A
female
age
30-35,
*verperplexed
writes:I'm almost 21 and I've never had a boyfriend. I'm not socially awkward, I actually have a lot of friends. I just keep my male friends at a safe distance. The way I was raised, combined with some bad experiences in the past, taught me that men are sexual beings. Although I'm sure there's more to men than just that, I have trouble trusting that sex won't override everything else. I've never had a male best friend, and I've never turned to my male friends for emotional support on things that actually matter to me. Being hit on is flattering and disgusting at the same time -- because in my head I feel like whoever the person interested in me is, will never get past their sexual attraction and desires to actually know who I am. Whenever a male friend or acquaintance has tried to become something more than a friend, I've pushed them away in belief that their sexual desires are no longer in check. I don't want to think this way anymore. I feign normalcy so well, that no one can actually tell I have such ridiculous issues in trusting men. I have to figure this out by myself... but I don't know how. Help!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): First of all you never had a boyfriend or a male best friend, so how do you pass you judgement about guys like that? Secondly don't you want to have sex? And it's very natural that you having a realtionship with a guy whom you love and having sex with him. There is nothing wrong with that. Every human being who are attracted to each other wants to have sex. YOu just need to find a nice guy who will love and whom you will love that's it.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (26 March 2009):
To be honest I think you are right.
Men are sexual beings. But that does not mean they are ALL going to be attracted to you.
Find a guy with a girlfriend, or a gay guy and be friends with him. I get the feeling this is all you really want at the moment. A safe guy friend to cuddle up to without fear he'll pounce on you. Hey, what girl wouldn't want that??
Do you want to have sex with a guy one day? Do you want a boyfriend one day who will give you everything you want but will desire you too?
It could be that you are asexual. Some people are although it is rare. If you just do not want sex or anything like that then that's fine.
I agree this is a trust issue.
I'm married but I love having guy friends. This has led to problems in the past as some guys have developed crushes on me and I've had to stop seeing them altogether because it will lead them on and annoy my husband to have them lusting after me all day.
BUT you can usually tell which ones show signs of this very early on, and then others will just show no interest and then you know you are ok.
Take a chance and let a guy get a bit closer to you. You could even have a chat early on with them about how you think you maybe asexual because you are not attracted to anyone. If they hang around then you know that is not what they are after.
The worst thing that could happen is that you'll see them looking at you in a funny way one night and will know to slowly back away. The best thing that could happen is that you get a new best mate and it helps you get over your fear a little bit.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, superrrshawna +, writes (26 March 2009):
 Honestly, this may sound strange but the best way I can describe my advice for you is... You have to think about being friends with guys the way I think about being friends with lesbians or bisexual girls.
You can't assume that they are all into you! It's the most conceited move ever, and it just puts strain on the relationship. If it helps, separate their sexuality from their person... Look at the guys as asexual beings the way I look at my friends as being first and foremost friends. Their sexuality never comes into the picture.
If I can walk around in my bra in front of my straight friends, I should be able to do so in front of my bisexual friends because I can't assume that they are attracted to me, or that my straight friends are in fact straight. If I can trust my straight friends with secrets, who am I to not tell the same things to my lesbian friends?
So, if you can trust your girl friends, and if you can trust certain guys to be good people, with good thoughts and decisions, give them the benefit of the doubt. Go to them for friendship, making it very clear that's all you want. If despite all of that, they hit on you and it makes you uncomfortable, either laugh it off, warn them off, or back off!
XX
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