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Boyfriend afraid to leave his mom to work on our relationship

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 October 2010) 1 Answers - (Newest, 18 October 2010)
A female Saint Vincent and the Grenadines age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid

I am a overly concern about certain happenings in my relationship.

My Boyfriend is afraid to leave his Mother house so that we can pool our salary to start a family. he doesnot directly come out and say it but saying he have to help out his mother financially said a lot ( he cant afford to do that now). which he himself in financial difficulty which i have to help with.

this will make two years going since he last spend a night by me.

So what do i do about these problems:

1. my b/f mother told me she doesnot approve of her 24 yr old son sleeping out? and obviously i cant sleep by him, his mother don't allow it.

2. my b/f excuse from his mother is what if something happen at their home throughing the night?

3. is it okay to be in a serious relationship for 3 1/2 yrs and no partner spend the night by one another?

4. everytime i tell my b/f his mother doing too much for him and still treat him not as a grown man he gets mad and defensive. i mean his mother do every single thing for him. e.g wash, cook, clean his room, wash his wares when he finish eating, make breakfast.

5. my b/f tells me in no uncertian terms no one comes between his mother and brother i will kill and die for them!

6. he tells me his mother and i are the number 1 ladies in his life.

7. the main thing for him is not being able to have no money when its end of month. which i help him through. how can somebody have so much pride in material worth(vehicle) so he will sacrifice it by borrowing money to buy a car that result in not having any money in his saving account, nothing to get by (food) thus complaining of gas in his stomach nor even have any money to buy gas to run the vehicle. he is depending on me literally to support him, which i do but it is broking me because i have a hefty medical bill to take care of all by myself.

8. my thing is he is depending on me which i have been doing till i become sick and have to take surgery to safe my life and now paying my bills yet helping him out because i cant stand to see him not getting anything eat sometimes and frustrate himself.

9. he depend on me and wants to help his mother out which leaves me with a big question ? who should i depend on? if i gave him money he shares it with his mother and tells her it came from me. its hard because the same money he give his money is the same money and more i help him with two to three days later. its tough.

10. should i give up now rather maybe be dumped later as a result of him having to choose between his love for his family and his love for me(he can love someoneelse somewhere in the future) base on having a roof over their heads rather selling their property , there is a new development with his family they have within under two years to come with a huge sum of money to pay his father as a result of divorce between his mother and father. i think at some point he will want to pay for it which means it will take him through his forties to pay off and his life doesnot even begun as yet. so when that time comes it will be hard for me to stick with him because, we wont have a place of our own to get married and start a family together, we cant live together without being married his mother wont approve. we will not be able to borrow any money to get married so at least we can live by him? his finances will be tied up (like he have mortgage to pay off) so we cant really have a family nor a home. and i definitely cannot do it by myself. he talks passionately about his mother how she design the house and just to let it go just like that so she will sacrifice to pay the mortgage and not take alimony from her ex husband while my b/f feels out of duty for his mother borrow the money and pay his father for his part. and in so doing where do i fit in?

View related questions: divorce, her ex, money

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A female reader, tennisstar88 United States +, writes (18 October 2010):

tennisstar88 agony aunt#4 explains it all. He's a mama's boy. His mother cooks, cleans his laundry, and does everything for him. Who would leave that? He's not going to leave his mother's nest. He's too dependent on his mother as she is on him. They're both relying on the money you're giving him. Sorry to say but you don't fit in anywhere. You're getting used. Break up with him because he's going to be by his mother's side. You can't have a relationship with your boyfriend and his mom.

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