A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi folks, haven't been on here in years!To cut to the chase, in a heated debate about Jewish people, my partner was saying they were lovely people, my brother's partner was slating them. My partner and I overheard my brother's partner say 'All Jews should burn in hell'.As you can imagine, we were shocked and stunned by this comment! We never forgot it and about 18 months later, I mentioned it to my brother. He was also shocked and I said not to say anything to his partner as she probably said it in the heat of the moment (I gave him and her an escape route in effect).Anyway, like a fool, my brother raised it with her. She went absolutely nuts, denying it point blank, calling us liars, blah de blah.Since then, she has been gunning for me and my partner, using anything and everything to discredit us and run us down.In the end, this escalated and for the sake of my brother's mental health, as he was suffering with anxiety (I'll explain more about that later), my partner and I actually ended up having to apologies for lying to her, at my brothers angry request I might add!As you can imagine, we am still reeling from this. The only reason we did it is that the family was slowly being torn apart by this and many other things this woman has said and done. I though if we don't do this, God knows what my brother might do to himself!My partner and I have been quite concerned for my brother and what kind of person he might be living with for some time!More recently, my partner stumbled accross an article about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).She read it and straight away, it described her to a T! I also read that and many other articles on NPD and absolutely agree, that she must have that disorder to some degree.Over the last decade, I have witnessed her bad behaviour. This includes:Moving to another country to live, yet saying she'd gone home to sell a car. My brother stupidly took her back! My brother was devastated when he discovered that she had been lying to him for weeeks/months as you can well imagine.Constantly putting him down, making out that it's just a joke and accusing him of being too sensitive.Threatening to go home to her native country (as a tool to make my brother insecure and get her way on everything!)Has an aloof attitude.Has to shop in the most expensive shops, wear expensive clothes, buy expensive presents, buy expensive food.Spends more than she can afford.Never admits that she is wrong or apologises.If you ever accuse her of something, she will bring up something you might have done in the past (something you didn't actually do I might add!) and try to make you suffer, so as to deflect the spotlight from her.Likes to make people squirm, as my partner and I witnessed when we apologised (for lying (NOT) about the Jewish statement she made). On this topic, when we did apologise, one could tell that she wanted the arguing to continue, but we took that power away from her. Interestingly, when we had apologised, she never asked why.The reason she never asked why is because she had her apology and there couldn't be a 'why' because she knew all along that she was lying.A person who had been wrongly accused would want to know what the motivation was!By far, her worst personality trait is her anger. She has what I think is episodes of Narcissistic rage, where she starts shouting, which becomes screaming, neurotic to the point where you can't even decipher what she is saying! I have had this hurled at me and you can't argue with someone in that state, so I just hung up on her.The problem we have is that my brother is becoming more and more brain washed by this monster, so much so that his world view is becoming her world view!I have known him all his life and I think that he doubts what we are saying now if we try to correct him on something she might say about me or my partner. It's been such a painful process and part of me feels like I want to distance myself from the both of them, especially as my brother is beginning to take her side.Even my Mum, who is pretty placid, lost her temper with her and my brother, to which the NPD sufferer started her narcissistic rage campaign. We've always been a very close family, have laughed and cried together. I believe that she could be deliberately trying to break up our family so that she can get her way and move my brother to her native country. She's been trying to persuade him to go with her for years.She did try her damn best to do this the first time but my brother didn't want to move thousands of miles from his family. That was the reason she absconded the first time around, to chase her dream and she hoped that my brother would at some point follow her.He's a broken man and I don't know what the fix is.We can't talk to him about her as we can't trust that he won't filter everything back to her and she will turn it around and use it against us, cut us off from her and him and ultimately get her way.Part of me wants to slap him for being so stupid, but that wouldn't help, lol. He's been suffering with anxiety and is now on antidepressants, but still his world view is distorted. I'm at a loss now. I've told other family members not to say anything remotely negative to her or my brother, no matter how angry they might feel, as this will be turned and used against us, or she will drag some other thing up (that we probably didn't even do!) from the past.Her ego is super fragile and she can't take responsibility for her actions, that would mean that she has to admit that she is not a good person and that is everything to her. The paradox is that she is not a good person, far from it! She's racist, abusive to my brother, sarcastic, cruel, hoity, arrogant, thinks she's a cut above everyone else, always right never wrong, lies like a trooper.She's capable of appearing caring to my brother but I have no doubt that it is a means to an end, she has to throw some scraps his way from time to time, keep him thinking that she must love him, right?Truth is, she only loves herself. Everything else is faked!Would love to hear any useful advice. Hire a hit man perhaps? Lol.Thanks folks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2021): Suspected is very different to it being true. Suspected by someone who does not like them counts for nothing. Everyone nowadays says that someone they do not like is a narcissist even when they are foolish enough to chase after them, throw themselves at them and get upset when dumped by the so called narcissist. Why would I take an amateur's opinion on whether or not a person is a narcissist seriously? Either this person is going through the motions of being evaluated by mental health professionals who know their stuff or they are not and this so called diagnosis is all hot air and bias and prejudice.
