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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: my boyfriend had adhd as a child and does affect him as an adult in our relationship in that he fidgits alot and i need to tap him to remind him to keep still i tolerate it when we are going sleep, that he moves alot before he gets comfortable, of which it takes him half an hour.i had to ask him to go bed half an hour before me because when we go bed at the same time this keeps me up wakes me up past the point of being able to get back to sleep, lately hes been better and ive come to the compromise that i can cope with him going bed at the same time as me but must control his movement quickly. (15 minutes) he manages this 60% of the time.he also can not empathise with me at all, i have autistic members of family and think sometimes his behaviour is typical of autism, he has been apparently tested and is not. his mum gives him all he wants cleans up after him and so on, but at my house i was taught you must pull your weight, when i ask him to help tidy, clean, he stands still and i have to tell him what it do he whines. he literally stands does nothing he has a brain so i don't get it. but when i dont he does nothing its a no win.when i am upset i try and talk to him about it, calmly, he dismisses me, blows it off, then i get annoyed and he can't understand why. ive researched adhd his is not that extreme, he can listen because in the first 6 months of our relationship he did, but now, he does not.i get so tired of having to explain to him that i am upset i have a right to be upset, i listen to you but you dont listen to me. you blow it off and then ignore me.i really am trying, but i do love him and want to marry him. but i will no if i think i get nothing back, i have sacrificed so much for him get so little back , and i am bored of trying to make him happy all the time listening to him when i have problems of my own.apparently i am the bad guy. any help appreciated. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (24 May 2011):
 A lot of people were diagnosed with ADHD, some doctors now claim to many. Any child with the least bit active imagination was classified as having a disorder on the demand of over-worried parents.
http://davidguy.brinkster.net/goaste/stuff/calvin/calvinretouchdistressed.jpg
Sometimes people also use such a diagnosis, real or not, as an excuse to not even try. Yes, there are people with real mental ailments and they go through a lot of trouble and misunderstand even hate as they try to fit into society.
And then there the people who are simply assholes and losers.
Which one is he? I am not a doctor but you are missing some elements out from the long list of symptoms other users have posted. ADHD ain't all bad. Neither is austism. Functional autistics often do very well in life. In fact branches like the IRS look for them in recruits as it takes a certain amount of crazy to be able to really dig into a tax case and find the oddities.
But that doesn't make them easy to life with and a bleeding heart is not the right motivation for a marriage.
So, figure out what he really is and what you really, 20 years from now with two kids whining for attention can really deal with.
You might not like either answer but denial tends to wear off with time.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 May 2011):
 you really don't get ADHD.I was diagnosed with it in 1969 when it was still called Minimal Brain Dysfunction... sadly there is no medication I can take that helps me cope with it so over years and years I have learned coping techniques...there are components of ADHD that you are missing:hyper-focus (when something interests us we can focus on it exclusively for HOURS... sort of like a NEW relationship)There are many great books I can recommend for learning about the social aspects of ADHD but what I can recommend is this site: http://www.addvance.com/index.htmlIT has a great ONLINE bookstore... check out titles such as:Adventures in Fast Forward by Kathleen G. Nadeau (my all time favorite ADHD adult book) in fact ANYTHING by Kathleen is awesome... there is also What Does Everybody Else Know That I Don't? Social skills help for adults with AD/HD by Michele Novotni, Ph.D which is a great place to start.there are so many books that are NOT totally clinical.ADHD affects:relationshipsfinancesorganizationworksleepeatingit's not just about NOT paying attention.feel free to message me for any further infobtw you do know that ADHD is genetic and if you marry him and have children it's highly likely your children will have a form of ADHD. Both of my biological sons have it.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (24 May 2011):
 If you had adhd you'd understand... research doesn't cut it.
Frankly you're gonna have to accept him warts and all or live a frustrated life with him, cos he ain't gonna change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): There is no good or bad guy. We have attention deficit in our family. Relationships are very strained. You will never have it easy. You need boundaries with the chores and emotionally to go elsewhere for support. It's a lot to take on and only you can decide.
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