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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend is usually really open with me and will tell me everything that's going on with him or bothering him, but lately he has been a little moody or lackluster...like his usual bright mood has been dampened, I did ask him what's wrong and if he's all right and he says things ahve been bothering him a little, but overall he's all right...but he still sounds really down to me...should I just back off and let him tell me? We're supposed to hang out tonight, but the last thing I want is for him to be acting miserable and still not wanting to tell me what's wrong with him...he's done that once before and I don't want it to get to that point...I think he might be picking up one of my bad habits because sometimes I would do that to him and not tell him what was wrong even though I acted as if something was bothering me...when it really was, and okay, now I know how it feels and it really bothers me. I wish he would talk to me and tell me what's up because it just makes me feel like he's angry at me and doesn't want to tell me and it's just frustrating trying to guess what could be bothering him and I feel like he's lying to my face everytime he tells me he's okay...what am I doing wrong? Am I overreacting? I don't wnat to influence him in a bad way when it comes to communicating...how can we prevent this from happening again? How can I break out of this bad habit myself so I can give him a better example? This has happened before, and we keep on saying next time we'll handle it better but then it happens again and we fall back on our bad habits..how can we stop from doing this? Thanks a lot Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (23 April 2006):
 This is quite a confusing question because it is prefaced by saying that your bf is normally open but then says this has happened before and suggests this is not always the case. In general I think it would be fair to say you have communication problems.
The first thing you have to realise is that you cant force him to open up, as indeed he is unable to force you. The more stress you put on it, the more direct pressure you apply the less likely he is to actually open up. I don't think you are overreacting as such but taking it as a slight against yourself is hurting you, thus its stressing you, thus u put more pressure on and he clams up more, its a cycle.
What you have to do is break that cycle somewhere and i suggest you start with how you take this; you have to realise that the chances are it is not him being angry with you. I know you said you cant force but you can coax; plan a special evening doing something you like, that you both find relaxing, unwind together, go with the flow of the evening, keep the chat light and see where it leads you. If you feel the time is right gently probe him, tell him you are just concerend about him and see how that goes.
As for setting a better example yourself, which would help, just remember that he is your partner and there to share the good times with you and help you through the bad. If you shut him out he cant help but if you open up not only will that experience help you but you will find a problem shared is one halved. Hope that helps.Take care.
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