A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My current partner and I have been together for 1.5 years. Him and his last gf were together for 7 years and were going to get married. When he met her, she was ******* somebody else’s boyfriend. 4 years into the relationship, he cheated. He told her and although she was upset, she said they should stay together and try because of love. Well fast forward, 3 years later, she dumps him. He finds out 4 months later, that she had been in a whole other relationship, sexual and otherwise for the last 6 months of theirs. She never told him, he found out because one of his internet browsers was still logged into her old account. Even then she denied it and only months after, admitted.Anyway, long story short, him and I have been together and although it’s not perfect, it’s a good relationship. He’s said he could be much more open and honest with me than he could ever with her. I thought we were doing fine. Recently, she e-mails him telling him she’s getting married. He then decides to change his whatsapp away message to “moral of the story: when God sends her, don’t lose her.” I asked him about it and he said him and his cousin were talking about all his past relationships, and I guess this marriage inspired that thought. I feel rather insulted. If he’s happy with my, why does he consider it a loss, esp when she was a rather disloyal skank? Also, why didn’t he have the sense to think “hmm my gf might not be happy about this status because it might seem like I don’t appreciate her.” Thoughts? p.s. don’t know if this matters, but if anyone is curious, I am much better looking, body, face, confidence (she doesn’t wear a two piece because she thinks she’s fat) and we are going to be in the same profession, so intellectually on the same level.
View related questions:
confidence, cousin Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 April 2013):
 Then if he really NEEDS to be in touch with her, I would just not get into any discussion about her, if he brings her up.
I know when hubby and I first dated he brought up some things his ex didn't do( things he didn't like/like), and I told him I honestly don't care what she did/ didn't do. I'm me, she is her.
He talks to her (they share kids so that is fine) I just don't "discuss" her at all. He knows if he wants to vent, I'll listen, but I'm not touching that. THAT is HIS past, not mine.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2013): It's not wholly clear if his status implies that he has realised that he too wants marriage... with you! -or if he has posted publically that he wants his ex back.
I would simply ask him 'Are you sorry that you lost her or are determined not to lose me?' He can't have it both ways.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie and SVC, although it seems like he only told me bad things about her, that's not true! they were together for 7 years and he's told me that she was obviously a very good person (at least to him), she helped him grow, become a better man, and was very maternal, as in, if she saw he needed something, she would get it for him. so that's not true about that. i just don't feel the need to talk about the good, obviously there was good if it worked for 4-7 years. the things that stay with me are the bad. anyone can be good, but not everyone can be that bad, in my opinion. so sorry for leading you to believe that, but it's not what happened. he keeps in touch with her only because they had a cat together and where we live (an island) she's the only way to get meds sent down and stuff. i really don't mind that at all, if she wants to inquire about the cat's well-being or requests some pictures, that's fine with me. they don't talk about anything else as far as i know. even in the e-mail she starts off with saying i know we live very different lives, but i didn't want you to hear it from someone else, i'm getting married. so it's not like they are close. now about this whatsapp status, even though it's obvious to us he was being confrontational, when i talked to him and asked him about it, he said that was his way of being non-confrontational! i know, i don't understand it but maybe he wanted to get it out there but didn't want to be the 1st one the formally initiate the convo. i don't know, i think it's stupid and counter-intuitive but that was his explanation. and this is beside the point, but SVC, i know all her actions are true because i saw the messages myself. and i know why she did it and his behavior that contributed (he cheated 4 years into the relationship because he didn't think the relationship was going where they talked about and i guess even though she said she'd try, she never trusted him again and thought the best thing would be to quietly dump him while finding another bf at the same time). i don't think he had communication problems with her because the only time we have these problems is when he talks about this topic. and as horrible as she was, she seemed mature in that way and able to talk so i doubt that communication and immaturity were the issue.he's apologized and said he made a mistake but i still don't have any confidence that the same type of mistake won't be repeating itself in the near future.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 April 2013):
 Honeypie makes a great point, it does seem like he deliberately wants this to be confrontational and I wonder why.
It’s very possible you are hostile and judgmental about her every time she comes up but if all you have to go on is what he’s said and all he tells you is the bad things, it’s no wonder you feel that way about her. His dislike of her colors how he presents her and you pick up on that from him. It’s not really a fair and true test of her as a person. That does NOT excuse his immature and passive aggressive way of initiating an conversation. He needed to be an adult and say to you “I want to talk to you about my ex, can you try to have an open mind?” He does not see his role in this at all.
She acted like “a slut” in your eyes based on what he said only… you have no clue if his interpretation is accurate or why she did it or what he did to contribute to her behavior. IF the things he does now are things he did with her, and you are frustrated with his childishness and immaturity perhaps she was as well? Maybe she tried to talk to him and he refused? Who knows. Only the two of them and we are only getting HIS side of it.
