A
female
age
51-59,
*nsure ! anymore
writes:Been with my partner for 5 years nearly. It's been a rocky ride as this is 2nd time round for both of us, I have 3 kids and him 1. His ex was his first love and she had messed him around a few times yet he never gave up, It was only when she said that she didn't want him anymore that they split.when we got together it was strange as he was still living in the house and she was bringing her new man back and he was staying, while her hubby was in the spare room!.I could not cope with being with someone where the situation was so weird. so i asked him to move in with me, he did, she hated it. now years on from there she and him work on the same ind estate 10sec's away from eachother! he has been going to work for 8am same time she starts and the same in the afternoon 4pm.he only does this finish early business when we has his son for the week.She has another child with her new man but they both are with the same childminder...(who is her cousin)He has been acting really strange when his son is here he backs away from me also my kids and I don't think hat i can carry on. I wanted more children he won't have any with me yet openly told me how they was thinking of having a 2nd one b4 they split. Am I right in thinking that he doesn't love me really and that im just "do for now kind of thing.(better than being alone")She txt's him silly things that are not important and he jumps through hoops for his child and also refuses point blank to face this situation.HELP! am I being stupid... there is much more as i have five years worth...
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female
reader, aunty t  +, writes (11 March 2007):
 I dont think there is much of a problem with this guy. He is always going to have a relationship with his wife because of his son. This isnt going to go away so you are going to have to come to terms with this. As for her texting him this is outside his control but he does seem like a good father to his son 'jumping through hoops for him' is what any considerate father would do. Im afraid there is nothing you can do about these texts and if you get on to him about it it will only cause you more hassle in the long run. You dont seem to have any concerns that he is cheating on you with her so along as this is the case just leave them to it. I know this is upsetting for you but often when we accept things and learn to live with them they dont seem as bad
A
female
reader, unsure ! anymore +, writes (11 March 2007):
unsure ! anymore is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you , for your coments, I didn't give inough info but it was a long piece to write out.Thank you
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (11 March 2007):
 Unfortunately they're still going to have some form of communication because of the child they had together. She's with someone else now and even has a child with this person so I really don't think you have anything to worry about on that score.
As well as his own son he also inherited a ready made family, taking on a woman and 3 kids is commendable so be proud of him there. Having 4 children in total it's no wonder he doesn't want any more. I agree with what CD says about when his son comes to visit. Your partner is obviously one step ahead there and doesn't want (for the time being) his son going back to his mum with stories about you both. He knows his ex better than you do and she may give her son the 3rd degree when he gets home again so he's just being careful there.
Let her text away, he'll soon get fed up of her texts. Don't put pressure on him about them though as it isn't his fault. He'll get fed up of them soon enough and soon stop jumping to them unless they're really important. She sounds like a very domineering person.
As long as he's still being loving and attentive to you then I wouldn't worry about her at all. You just enjoy your life with him and your kids. Let him see this woman doesn't bother you, be bright and bubbly, reassure him that you love him and make him want to be with you and look forward to come home to you. Concentrate on building on what you have with him instead of letting HER get in the way all the time. At the end of the day, he's been with YOU for 5 years and that accounts for a lot so don't spoil it.
Eve
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (11 March 2007):
 I'm sure you do have much more but let's just start off dealing with the ones you mention and feel free to message me other examples if you want me to give you an opinion on them.
First of all you seemed concerned that he was living in the house where his ex was bringing her lover. Is it possible perhaps that when he moved in with you he still had feelings for his ex that weren't totally extinguished? That's not to say he didn't love you, just that there was an element of something there still left for his wife?
The second thing about him backing away from you and your kids when his son is there... if he only gets to spend a certain amount of time with his son a week then he probably wants to make that time entirely about them. You don't say how old his son is but perhaps he's sensitive to the fact that it might upset his son to see him with a woman who isn't his mother or that perhaps he is worried about the son carrying tales to the mother about what goes on.
As for not wanting another child at least five years have passed since he and his ex were planning to have another baby. People change a lot in five years. He's also inherited three kids by getting together with you and maybe he truly just doesn't want anymore.
Lastly you said his ex texts him silly things. Well it seems to me that this is outside his control. If he was actively encouraging her to continue doing this then maybe it'd be different but it sounds like she's just playing mind games to get at both of you. Also you say he jumps through hoops for his child. Well don't you do that for your own children? That's parenthood, doing whatever you can to ensure the happiness of your child.
I'm aware that I've come up with excuses for all your worries and that it may well be that you don't agree with any of them because of the wider context or maybe that you just couldn't see these things because you're involved in the situation but regardless of whether you agree with what I've said above or not remember that your boyfriend is with you and has been for five years. That's a long time to spend with someone you don't really love, living together, looking after children together, eating, sleeping, paying bills together and all the rest of it.
CD
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