus on personality over income with guys, but also add these criteria to the list. Being financially independent doesn't mean they need to earn more than you, it is just the basic necessity because otherwise the power in the relationship isn't equal, but in your favour. If one partner in the relationship is much more powerful and strong than the other, you aren't equals, and there will be problems. You need to find someone who is your equal, but in a wider definition than just counting how much income you both have... He needs to be your equal in a bigger perspective, be able to match you in intellect, guts, courage, smarts, as well as money. He doesn't have to outmatch you, or be your exact equal in every field, but the sum of it all needs to be somewhat equal.
My guess is, the guys you dated before weren't your equals in many fields, not just financially. They were probably weaker than you on many other areas as well.
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