I’m not defending her. She may very well be all the things you think she is… my concern is not with her but rather with his behavior and his inability to take responsibility for his behavior.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 April 2013):
I would talk to him some more about this. The reason you ARE hostile towards the ex, is because he has told you nothing but bad about her (I assume). However, I have to agree that you need to really stop the comparison, it isn't helping YOU in any way shape or form and if HE compares you to her (to your face, such as oh my ex never did that or she did do that) I would just simply point it out that YOU are NOT her.
Let her go and tell him, he should too. Even if he doesn't yearn for her, he still keeps her (in e-mail or FB form) around. I would have to ask why? Like SVC said, there really isn't a great need to keep the exes in your life and to keep taps on them.
I would also explain that if he WANTS to talk about a subject that it's much easier if he TALKS about THAT subject to you instead of that what-ever-app jab.
To me it almost seems like he WANTED to rile you up and I'd wonder why.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionabout the whatsapp msg, i asked him about it and said why couldn't you have a normal convo about it instead of putting some cry me a river status about it to try and bait me like some kind idiotic fish. He replied saying that whenever she comes up, i am in fact very judgemental and hostile towards her. the fact of the matter is she acted like a slut so that is what i will always think of her. she's not anyone important in my life or his anymore. he said he was trying a new approach because nothing else seems to work. well i promptly told him, this one isn't working either so keep trying. i'm surprised because he's usually the one that starts convos and wants to talk about feelings and being open. i don't understand because it's not like we recently had an arguement, we were in a good place, and as far as i'm concerned he has ruined it once again with the same mistakes. i know he loves me, but i just can't tolerate this kind of disrespect (intended or not, sadly most of the time it's not intended so he can't even work on changing it) on a once a month basis.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2013): thank you for your amazing answer! it reallly helps. i know for a fact, through what he tells me and how he treats me and his actions that he's not still stuck on her. and i also know for a fact that he's not settling. even knowing this, it irks me that he would put up a status like that. i guess i'm a very balck and white person. you can't complain about your great loss when you have a good, loyal gf that you're supposedly happy with. but you are right, he said he is sad about how he's given so much in the past and he's still not married. i mean we talk about everything, so that's probably why we both have full disclosure about our exes. About how i shouldn't compare mistakes of mine to hers, you're totally right and I should work on changing that. I have a feeling you and my bf would get along great. When he makes the same mistake for the 300th time, and I try to explain it to him, he does have a confused look on his face and i literally have to break it down like do you see how both of these things disrespect me?? it has to do with interactions on your part in relation to other females on facebook. so i've put it all under an umbrella, and i guess he's trying but it helps to know that there are other people out there like that. sometimes i feel like he does these things to try and get away with it, but now at least i have that POV. thank you for that!!And trust me I'm with you on this whole keeping exes as friends, once i break up with you, you are cut off, i don't wish to know anything about your life and you gave up any rights to mine. about the whatsapp msg, i asked him about it and said why couldn't you have a normal convo about it instead of putting some cry me a river status about it to try and bait me like some kind idiotic fish. He replied saying that whenever she comes up, i am in fact very judgemental and hostile towards her. the fact of the matter is she acted like a slut so that is what i will always think of her. she's not anyone important in my life or his anymore. he said he was trying a new approach because nothing else seems to work. well i promptly told him, this one isn't working either so keep trying. i'm surprised because he's usually the one that starts convos and wants to talk about feelings and being open. i don't understand because it's not like we recently had an arguement, we were in a good place, and as far as i'm concerned he has ruined it once again with the same mistakes. i know he loves me, but i just can't tolerate this kind of disrespect (intended or not, sadly most of the time it's not intended so he can't even work on changing it) on a once a month basis.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 April 2013):
Thanks for the follow up OP! It adds insight for me. I can see being annoyed that he considers her a loss and that would make me feel like he’s “settling” for me when he’d rather have her but that may not be the case. He can grieve the loss of her or what she represents and still not be settling for you. So the first thing is, do not assume that he feels that way.
The fact that he’s shared SO MUCH information about her could be disconcerting unless that’s his way of communicating and he may just have lousy social skills and it may mean nothing other than he’s clueless about what’s the right way to interact with a gf when imparting info about an ex.
Again, however you compare yourself to her (and maybe this is his fault for saying things to you about how you are more confident than she is etc…. but your mistakes are yours and should nto be compared to her or her mistakes and saying your mistakes pale in comparison makes it seem like it’s ok to be wrong about things because she’s “more wrong”. I think so many folks have problems in relationships because they compare themselves to ex partners and without meaning to bring the ex-partners into the current relationship.
