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By accident I discovered that my husband likes to video himself masterbating, when he is alone. Why does he keep this secret?

Tagged as: Pornography, Sex, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 January 2016) 6 Answers - (Newest, 31 January 2016)
A female United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

My husband and I are both in our fifties. We have been married for 13 years.

He has always watched porn but now he stays up late to watch it, masterbate, and videotape himself ejaculate.

He won't do this in front of me and he also denies that he even masterbates. He does not know I have seen the video. I'm not mad, nor am I grossed out, just wondering why it such a secret.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2016):

I am also in my fifties and I like to masterbate my wife knows what I do so there is not a problem, I always do it in private and I would never consider taping myself in action. Try and find out where the video is been sent to and good luck dear.

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (31 January 2016):

The first question: Is he doing this or his benefit or that of someone else? I would have to assume he is doing it for someone else (sending them the videos) as it is much more difficult to imagine a man filming it just for himself. If he is doing it for someone else, a couple of possibilities are 1) he is sending it to a certain person (or persons), or 2) posting it to a website. If it is No.2, it could be to either a) he gets off on the thought of others watching him masturbate, or 2) he could be selling the videos on a "clip" site.

His true motivation will either require a candid discussion with him or some investigation on your part.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (31 January 2016):

I might also add, you should determine if those videos are being shared or sent over the internet. That is an issue that requires to be addressed. Proceed with caution and tact, and you will get the facts. Maintain your composure in all cases.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (31 January 2016):

Masturbation for the most part is private. It doesn't require a partner, nor an audience; lest that's the turn-on. People have been brought-up largely to believe it's shameful and/or perverted sexual-behavior. That really depends on what you get-off on; and when and where you want to do it. It also has much to do with your religious values and upbringing.

I believe in a marriage, there should be few or no secrets. Trust is based on the fewer secrets you have, and the more you share. Sometimes part of the turn-on is avoiding discovery, or having something you can consider all yours. You seem like a very level-headed lady; but I think it may concern him how you might feel about it. It's like being discovered by your mother, and that remains ingrained throughout a man's life. No offense, but over 40 is still on the brink of old-school thinking; and sexual-behavior/masturbation is still somewhat taboo. Especially in America.

It's hard when your partner has something or anything they don't want to share with you. Perhaps if it really concerns you, you should gently approach the subject. Just to see what his reaction is. If he panics or gets angry; then there may be reason for concern. If he's just a little embarrassed; reassure him it's okay with you, as long as he doesn't forget who the real turn-on in his life should be; and it has no effect on your love-life.

If it completely creeps you out; you are his wife, and you have every right to let him know that. If just not bringing it up at all is okay, then let it be.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2016):

You are a very cool person to say that you are not mad, I know that a lot of women in your position would be. So I guess that's what your husband assumes you will be.

It's out of the norm for a person to do. Well in my experience anyway, so he probably thinks you will be mad. You could either just ignore it and let him carry on if you aren't mad. Or tell him that you stumbled across what he's done and you are absolutely fine with it.

Lots of people have kinky things that they enjoy doing and feel bad for liking it. If I were your husband I'd probably like to hear that you are fine with it.

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A male reader, TrancedRhythmEar Saudi Arabia +, writes (30 January 2016):

TrancedRhythmEar agony auntHes not satisfied with the sex life and wont communicate that for whatever. Unhealthy and im sure he has more secrets.

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