A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Last year I had a thing with a co-worker, whom neglected to tell me he was married. We were close friends for 6 months before it got physical for 4 more months until i realized things were sketchy and that he was married. I was in love and stupid. Anyway, I ended it right away. We still work together but I avoid him as much as possible. There is a guy I met around the same time last year, as the jerk. He works in a different department, same company. We weren't friends, but friendly. He asked for my number a few weeks ago, and we talked and have been out a couple of times. Very nice and Single!I also met a guy on the subway, grad student, from Europe. Fun guy, I've gone out with him too and he is the only one I've slept with since the jerk. It was ok and I will probably do it again.I have no problem meeting guys and have a busy social life. But I am having the worst time getting over the jerk that used me last year.I find myself checking fb, when I see him at work, I avoid him, but if he wanders towered my office, I get butterflies, he has apologized to me and has made an effort to introduce his wife to officemates, EXCEPT me. I think she knows there was someone else last year. How do I stop remembering what he was to me, what he did to me, how he hurt me?I've done everything I'm supposed to do. Go out, meet new men, stay social and active, but I still remember. I know it would probably be worse for his wife, but he lied to me too! Ugh. Please help me.
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female
reader, TEM +, writes (23 May 2011):
 He took advantage of you and lied to you. I understand that you were hurt. However, I am wondering if you ever felt angry. What he did was despicable. Did you tell him that? Did you call him on his deception and tell him off, or were you "nice" about it? There is nothing nice about a guy who intentionally deceives in this way.
It is possible that you can't move on because you haven't allowed yourself to feel angry. I don't know that this is the case for sure, but when you said you have "butterflies" when he comes around I interpreted that to mean he makes you nervous. Why does he have the power to do this? He's the one that should get nervous when you come around.
I'm also wondering why you think it is worse for his wife. Why is it that you feel sympathy for her? It's nice to be understanding and magnanimous in most situations, but not this one. As I see it this guy has not gotten what should have been coming to him. Perhaps you are having trouble getting over it because of the injustice involved.
He is the married one. He is the one that lied. He is the one that did wrong, not you. If you have not told him how devastating what he did to you was, perhaps you should. If you cannot express your anger directly, try counseling. Don't let this fester.
Best of luck.
TEM
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (22 May 2011):
 what he did was bad and of course it hurts, its VERY insulting to be used that way. you will never forget this, and nor should you coz this is something you will take into the rest of your life as a lesson - a lesson in just how LOW some people can be. you will feel less bitter about this though as time goes on. i think working near him is keeping it all fresh in your mind though
x
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