It’s good you calmly told him it bothers you. If he makes mistakes LIKE that every other week but not the SAME mistakes, I’m going to offer an insight into this. I have SEVERE ADHD and probably a bit of Asperger’s. I make stupid mistakes all the time (or I did when I was younger now with the learning curve on the downward slope I make fewer) and while I could apply a learning experience to a particular behavior, I could not for the longest time extrapolate it out and use it to not make SIMILAR mistakes at a later date. ONLY after it was pointed out to me how SIMILAR the situations were could I see that. Until it happened, each instance was isolated from the others and I saw them as not related even if others did. NOT saying it’s right… not giving an excuse… just offering a different POV about making mistakes.
Liking a picture of his crush to me for example is very different than posting a status that upsets you… see to me they are NOT related, but to you they are. So maybe it’s just that he doesn’t see it the way you.
With three of his exes being married now (and why in the world young folks need to stay in touch and pretend to be friends with ex-partners when it cause so much pain is beyond me) I can see why he’s feeling tortured.
The ONLY thing that upsets me in your update is the last sentence “he put up the msg on whatsapp so I would ask him about it” Wow how passive aggressive is that. I would say “why did you want me to ask you about it? “because to me that’s just stupid game playing and maybe he has so many married ex partners because he’s not able to have a mature relationship and talk about things like an adult, instead he resorts to game playing with statuses and such.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit doesn't rile me up, i've never met her. it does annoy me that he considers her a loss. and i'm sorry for the name calling but she has been disloyal to him and deceptive. the ability to carry on a whole other relationship with someone else, drop your bf off at the airport then run to the other guy, and text the other guy while in bed with your bf, are all actions of a sociopath to me. i know about her because my boyfriend has told me about her, and how different we are, things along the lines of i'm glad you are so much more confident, she would never be caught dead in a two piece. i am not threatened by her because after me and him found out about what a loose hypocrite she was, i knew i would never have to worry. there's no way i could mess up that royally. any mistakes i've made so far, pale in comparison. i did tell him calmly that it bothers me but the thing is he seems to make mistakes like this every other week. for example, liking a picture of his crush in a bikini with her back turned to the camera, saying things like "that's the sexiest swimsuit i've ever seen," things that could have been thought out better. i was very clear with the fact that it bother me and the exact reasons as it why it's insulting to me. it wasn't on facebook unlike the title, it was his Whatsapp away message. so it wasn't social media and whatsapp is much more low key than FB. i know he's yearning for what it represents. 3 of his exes have gotten married and he confided in me that it hurts because he thought he would have been married and starting his own family by now (he's a few years old than me). I totally believe that he is over her, if i thought for a second he wasn't, i wouldn't have gotten in the relationship or stayed in it. i still don't understand why he has to put up a status like that. he also confided in me that he put up the msg on whatsapp so i would ask him about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 April 2013):
Deep sigh… you talk a good game honey but your words tell me otherwise. For some reason this woman that was with your bf in the past still riles you up. You know an awful lot about her (like why she doesn’t wear a two piece) you call her names (even behind her back is still name calling) and you compare yourself to her (even if you think you “win” that competition) showing that you still are threatened by her. And no, NOTHING about HER matters in this case. NOTHING….not what she did in the past, not what she does now, she needs to be as inconsequential to you as a stink bug.
IF what your boyfriend posted bothers you, telling him calmly that it bothers you and why is better than ranting about it and wondering about it. You asked him about it, but you don’t have a satisfactory answer and you did not express to him that it bothers you and why.
In addition, it’s social media, it’s designed to start conversation and bring attention to himself. It may mean NOTHING much at all. AND most of the time folks do not put a lot of forethought into what they post off the cuff, thinking how it might affect someone who takes it personally. I know I’ve posted stuff on facebook and my ex-husband’s wife saw it and thought I was making a snide comment directed at her. I was not. But I have no control over what OTHERS think or feel.
Even if their relationship is over and done, he may have feelings about it, he may be sad about what could have been or should have been. Or any of a million things. But it’s over and done with her and he’s with YOU now. He may not be yearning for her, but rather what she represents. I would not be so quick to kick him to the curb…. Unless he is not over her and did not properly grieve his loss.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 April 2013):
I have no idea why he put that on there or what exactly he means by it.
I would tell him HOW it makes you feel and get him to talk.
And as far as the ex-gf, you really need to try and stop comparing yourself to her. Life isn't a competition. It's not about who can wear a swim suit best or who is tallest, prettiest, smartest. It's about compatibility, trust, learning and love.
If the quote is about his ex-gf I would be rather ticked off too, as it seems like he thinks he is missing out on love because she is getting married. I would feel like he wasn't over her at all, and I'm sorry, I wouldn't want to date a guy who is yearning after his ex.
...............................
|
