A
female
age
41-50,
*ousee
writes:Grab a cuppa cause this is long-winded and far too perculair for me to work out on my own :).We've been together a year and I've always been here for him. He'd just come back from golf and I said to him lets go into town. He said he didn't want to as he'd been working all week and been in town with me the day before and he wanted to watch sports on the tv and internet. I thought that was fair enough so I said since I always stay in with you watching the sports (which I have no interest in) I'll go into town on my own (I didn't have an attitude with him). I came back within a couple of hours and when I came in he was sprawled over the couch and didn't ask me did I want a cup of coffee (he'd have thrown a hissy fit if I'd have done not asked him did he want a drink when he came home from being out). He had the tv on and kept on about how boring it was and how boring it was for him and how much it was just like the way it was before I moved in. He said he was bored over and over like you'd hear a child play up to his parents. I ignored him cause I didn't want a row. He put his shirt over his head and started shouting out everything was (swear word). I offered to by a take-out and he insisted he'd buy it as he had to wait on me hand and foot (this was not at all true). He continued to ask me what would Madam like and behave very patronising. Every word I answered with he twisted it and made it sound like I insulted him. By this time I'd had enough and tried to break the stupidity by putting on my new boots I just bought asking him "if he didn't mind" helping me lace them up. I was literally that sweet and nice to him. He shouted at me how selfish I was and how bad my timing was and that I could have asked him to help me earlier when I came in. I said, "no problem" (without an attitude) as I could see that he had a point. He insisted on continuing to shout at me on and on and I'd tried to tell him it was ok that it wasn't an emergency and he insisted I had to have help now cause I wanted my boots to wear the following day. I told him it was ok and I'd wear another pair of boots. He told me to get back and he continued to shout at me telling me how inconsiderate I was. Again I said to him why get upset I'm happy to leave it. I let him continue to help me while he continued to shout endlessly about how bad my timing was. I'm always there for him and I'm certainly not selfish which he was trying to make out. This all came about after I came back from town. He's just come home for lunch from work (as he doesn't like anyone there) for the second day after all of this and just grunted when I said hello to him. I've prepared his lunch served etc as usual and I asked him how was his morning etc and he just gave me one word replies and made no effort to talk just like yesterday. I didn't bother trying to make anymore conversation and just went on about my work on the PC. He left for work and didn't say good bye. I called after him to say he didn't say good bye and he said, "what's the point, we didn't talk". Please, I'm more then happy to be pointed out I'm doing something stupid that make him like this. I'm responsible and do all the cooking and house duties and pay half of everything including rent. I can't understand why he's acting like this just because I went into town for a couple of hours. Does this make sense to anyone here?. Thanks for all reply's xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): I'm the poster of this question. I'd like to say "thank you, thank you, thank you all very much for the time you have taken to answer my question. I will think on all of this and come back. I feel sickly deep down when I hear him coming back home. I've learned to switch off and ignore his mean comments. Still this is a catch 22 as if I don't engage him he calls me cold and ignoring him. Which leads to endless days of silence (this is where he'll act bored or say what's the matter with me as we don't talk. If I do engage him he twists what he has made a comment on so whatever way I answer him he find a way to make my answer insult him. I will take a look at the link and get back. By the way, I've learned to be extra nice to avoid his over sensativity. I wouldn't dare tell him to make his own lunch..lol. Sorry, no disrespect, but he'd probably think the world had come to an end. I have a lot of thinking to do regarding my enabling his behaviour. Thank you all so much xxxxxxxx
A
female
reader, synchrohobbit  +, writes (29 November 2011):
 The answers are very good. I would like to point out that what he is doing is emotionally manipulative; by keeping you in a constant state of worry about his feelings towards you, he can essentially get you to do whatever he wants. I only recognized this as I was going through a break-up with my ex, so I think it is difficult to notice on the inside of a relationship. If he does apologize very soon and the behavior is not a pattern, he probably was having a bad day and really wanted to spend time with you. But if he apologizes and he continues to act this way, he is not sincerely sorry but is using your forgiveness as another weapon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): 1) Dont engage in conversation with an Abusive Bully. Tell him next time (there will be a next time and probably were before this) he plays this game- Okay, well I am not staying to be your kick sh*t. Leave and go for a drive, tell him you will be back in an hour and hope he has calmed down and will be ready to act like an adult and talk about his feelings in a calm, rational voice.2) You are entitled to down time. You do not have to always be hand and foot on someone. Its healthy to have personal pursuits. You do not have to share his love of sports. Just like he doesnt have to share your love of shopping.If he wanted you to spend some time with him, then he could say so by using his BIG BOY voice and not the yelling one, the rational, Hey, I miss you, sit and watch some tv with me for a bit before you head out.Also, he has to learn that compromise is a WIN/WIN situation so he could enjoy sports and wait for you to come home and spend some snuggle time.3) Sounds like BF has abandonment issues and also anger management issues. SEEK counselling ASAP.4) You are OVER accomadating and ALLOW or ENABLE his abuse. You reward his behaviour by being there when he rants and rages. And still treat him fairly and nicely. THEN you cook him meals. Tell him from now on, when he is nice to you, you are nice to him. He disrespects you, he can make his own lunch until he apologizes for his poor behaviour. Otherwise you are just rewarding him.Read over the link I am about to post and see if you see any similarities to enlighten you.Also, please seek counselling for yourself STAT as you are in for a poop load more outbursts.This Man needs to control his own behaviour and is capable as he is NOW starting to bleed through his true colours/intent.You are going to need the courage to stand up and get him to commit to counselling or WALK.*hugs*http://www.city-data.com/forum/relationships/211901-charmer-abusers-read-avoid-them.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): Hi
Well sounds a bit complicated a bit like everything has gotten out of proportion! Firstly I couldn't help but notice you said you do all the cooling and house duties and pay half of everything. Now to me the attitude of women having to do all the house duties is prehistoric. You pay half each, you split chores half each he managed to not starve while he lived on his own and the house didn't fall down so surely he is more than capable to help around the house. The only time I think that chores should not be even is if someone works full time and the other doesnt, then it would be fairer to do extra because a relationship is a partnership. So it seems your fella is being served on hand and foot by you.
This might explain his extreme reaction about you going to town. I get the impression he is a man who feels he rules the house and that what he says in his home goes. When he suggested watch sports in his mind that is probably not an option and that because he wants to do it he automatically assumes that you will be at his side. I don't think he is intentionally controlling or sexist or anything but some people just are stuck in old ways. By you going and doing your own thing he might have felt annoyed because he assumed you would just sit in with him. I really don't think it's your fault because you are your own person and are entitled to do your own thing. I might have completely got your partner wrong but it's just the impression I got, I hope I said something worthwhile!
As for resolving it I don't think you will get to the bottom of it until he decides to stop the childishness and just talk openly to you. You aren't a minded reader and won't know what is wrong until he tells you. I wouldnt go answering to his every whim though or be tip toeing around him. Let him know that you have no idea what's got into him and until he decides to talk about it like adults then he can find his own dinner! Best of luck, any updates then feel free to post again and someone might be able to shed light on it! X
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 November 2011):
 He was probably having a bad day, and I guess he is just carrying it on now because he is being stubborn. Give it a day or two for everything to calm down, then sit him down and ask him is the relationship in trouble and have you done something wrong. To me though I think he was just having a rant and it will all be cleared up soon, ask him what is on his mind and see if he will open up to you.
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