A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I'm an Aunt and I need YOUR help, or a little hug at least. My husband and I have separated. We've separated before and its usually for the same reason, or thereabouts. He's a very hard worker, has now got his own business, looks after me financially, loves me and yet has very little need to spend time with me. Even when he gets a rare day off, he's happy to just do his own thing - and don't get me wrong I have a very full life too - but he doesn't need to be with me to be happy. He is from a different culture, where they don't spend too much time with their wives once they become their wives, and the women have huge families to turn to and keep them amused. Having said that when I've been there, the women complain about the lack of time they get, so they're not happy just can't change the situation without removing 1000s of years of history. And then, he has an eating disorder too. This has got much worse. In fact I never knew he had it when we married because he worked such long hours and ate at work, so it was well hidden. However, with the stress of having his own business the disorder has got much worse, meaning that he was becoming more and more sick, without doing anything about it. This was becoming more and more of a burden to me and even something as small as eating together was also lost. And that is our biggest problem, we don't share anything together - either because of his work, his friends, his family, or his lack of need to be with me. I've gone from being very confident to being very insecure in all areas of my life. So a couple of weeks ago when it all got too much because of a health issue for me, which was very scarey and I got no support, and that came on top of not really seeing him for longer than 20 minutes a day, if that, for the previous 3 weeks, I called time on the relationship. Problem is we love each other very much, and this feels like hell at times. I'm out doing lots of things with friends, and have set myself up to work again locally. I feel better for being free but like I said, I miss him so much because at the end of the day I still love him a lot, and the thought of him being with someone else really haunts me. Please, can anyone out there throw me a life raft - even if only for a short while? I've just read some of my own advice column and it was what I needed to be telling myself now :)))). Guess thats karma for you. Love and blessings to you all. xxxx
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (31 May 2010):
 Sending you a *hug*.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for your reply. Yes I do understand all the problems and the solutions, but its still nice to hear a complete strangers perspective on things. And yes, I've tried all the lets have a meal together one night a week, but the eating disorder has put a block on that now. I've asked him what would he like to do - cinema is difficult as his English is not good enough to understand everything, even watching tv together is a no no for the same reason. Even on the times he does come home earlier, he will be upstairs on the pc and I'm downstairs with the tv, or vice versa. I've racked my brains as to what we could do together, but now we've separated we just see each other if he gets time off, and though it makes me sad to not live together it is better doing that even if it is only for a couple of hours. I have so much more energy and am so much less disappointed because I'm not putting my life on hold waiting for someone who just doesn't show - its not easy when I know he finishes work at 6, but never comes home before 9 because he chooses his brother or his work mates rather than come here, but I also understnd thats his culture. Ho hum. I'm just leaving it to time, and hoping that will sort it out one way or the other. Thanks for listening. xx
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A
female
reader, straight to the truth +, writes (30 May 2010):
I'm not sure what kid of answer you are looking for i'm afraid because you seem to understand all of the circumstances in your situation.
If you can accept that you wont get to see him much but you still want to be with him then I would suggest that you sit down and have a talk and try to find a compromise. Maybe suggest a date night? 1 night a week when both of you have to keep free regardless of anything else just to spend time together. go out for dinner, do the cinema, bowling, badminton or even a night in with a dvd but just make is quality time together and make sure it happens one night every week. If he can do this and you can accept not seeing him much the rest of the time then it might still work, also with this new found bond from your date night you will probably find he will be more concerned about your health because of the bond you have found.
if he cant do this for you then the next question you need to ask yourself is not "will i cope seeing him with someone else?" the question you need to ask is "will I be happier with someone else" beause if you can find happiness elsewhere with someone who can give you everything you want emotionally then you wont mind seeing your ex husband with someone else because you will be happy with who you are with.
I really hope things work out for you.
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