A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey there, Thanks in advance for your responses. My boyfriend rents a space on a close family member's property. Due to some unfortunate events, the second space on the property is opening up soon for rent. It's nice, much better maintained than the space he currently lives in, and I mean MUCH better. His space is falling apart. The second space was offered to him for a steep price. He declined, and it was offered to his sister and her boyfriend, they accepted. We found out that they will be paying a much lower rate. That's two people with a much lower rate and one person with a much higher rate. In turn, they also raised the price of the space he's living in now and expect him to pay other new bills. I predicted this would happen because his family favors his sister and she and her boyfriend have been unemployed and not searching for work for the last year and they seem to have things handed to them on a silver platter but my boyfriend is expected to cough it up. I understand that I'm not directly involved in this situation and he can make decisions for himself. I think it's time he moved off the property and he plans to eventually. The big problem I have with this is why it bothers me so much. His sister and I have not had a pleasant past and it shouldn't matter to me that she and her boyfriend are treated so kindly. I don't believe I've been treated the same way and that is definitely part of my frustration. I'm also really fed up with seeing blatant favoritism and his sister's inability to think of anyone but herself. I'm also frustrated with him for not saying anything about it. If it were me, I would have asked my family member, "why did you offer them a lower rate than you offered me?" That seems unjust. I also will have to be exposed to his sister more often if she lives on the property and frankly, I'd rather not. For those of you who have some similar experience or any insight really, how do you get your partner to see this? In this case, he sees it but isn't motivated enough to say anything about it. How do you cope/deal with these kinds of situations? And, when you want to stand up and say something about it, how do you handle that? Any other advice is also appreciated. Thanks! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2021): He needs to become truly independent.
Why is he still living n a family property that he's paying for? He could just as easily pay for another flat.
You see, as long as he's playing this game, which is rigged, he'll lose. As simple as that. He obviously has some issues. Low self-worth? Who knows, but you cannot help him. As long as he thinks it's ok, it will be ok for him.
You could ask him what would he tell you if he were in your shoes and you in his. If he says that he'd leave you alone since it's YOUR family, well then, mind your own business.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2021): My dear, I'm here scratching my head!
If your boyfriend isn't complaining, why are you?
These are personal family issues that really are none of your business. Your unsolicited involvement would only instigate trouble and drama. It seems your boyfriend chose to remain in the original property, and declined the offer of an upgrade. If he plans to move anyway, why raise a stink?
If his place is falling apart, I know this might come across as crazy, but has he made any effort to do some repairs on his own? Maybe he can do some repair-work in exchange for reduced rent? They supply the materials, and he provides the labor.
It all boils down to this. "HIS" family-member owns the properties; and they can charge whatever they please, and favor whomever they want. You don't know what goes-on internally within their family; considering the fact that you're on the outside looking in. His sister may not be as bad as you claims she is; your negative-opinion may be purely biased. If their relative wants to help her during hard-times; I can't see anything bad about that. Lowered-rent is not the same as rent-free! Maybe she has always been nicer and more receptive to that relative than your boyfriend. He doesn't have to rent from his relative at all! That was his choice. Who twisted his arm?
If you simply shrugged the whole thing off, and minded your own personal-affairs; maybe you'd find this whole thing wouldn't matter at all. This is one of those situations when you roll your eyes, shrug your shoulders, shake your head, and go about your own business. That's exactly what I'd do. ¿Comprender?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (8 May 2021):
 Honeypie has already said everything I was thinking as I was reading your post. As you do not live with your boyfriend, it is really not your place to be putting the proverbial boot in with his family. The best way he can show them he is unhappy with how things are is by getting a place of his own elsewhere and leaving the family space if he doesn't like it.
I can understand his family offering the space to his sister and boyfriend at a lower rate if they are not working. The reasons they are not working are a completely different discussion and really not anyone else's business, irksome as it may be to see someone who "chooses" not to work being given preferential treatment over someone who works.
Your boyfriend CHOOSES not to stand up to his family over this issue. You need to consider seriously whether this side of his character is going to cause an issue for your relationship going forward. At the very least he should be insisting HIS space is not "falling apart". He should not be paying rent on accommodation which is not fit for purpose, unless there is some sort of "understanding" about this and he is paying peanuts. If he is not prepared to stand up for himself, do you think he will stand up for the pair of you in the future when needed? I have a partner who is always very insistent on our rights, although very polite about voicing them. That is one of the things I love about him. Think long and hard whether your boyfriend's laid-back attitude (if that is what it is) is going to put you in similar positions in future. For me, this would be a deal breaker.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 May 2021):
 If your BF isn't happy about the rent or property suggest that he looks for a place that isn't owned or managed by HIS family.
As for favoritism, I don't get it myself. I have 3 kids and I love them all. But I have seen it in other families.
As to why the sister was offered the new place at a lower rate? Well, your BF has a place and a job. She has an unemployed partner so they probably know that she can't afford it at the higher rate. They probably think they are just being "helpful" not showing favoritism or being sexist (as in "she is just a girl so we need to help her")
While I get you feel upset on BEHALF of your BF, this isn't your "fight", this isn't your circus or your monkies. I think you need to stay out of this. you BF is a whole GROWN ASS man who needs to fight his own battles with his family. If he feels he is treated less than his sister, HE needs to bring it up.
But it's something YOU need to consider when going forward with this guy. Because if you marry and have kids... you will forever be linked with HIS family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2021): HiIt won't make any difference what you say, or how you show or prove your feelings of injustice, things like this are apart of everyday family life. Utterly pointless giving these thoughts rent space in your head or his head, the answer is the whole family should have flown the family safety net long ago. Only pursue energy to change your situation and both be independent from the ease or convenience of renting from family. Live separately or you are in for a rough ride when it's in your face day in day out and big family rifts accrue. Take pride in independence. What have you got to loose? you say his place is dropping to bits, go for better or strive for better.Don't say anything or you will be the one left with mud in your face from all angles. Move forward and leave family squabbles to children.Although it is blatant and I understand why you are frustrated, it is not your role to speak up and he does not have to speak up either. It is not a weakness to stay quite sometimes it is wise. Be wise and make plans to move forward !
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