I am sure that your life is not perfect and your brother could tell you a few things about mistakes you have made and maybe still make now. Who are you to assume you are definitely right and they are definitely wrong, or that it is your business? For all you know your brother is much happier than you, even if only until the bubble bursts. Unless you are telling me your brother is very stupid with a low i.q. they must know their partner better than you do and must be able to weigh up their options and work out what is best for them without advice.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2021): When someone you love insists on being with someone you can't stand; you have to love them from a distance. You can't get involved in their relationships; or you'll have to deal with the retaliation that provokes.
Your brother can't see the forest for the trees; so you can't slap people out of stupid...although there would be a great feeling of satisfaction from the mere act!
He's a grown-man, but when he drags his dead-birds, cringy human-artifacts, and road-kill home; your best bet is to smile politely, treat them as nicely as you can, and have as little to do with them as possible. If they show-up at every family-gathering and event; you keep your distance, exchange pleasantries, and move on.
He has to deal with his own choices. I repeat, he's a grown-ass man. If he makes stupid-choices; then it is he who must wrangle his way through it. If he has anxiety disorder; he knows that better than anybody else, and it's up to him to avoid triggers, and maintain his own mental-health and well-being. You see what happened when you intervened? He chose her side, and made you apologize to the cringy human-artifact!!!
You don't get to choose who other people think they love. You don't have to invite them to your home; and when they're out of line on "your turf," you give them a piece of your mind. If they're not on your home-turf, you remain neutral; and just use your facial-expressions to show your disgust. Keep your mouth shut! Too much interaction only leads to a feud, and it's not worth it! It was your brother who dragged her into your lives; but you have the right to have nothing to do with her. I can't see how she has so much opportunity to do anything to anybody; unless you engaged her, when you should have just ignored her from the start. You told your brother what she said, knowing he was going to go straight to her to confront her about it. That was the match you threw on the pile soaked in gasoline!
Now, go about your own lives; let your brother and the cringy human-artifact live theirs; and everyone will live in peace.
Your brother is an adult, not a child. If she eats him alive, he offered himself to her as a human-sacrifice. In spite of all your concerns and all the trouble you've gone through.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 August 2021):
 OP. I hear you
"Part of me wants to slap him for being so stupid, but that wouldn't help, lol."
Yes, it would be awesome if you could "slap" some sense into his head, unfortunately, you can't.
Your brother HAS to figure this out on his own.
I would suggest that you spend time alone - just you and him IF POSSIBLE - like going to a sports dame or whatnot. And just HANG out. Don't bring her up. Make these outings a little "safe haven" for him. Maybe he will realize over time that WHEN he is not around her, he isn't feeling like shit.
I found these two websites, maybe they can give you some more ideas for how you can slowly get your brother away from her clutches or just support him.
https://narcissistabusesupport.com/how-to-help-a-friend-that-is-with-a-narcissist/
https://medium.com/mental-health-and-addictions-community/how-to-support-someone-in-a-narcissistic-relationship-df621f57bc08
Hope it help.
There really is nothing worse than seeing someone you love be with someone who is an utterly demented asshat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2021): I think you should privately admit to your brother that you lied in your apology to keep the peace.Tell him that you'll always be there if things fall apart but you do not want to be involved in arguements.Remind him that some relationships don't always work out and tell him that if he doesn't feel close enough to speak the truth about his life to you , then he could go to counselling which is confidential.Maybe you could even say that you don't feel close to his wife and that you resent anyone who makes you feel as though you have to lie about them just to keep the peace.This might be spoken on the phone or on a brotherly link up if you think he will just put the phone down on him.And after admitting you lied to keep the peace you should take a step back and allow your brother to sort himself out.It can be painful to do this if the outcome isn't good.
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