A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been living together with my boyfriend for 2 years now. We love each other and are very serious with this relationship. Last christmas I asked him to marry me and eventhough he said yes, he later the same week didn't seem comforatable with it. So I asked him what was wrong and he said he tought we should wait because I only work part time, and have no drivers license yet and he wishes to live in a city I don't like (but it's not even certain we have to live there) etc. And all in all he doesn't believe in marriage the way I do. He thinks it's only neccesseray if you have kids, for legal reasons if one of the parents (us) dies. So he's not very romatic (but he's a really kind and warm boyfriend otherwise).After that I said "fine", and didn't talk much about how hurt I felt, didn't talk about marriage at all. But I really love him, and for me marriage or engagement is a way to show each other that you are serious, and that you have a special bond. Showing that you are prepared to struggle trough good and bad. Show appreciation to one another. Last week we had a big fit (we don't fit often) and I told him that I still felt hurt about this. That I still though that we could at least get engaged, we didn't have to marry until we got any kids. It's not about the wedding or showing of I'm after anyway. And I told him that it was stupid of him to be unsure of how I felt and if I wanted to really wanted us to work if I had asked him to marry me. I mean, did he think I just went around asking random guys to marry me? And then he fell silent, and he said that he hadn't thought about that. He said that now he understood how I felt, and he felt the same. And then he proposed! And I said no.So what now? I mean, I said no because it felt like he only took pity on me (I was crying my eyes out when we were fighting) and did it to make me happy? Or maybe because he became flattered by all the sweet and honest things I said (about how much he meant to me etc)? Or did he really mean it, and really want it?Please help, how can I know/trust he's really honest? Is it just to wait and see? Will I ever be sure? Also I want to apologize for my bad english, but I really need advice!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 May 2011):
 This poor guy, he can't win . If he says he does not want to marry you , you get upset, if he says he DOES want to marry you... you get upset even more :) So, what do you want him to do ? I know , you wanted him to propose AND you wanted it to be his own idea and his own heart's desire. But it's a slightly irrational expectation, knowing that he does not believe in marriage, does not care about it and anyway thought it was not the right moment. I think that it's already a great result that he understood how much getting married means to you, and he is willing to change his mind just to make you happy and to show you he loves you. Yes, maybe if it were only for him you would not be married because he does not feel this need , but I think is great that he is willing to put his opinions aside because YOU feel this need.
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