A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So, my and my boyfriend have been going out for over a year now, and before this we were friends for a long time.I'd noticed he'd been acting strange for the past couple of days, so I asked him what was wrong. He told me that he felt like I didn't value his opinion on anything. When I asked him why, he started talking about something that happened on the weekend. Basically, it was my friend's 18th birthday and she was having a party. My hayfever was pretty bad that day and I was having a moan to my bf about it. But then, he told me that I wasn't to go to the party. I told him that he wasn't to order me around like a child, and that was the end of it.When he said to me that that was why he thought I didn't value his opinion, I explained to him that it wasn't his opinion that made me dismiss what he said, but rather (and sorry for the cliche) the way he said it. However, he just seemed to not take this in at all. We ended up fighting a lot. In the end I said that he felt like I didn't value his opinion because he has low self-esteem (very true) and that he couldn't take this out on me and that he'd really upset me. I went offline to calm down. When I calm back on, he'd said that he thought we should take a break so that he could sort his life out and stop hurting me because of his issues.I know that this is probably the best thing, but I just can't bring myself to do it. When I saw that message, I just burst in to tears. I want to be with him and help him. I loved him as a friend and now I love him as a partner. I don't know what to do.Please help and thanks for reading,x
View related questions:
a break Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (7 March 2013):
In the end it doesn't seem like you do value his opinion and because you expect things to just be forgotten and move on. It sort of tackles his low self esteem but he was looking for more reassurance from you that you did take into consideration about what he said. Just like you thought his "tone" wasn't appropriate, I'm sure your tone was not appropriate as well. He thinks he lacks the strength to deal with your tone, so he wants to develop it.
If you want him back all you really need to do is apologize and be sincere. Say that you aren't perfect but you will learn to acknowledge him more and at the same time he will perhaps learn to deal with his self esteem.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Tisha-1 Because we're both doing college-entry exams in June, not that often. About once a week on a Saturday.
@Cerberus The thing is, I didn't think that what happened on Saturday was an argument. I had totally forgotten about it and what he said to me last night about not thinking I valued his opinions was kind of out of the blue. It was really childish that he'd taken it up in that way, which is what surprised me because that's pretty out of character for him. We've had a couple of times where one of us has misinterpreted something the other said or did, but we just talk about it and realise our mistakes and then it's fine!
And I've explained to him before about the moaning thing, we've been going out for over a year so it's come up :P
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): With all due respect you both need to grow up. It was a petty little argument over nothing and now he wants to break up (yes that's what a break is OP, if he just wanted space that's what he would have asked for) maybe this is even a petty spiteful ultimatum from him to make you back down, he certainly sounds immature enough for that kind of shit.
First off you were just having a moan, not asking for advice like all women do and he needs to learn that, you need to explain to him that whole deal, you're a woman OP it's what you do. You feed off sympathy and reassurance.
When my fiancéé has a moan about having to go to a party of a girl she pretty much hates, she's not asking me whether she should go, she's just having a moan but will still go.
He needs to grow up and learn that all women do that. When you complain about being fat, you're not asking how to lose weight so ordering you to go to the gym is just going to be annoying, you just want sympathy or him to say "no you're not fat". He needs to sit down and watch the whole routine of a bunch of girls getting ready to go on a night out and he'll see for himself how you interact. "No it doesn't look horrible, you look great" "is my ass sticking out a bit much?" "No, it's fine, you're so gorgeous" "That hair colour is amazing on you" "Oh he didn't read your mind and automatically do something that pretty much no one would have thought of? What an inconsiderate bastard!" You know the deal, explain it to him.
Now where you kind of need to grow up is to understand we guys are practical. You're sick? Don't go partying, stay at home, take your medicine and recover. When we moan it's because we generally want advice on how to solve that. We say we're fat, then we want to hear how others get rid of that, we want advice on things like that, not just reassurance.
OP he wouldn't feel hard done by that you don't respect his opinions if you let him know that when you want an opinion when moaning you'll directly ask for it. A moan is a moan, for women it's not asking an opinion on what to do, it's for sympathy and reassurance. Once he learns the difference he'll learn the stock sympathy phrases most of us guys store in our minds. "Oh damn, that's going to be tough, any way I can help?" "God no, you're not fat." "Your new haircut is lovely, such a beautiful new frame for your face." "She's only a bitch anyway, you're so much better than her/more beautiful/less fat, I mean have you seen that *specific physical or mental flaw* she has?" etc.
OP you need to choose your battles better. If this kind of petty squabbling is a frequent occurrence in your relationship then maybe you're not suited. But communication here is key, you need to discuss the whole situation with him, be ready to back down a little and explain the whole female moaning process to him and you need to understand the male moaning process. It's emotional sympathy and support vs practical solutions.
Meet up soon and talk this out.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 March 2013):
 How much time do you spend together offline?
I'd say that the best thing to do right now is let him work out whatever it is he needs to deal with, and then start fresh from there.
...............................
|
