A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has been to anger management for I think two sessions or something and then he quit because he didn't think he had an anger problem because all the people there he thought were mental, cos they got really angry- this was way before we got together.We have good communication near enough all the time except when we have arguments. The last bad argument was last week and everything had been fine since then. I want to help him though with his anger.When we argue or when we finished arguing, he always gives me the silent treatment, which makes me feel like he's shutting me out and it makes me feel like crap. I asked him the other day why he does this and he says so I don't get hurt, and because when he argues he gets really mad so if he doesn't talk to me, he won't take it out on me.Now I don't know if this is a good thing or not? Surely it's not healthy not talking about your feelings? I don't know, I'm pretty confused. I want to help him but don't know how or can I not change it?This is my first proper relationship, so I'm still learning. We are both 16, and been together for a year. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (20 June 2006):
 You are both young and your man is still trying to grow up. I accept the silent treatment is better than more abuse, but some would say the silent treatment is just emotional abuse. Some people never grow out of this way of communicating. For example, my mother just stops speaking to anyone she disapproves of (me at the moment) for six months, a year...in the case of my eldest brother it has been 19 years! My point is that your boyfriend needs to get help so that his anger management doesn't destroy his adult life. It is entirely likely that he was misplaced into a counselling group before and would respond better to 1 to 1 therapy - cognitive behavioural therapy has excellent results for example. You cannot really help him with this as it is a serious problem requiring professional input. The way you can help is to let him know that being Mr Angry is just not acceptable - dont make excuses for his bad behaviour as that will make him feel it is normal to shout and scream at women, which is one step away from physical abuse. Perhaps you could look around for local community services in your area related to anger management and see what you can find - there are lots of charities working in this field as well as health services. Maybe he needs to be using adult services now, rather than adolescent services? He may respond better to treatment options then.
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